Skit Comp 27.5 - 3.6.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to GAPPY for winning again. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Slarnder
Speckled mention: Me

Your new subject: JUNGLE (chosen by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except John Lennon.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.6.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Gappy
2 - 10 - Slarnder

PRESENTER:
So Hubert, how did you come to discover that you had a jungle under your house?

HUBERT:
Well I always had a jungly feeling about the place - a feeling of jungleness if you will.

PRESENTER:
How would you describe this feeling of jungleness as you call it?

HUBERT:
Well the jungleness, as you call it was an ever present when I would holiday there as a youngster. We would pull up to the front door and almost as instantly as straight away this tropical feeling would overcome me.

PRESENTER:
How did this make you feel?

HUBERT:
Tropical.

PRESENTER:
So what was in this jungle?

HUBERT:
Oh we never went down there.

PRESENTER:
You never went down? Weren't you curious to see what was there?

HUBERT:
I'd be lying if I said I was curious. The tropical feeling and that sense of extreme jungleness was more than enough excitement for me.

PRESENTER:
But how do you know then that there even is a jungle under the house?

HUBERT:
I've lived in the house for over twenty years. I'd have to be an idiot at this stage if I didn't know where jungles were in proximity to my house.

PRESENTER:
Hold on a minute, it's all very well to come on here stating that there are jungles under your house but if you haven't even seen it you can't be certain. This sense of jungleness you speak of could just be the smell of fresh fruit or the local animals putting on tropical accents.

HUBERT:
Alright, alright in that case I have proof. Late at night with the falling of the light - at light fall of the day a strange hue envelopes the house. A distant drumbeat begins and gradually gets louder. A fog emerges from the basement and a man appears. Well I say man but he has a furry back like a bear, one dogs leg and one horses leg. Trailing behind him is surely nine wasps on leashes. He lights a fire and the nine wasps sit and ritualistically go to the toilet in his honour.

The man then takes out a knife, warms it on the fire and shaves one corner of the hair off of his back. He then returns to beating the drum. A cat with a pith helmet appears, the nine wasps hop onto its back and to the beat of the drum both the cat and the man march back into the basement to disappear for another night.

LONG BEAT.

PRESENTER (SHOCKED):
Thats....that is....truly astounding! I'm at a loss for words....I-I...wow! (SUDDENLY BACK TO NORMAL TONE) So what other dreams have you had?

HUBERT:
I'm working as a midwife for rabbits when a pregnant hare comes in. I haven't a clue what to do and...

FADE OUT.

END.

We come upon a clearing in the jungle. There's a glass bowl standing alone in the middle of it on a prominant rock. Suddenly a monkey drops down from a vine and carefully places a numbered stone in the bowl and goes and stands by the edge of the clearing. Several minutes go by and more and more monkeys do the same.
Eventually the bowl is full of numbered stones and the monkeys are standing around geting more vocal and visibly jumping up and down. Suddenly one monkey runs to the bowl grabs a stone, looks around and goes and stands by another monkey. The rest go wild jumping up and down and beat the floor.
We look up to a wooden sign that is hanging from a vine above the bowl. On it is engraved the word 'SWINGERS'.

CAPTAIN:
Okay, we are about to explore the largest and deadliest unexplored rainforest on Earth. So I need you to listen carefully and follow my instructions. Let me just take one final look at the map before we enter.

EXPLORER:
Okay I'll just turn it on.

CAPTAIN:
Turn it on?

EXPLORER:
Two words. Sat-nav. Or is that one word that's hyphenated? Is it even a word at all or is it just slang?

CAPTAIN:
I don't know. I don't want the sat-nav. Just give me the map.

EXPLORER:
I'm going to be honest with you here. One of the two of us may have lost the map. But anyway get with the times granddad. Sat-navs are the way forward.

CAPTAIN:
(annoyed) This is unexplored land. The only reason we found it was because of the map. What good is a sat-nav going to be?

EXPLORER:
Um it's a satellite, it's above us. How can it not work? Okay destination. As a joke shall I type in 'poo' to see what funny place names there are? Ha Ha Ha Poo-lay. What a stupid name.

CAPTAIN:
That's Poole. It's in England. How can you not have heard of it?

EXPLORER:
I've never been outside of London. Right so destination, I'll type in rainforest. Oh it's run out of charge.

CAPTAIN:
Great so we have absolutely no idea where we are going.

EXPLORER:
Hold your horses captain. I've got maps on my phone. Just need to plug the Wi-Fi in first... Okay I see the problem now.

CAPTAIN:
Right never mind if I remember correctly the first instruction on the map was to go east for 2.1 miles. So can I have the compass?

EXPLORER:
Sure. There you go.

CAPTAIN:
This is a compass for drawing circles.

EXPLORER:
Yes it is.

CAPTAIN:
Well what do you expect me to do with this? Draw perfectly formed arcs to the destination?

