Feedback please - The Pilgrim's Rest

Hello people. I've been looking at this forum for a few weeks now after submitting a comedy script to the BBC writersroom. I've been getting itchy waiting for feedback so would appreciate any thoughts on the below? It's the first 7 pages (couple of scenes). Thank you in advance, it is greatly appreciated.

LOG LINE
After a minor misdemeanour, a career-focused pub manager is exiled to Britain's only motorway pub, which is more lively and dysfunctional than he could ever have imagined.

EXT. MOTORWAY. EARLY MORNING - ESTABLISHING.

SFX: 'BEAUTIFUL DAY' BY U2

A small car drives along an otherwise empty motorway.

CUT TO:
INT. SMALL CAR. EARLY MORNING.

SFX: 'BEAUTIFUL DAY' BY U2 - CONT'D (CAR STEREO)

NICK POTTER is driving the car, he's on his own. He's a young man wearing a shirt with the sleeves rolled up. The window is down with sunlight beaming inside and Nick is cheerily singing along to the music, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel.

CUT TO:
EXT. SERVICE STATION. EARLY MORNING.

The car pulls into a service station and then into a large, deserted carpark. Within shot is a burger van and a large pub, THE PILGRIM'S REST. In the middling distance is the rest of the service station (pumps, shop and a portakabin).

Nick parks his car.

Nick gets out of the car and walks up to the entrance of the pub, whistling U2.

CLOSE UP OF NICK'S FACE: Nick takes a look at the pub, draws a deep breath, closes his eyes and exhales, smiling.

PROTESTER 2 (O.S)
There he is, the new manager!

NICK
(opening his eyes)
Huh?

Nick is hit in the face with an egg.

NICK
Argh! What the fu-

PROTESTERS (O.S)
Scum!

Marching towards the pub is a small group of PROTESTERS, several carrying placards. Ahead of the pack is the PROTEST LEADER, a new-age-hippy-looking person.

PROTESTERS (CHORUS)
What do we want? No pub! Where do we want it? Not on our motorway at junction 42 heading off towards Chippenham!

The protesters stop 20ft away from Nick, creating a battle line.

PROTEST LEADER
Hey maaan, you're like the new manager, huh? Got the name badge an all, huh?

Nick looks at his name badge which reads 'Nick Potter: General Manager'. He covers the badge with his hand.

NICK
Who are you? I've got egg all over my face-

The protesters murmur and chuckle.

NICK
(cont'd)
And on my clothes. It's my first bloody day!

PROTEST LEADER
Hey maaan, nothing personal, but we don't want a pub here maaan and as the manager for the man, it ain't cool maaan.

NICK
Stop saying man!
The protesters all prime themselves with eggs, about to throw them.

NICK
Wait wait wait! What have I actually done wrong?

PROTESTER 2
You're the devil offering temptation!

NICK
Far from it, I can assure you!

PROTESTER 3
You're managing a pub on the motorway!

NICK
Erm, how does that chant go again?

PROTESTERS (CHORUS)
What do we want? No pub! Where do we want-

Nick turns on his heels and makes a dash for the pub door.

PROTEST LEADER
The man tricked us maaan! Get him!

The protesters launch their eggs in the air. Nick is fumbling in his pocket for the doorkeys. From the POV of the egg about to hit Nick in the face, it suddenly smashes into an umbrella which has appeared out of shot.

DAVE CHOCKLEY and BARRY PIMPLE, the resident barflys have arrived at the scene just in time and begin shielding Nick from the barrage of eggs with umbrellas whilst he fumbles for his keys.

NICK
What?! What?! Who?!

DAVE
Don't you worry pal, we've got this sorted!
(beat)
What's taking so long?!

NICK
They're freshly cut keys, freshly cut keys! I've not used them before!

Bits of yoke start to drip onto them.

NICK
(cont'd)
This is mental!

BARRY
We can't hold them off, we can't!

DAVE
Control yourself, Barry!

BARRY
We can't, Dave, we can't!

Dave slaps Barry across the face.

DAVE
By God man, I won't have panic in the ranks.

BARRY
Sorry Dave.

NICK
Aha! It's open!

Nick opens the door and the three of them fall into the pub. Nick locks the door behind them. The protesters immediately stop their protest and disperse in silence.