EXPLORER:
Oh that compass was the one for the map, so you could measure the distances. Do you want the other compass?

CAPTAIN:
Of course I want the other compass.

EXPLORER:
I think I have it here somewhere. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, hold on. Yep there you go.

CAPTAIN:
This is just a bigger mathematical compass.

EXPLORER:
Yeah it's the spare, in case the other one broke. You didn't want a bigger one than that did you?

CAPTAIN:
(shouting) No I did not want a bigger one!

EXPLORER:
(joking) Ooh Matron.

CAPTAIN:
Shut up. You're an idiot. How did you even get this job as an explorer?

EXPLORER:
Explorer? No I'm an architect. I think I may have got on the wrong plane. Is this Prague?

CAPTAIN:
(sarcastic) Yes it's the rainforests of Prague. Okay you can just wait here and do whatever and I'll look for the fossils myself.

FX: MACHETE CUTTING THROUGH TREES

EXPLORER:
Oh wait the map was just in my other pocket. Aah I'm sure he'll be fine without it.

CAPTAIN:
(OFF) Oh my God a panther, a lion and a bear all attacking me! Someone help me!

END OF SKETCH.

the lion queens speech

the proud lion,the king of the jungle & his son are walking through the jungle...

king ; ' so , gimpa , you know I am getting old and that you will soon have to take over my crown as king of the jungle . but we need to sort out your little problem ....s before you can become king .'

gimpa ;( giggles in a girly way ) ' oh father , your just being thilly . I have no problemth that I know of ! '

king ; ' oh please gimpa . just lithen ... I mean listen to yourself . you have a serious speech impediment , and you are camper tham mr camp at camp st camp , camping it up in camps and camper vans with other camp campers , and drinking camp coffee . camply . '

gimpa ; ' oooooh that thounds nithe , where is thith camp thaint camp ? '

king ; ' it was a joke mane-brain ! anyway , I am a modern lion , I don't mind so much if my son is a bit confused . and you are a real lion - I have seen you launch yourself on to several gazelles hindquarters and bite them on the neck to kill them ! '

gimap ( going pink in the cheeks ); ' errrrrr... yeth , thaths right father .. I jumped on them and f...f. flippin well killed them ! yep . because I am a fearleth hunther '

king ;' that's the spirit son! but I have bought in some help to help with your elocution ! stop walking , I think I hear him approaching ! '

2 meerkats walk out onto jungle path..

mk1; ' hellos ! I am alexanders - and this is sirgay ! '

sirgay; 'ooooooooh hellos sailors! '

gimpa ; ' ohhhhhhh hello yourthelf !'

king ; ' enough !! '

king and gimpa look at each other , the pounce on a meerkat each and rip them to pieces and devour them .

king ; ' hmm not bad , bit crunchy - needs garlic , how was yours gimpa ? '

gimpa ;' like eating a big furry sausage ! '

king ; 'yes , I know you do , but what about the meerkat ?

gimpa ; oh , not bad , would be nice with piri-piri sauce . '

king ; ' ok , that's the comparing meerkats joke out of the way , now here is your real elocution teacher !. gimpa , meet mr johnathon ross !'

gimpa ' OH THUCK ! '
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
scene 2 - woss , sorry ross and gimpa alone in a clearing .

woss; ' ok gimpa , the first thing we have to do is to get you to pwonounce your words pwoperly . I will give you a phwase and you wepeat it over and over . ok ?

gimpa ; ' yeth , I am not thilly you know ! what is the phrathe ? '

woss ; ' make sure you pwonounce every syllable cleary and not to fast . now say ' a wombat ' until I say stop . and wemember , clearly '

gimpa; errr ok ..here goes ( slowly and clearly ) ' a wombat , a wombat a wombat a wombat a wombat a wombat a ...'

andy mcnab and bear grylls burst through undergrowth, gimpa still chantinh his phrase , and start singing ;
'' in the jungle , the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight ..''

END

There once was an apple that went for a tumble
Into a white pot with some crumble
Sold as a Muller dessert corner
To an office temp aptly named Norma
It was eaten for lunch in the concrete jungle.

500 lions attain orgasm in front of a cascade. Well, pride comes before a fall.

PRESENTER: Phew! It's quite a climb.

TIBLAR: Yes. If, perhaps, you are not used to it.

P: I certainly am not. Back in Europe we have a lot more streets and fewer ladders woven from vines.

T: Ha ha. When you grow up in the jungle, you grow up climbing. You really grow up, we say.

P: I see. Whoo, I'm tired. So, is it a hard life in the jungle, Tiblar?

T: Oh, yes, it can be.

P: A constant battle with the wild animals, I suppose?

T: Yes. Animals, yes. That is why we build our village so high in the trees.

P: And this keeps you away from, what, lions?

T: No lions in jungle, that is a classic mistake.

P: Sorry. Tigers?