CUT TO:
INT. PILGRIM'S REST PUB - MAIN BAR AREA. EARLY MORNING

Nick, Dave and Barry are dusting themselves off. Nick surveys the pub. The decor is standard Wetherspoons-esque with generic pictures of the countryside screwed to the walls, numbered tables and an Itbox.

NICK
Thanks for your help back there. What was that all about?

DAVE
(distracted)
No problem pal, no problem at all.

NICK
And who are you-

Dave and Barry are walking towards the bar. Nick starts to follow them but spots KATIE, an attractive young woman with headphones on on the other side of the room by some sofas. She is bent over, reaching down the sides of a sofa.
Nick looks down at her bum. He looks back at Katie's face. She is staring at him with her headphones round her neck.

KATIE
Oi! Getting a nice look there are you?

NICK
What? No! God no, sorry!

Katie walks over to Nick.

KATIE
Well judging by the middle-management clothes, and the fact you're in here with egg on your face, you must be the new manager?

NICK
Yes, Nick Potter, call me Nick, and you are?

Nick offers his hand.

KATIE
Best not, I've just spent half an hour scrubbing sick out of the carpet and I think it's still under my fingernails a bit.

Nick grimaces.

KATIE
(cont'd)
But I'm Katie, the head barmaid.
(eyeing Nick up and down)
So you're my new boss eh? Hope you won't be too hard on me?

NICK
Only if you want me to!

KATIE
Sorry?

NICK
Ahem, what?
(points towards the sofas)
Can I ask what you were doing down the sides of the sofa?

KATIE
Collecting my tips.

NICK
Right.

KATIE
Today it's two jelly babies, a single dirty playing card - Queen of Spades, lovely - and 75p.

NICK
Big tippers then.

KATIE
(looking Nick up and down)
You don't seem that 'eggy'? On their first day, managers here always get turned into human omelettes by the protesters.

NICK
Ah, two blokes helped me.

KATIE
(alarmed)
Two blokes? What did they look like?

NICK
Well, they looked a bit homeless actually.

KATIE
Dave and Barry.
(looking around worried)
Be on your guard.

SFX: CRASH OF A BARSTOOL FALLING OVER (O.S)

Nick and Katie run over to the bar. Dave is lying face-up
on the bar with his mouth under one of the taps. Barry is
on the floor next to a barstool on its side.

KATIE
What on earth do you think you are doing?!

DAVE
Huh? Just having a little drink, Katie, feel free to put your feet up.

Katie storms over to Dave and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. Nick picks Barry up. They take them to the pub door and throw them out, locking the door.

KATIE
Can't believe those guys!

NICK
Who are they? Should I phone the police?

KATIE
No no, they're fine. Dave Chockley and Barry Pimple, our resident barflys. They always turn up long before opening and they always leave long after closing.

NICK
This is a great start to my day. Is there anywhere I can get cleaned up? And then can you show me to my office?

KATIE
Yeah sure, come with me.

SFX: BANGING AT WINDOW.

Nick and Katie look around and Dave is banging on the window to get their attention. Dave points at his wrist like he's indicating 'it's time'.

KATIE
(shouting into the window)
Dave, we're open at 8, you know that. Plus, you don't even have a watch on.

Dave shrugs.

KATIE
(cont'd)
And after the stunt you pulled this morning, I'm not serving you till 10 anyway.

Dave collapses to his knees.

DAVE
(muffled through glass)
Noooooo!

Barry sees Dave on his knees and does the same, but howls like a dog. Dave looks at him disparagingly as Katie and Nick walk off screen.

Sorry Shinny... Didn't work for me because I didn't believe the premise. The comedy in sitcom comes from the few main character locked in some kind of conflict from which they can't escape... Ultimately from themselves but the other chapters are instrumental in providing a narrative impetus. If something hasn't been done in terms of a location or setting/premise, if you will, in a sitcom there is usually a very good reason. On a general note it's not a good idea to have extraneous characters at all in a sitcom pilot let alone the opening scene. Good luck with the writing and hopefully the BBC or others here can give you more in depth analysis.

Thanks Marc, that's good feedback. The problem (which was an opportunity) is that the first motorway pub opened this year, so I hoped to jump on a brand new situation...but maybe it's not going to work.

I wanted to start the episode with a bang (the extraneous characters are actually primary ones further in the episode, but interesting that they come across like that), but it probably just adds confusion to an already confusing beginning.

I could post more to build up context, but I think I've already lost you on this

Not to worry!

A pub is a pub, where you stick it doesn't matter. Look at the Star Wars bar scene for example. If the demonstrators come back episode after episode it wouldn't work for me I am afraid. If you haven't posted enough to sell it in the amount you have posted... It's time to get back to the drawing board, square one, the starting block and ignore my dictionary of mixed metaphors/cliches while you are about it

Ah I see, I was referring to Dave/Barry. The protesters wouldn't return really, no. They were just a device to start the show with a jolt to Nick's expectations.

Sounds good. I am keen to begin rewriting anyway, just wanted some proper feedback before doing so. Some of the scenes in the whole script play really well and the first few pages are not the strongest...but that's irrelevant of course, it should be strong/plausible/funny etc throughout.

I'm just glad we live in a world of Celtx and not typewriters.

I actually thought it was a good opening and a good premise. I do see what Marc means regarding sustainability of conflict although protesters have been known to be very persistent! Good luck with it and welcome to the BCG

Hi Will, thanks for reading and your comments, much appreciated! The protesters are really just there for one joke, not characters I'd have recurring (they can be done away with quite easily I think). Happy to post more if anyone would care to read more (but I'm not going to start flooding BCG).

I'm enjoying looking at the forums by the way, it's great that people so freely post videos etc, though I'm not getting much done at work anymore...

Put a producers hat on Shintree, which you should do when writing anything visual, and think how much it would cost to have a bunch of protestors for one joke. I'll give yo a clue far far too f**king much! Also like I say in a pilot don't have extraneous characters and never in the first scene.

True dat, Mr P. I was thinking more of a small group of 6-7 people rather than the cast of Ghandi turning up on the M4. Point made though, and a service station would probably be really expensive to shoot on location too.

I don't like this hat, it's too pragmatic.

Might seem silly to factor in... But trust me the people who read scripts are looking for the earliest oppo to bin them and move on to the next. Half the secret of success is not giving them reasons so to do.

It's a good start, but needs to be funnier. I can see the point about the protesters - you don't want too many extras, but I thought they got the funniest bit -

PROTESTERS (CHORUS)
What do we want? No pub! Where do we want it? Not on our motorway at junction 42 heading off towards Chippenham!

It's actually not bad. Strong setting, distinctive characters and a lot of stuff happening. You resisted the perenial critique mistake of characters just like yourself pingponging dialogue.

But your jokes need to be stronger, characters need to be stronger, dialogue stop narrating that's my big annoyance with bad dialogue. Ditch all the time characters say exactly what they're doing, or ask questions which then get answered. Also you're giving away the big idea in the first 5 minutes.

So yeh good start, but a long way to go.

A long way to go and you would be better mounting a different horse. Don't wait for the BBC. You can't submit the same thing again to the Writersroom so get on with something new.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I can see it would need a lot of work on reflection, it's my first ever effort so I'm learning all the time - it's a step learning curve! I wanted to try and estimate whether someone would read past the few scenes or not? I'm still not sure.

Marc, I think I might yet have a go at rewriting this but I certainly won't be waiting for the BBC. I have another idea in development at the moment so working on that and it's a little less obscure a situation than this one.

Thanks again!

I'll bow to Marc's knowledge of production budgets regarding the protesters. My real problem with them was that the hippy caricatures were a) really clunky (maaaaan), and b) not the right characters for protesting against pubs on motorways. I can definitely see what yopu were doing with the intro, and I think in principle it works, but I just didn't like the dialogue - except the chant, which is nice, and reminds me of the Simpsons ep where Homer is accused of sexual harassment - which is a pity as it is the first dialogue in the piece. I also hate U2, so that put me off.

If it were me, I'd make the protagonist the manager the manager of a new, small independent motorway services: it could have a bar, if you like, and also a shop, a fast food stand and filling station, all with their little characters. The protesters could have a camp just outsite the perimeter, because they're protesting the destruction of the habitat of an endangered mole, so they could be recurring characters too (in fact, I'd personally start each episide with a different comical chant pre-credits). Of course, this would be enormously expensive in terms of sets, so the next thing I'd do is write it for radio.

So, there you go: I've changed the setting, the characters, and the medium. I may have stepped beyond the bounds of constructive criticism into some sort of extreme makeover: screenplay edition. Sorry I was wiring from the top of my head and got carried away.