T: No. Think of dangerous animal you see in jungle - not in films, in real jungle.

P: Piranhas?

T: Erm...yes, OK, half marks. No, I am talking about dangerous snake.

P: Oh yes! How silly of me. Lots of poisonous snakes around, I suspect.

T: No, not poisonous.

P: I see; the deadly constrictors.

T: Oh no, these snakes are not that sort.

P: Then what do you mean they -aaargh! [OFF] Hello?

T: Simon? You are hurt?

P: No,no. Well, not too badly. What was that?

T: A snake. They are very slippery. Highly dangerous. You need help?

P: [PUFFING] No, almost there. Slippery snakes? I'm surprised - hold on, just getting my breath back - that they cause so many problems.

T: Yes. Very dangerous. It's why we live up high, to avoid them. That is why we spend such time fashioning the ladders.

P: I see, that explains why you - aaaargh!

T: Simon? Perhaps you have slid down a slippery snake again?

P: [OFF] Just maybe. Hold on. [GRUNTING AND PUFFING FOR SOME WHILE] OK, OK, I'm back.

T: You look pained, Mr Simon.

P: I'll be - I'll be alright. So, building higher helps you avoid the snakes?

T: Yes, quite right, because they are so - aarrgh!

P: Ow!! Another one.

T: I slipped on a slippery snake.

P: Yes. Did you have to take me with you?

T: I grabbed you, Mr Simon. I'm sorry, I thought you were a ladder.

P: And a landing strip, apparently.

T: Sorry, Simon?

P: [FIGHTING ANGER] Nothing, it's just...no it's nothing.

T: The snakes, they hang by their jaws to the high branches, and they are so, so slippery. So, we build, we are always making ladders.

P: [EXHAUSTED] OK so - no after you - why do you want to find a space above the snakes?

T: To protect our people and our valuables.

P: The valuables of the tribe? And ahat are they?

T: Well...mostly ladders. But, we must climb the trees to avoid the snakes.

P: But, the snakes live in the highest braches?

T: Oh, yes, very high branches for those snakes.

P: So, the higher you build, the more snakes you will find?

T: And this is why we must build, to avoid the snakes. Come, we are almost there.

P: Thank heavens for small - woh!

T: You nearly slipped, Simon.

P: I did, yes. There was a snake there and I very nearly went but luckily - aaargh!

T: Oh dear. So many snakes. Shall I wait for you, Simon?

P: [WEAK] No I'll - Jesus -

T: It is only a small ladder to climb this time.

P: I think I'll wait here.

T: Oh, no, Mr Simon, don't do that. There are a lot of snakes.

P: I'm well aware of that.

T: So, I advise you climb the ladders.

P: [ANGRY] Yes, but if I don't climb the bloody ladder I won't risk sliding down the bloody snake, will I? You can only slip on something if you're moving about, and I can't fathom for one second why you idiots bloody well do it.

T: [Beat] I advise you climb the ladder, Mr Simon.

P: No, I shall not climb the ladder. No, wait, actually, I shall climb the ladder; I shall climb down the ladder, and stop this idiocy before I break my bloody neck.

T: You are going to climb *down* the ladder, Mr Simon?

P: Yes. I. am. I'm getting out of here.

T: But you can't, Mr Simon! Not the jungle floor, it is far too dangerous.

P: Funnily enough slippery snakes don't worry me when I'm on the ground.

T: Not snakes, Mr Simon! The hungry, hungry hippos!

Sophie - What have you done all week while I've been away. The garden looks like a jungle.

Martin - Sorry, did the dande-lions scare you?

Sophie - Oh ha, ha, ha. There are weeds everywhere. You can't see my petunias for thistles.

Martin - Thistles are the emblem for Scotland. They don't sound very jungly to me.

Sophie - Why do you have to be so picky? There's bindweed choking my aquilegia. There's bramble rambling round my roses. For all I know I could have snakes in my shrubbery.

Martin - No, there's only worms in your shrubbery.

Sophie - How do you know? I could have a massive snake in there.

Martin - You might get the odd maggot.

Sophie - Perhaps I've had the odd maggot.

Martin - I dare say you have.

Sophie - You bastard. You let the garden get like a jungle, then you twist it round to get at me. Well you are the maggot. The maggoty maggot feasting on faeces!

Martin - Not the great gorilla gorging on guava?

Sophie - There's nothing great about gorillas.

Martin - Yes there is.

Sophie - No there isn't. And I think that gorillas live in the forest.

Martin - The forest is better than the jungle, isn't it?

Sophie - Only marginally.

Martin - Oh, stop being awkward. Didn't you miss me while you were away?

Sophie - I suppose so.

Martin - Well I missed you. Come on, I'll make you a banana sandwich.

Loads of good stuff to choose from this week After much deliberation I think I'll have to vote for Otterfox, I thought it was agreat set-up for a sketch, the unfounded allegation (hints of the man with 3 buttocks) - I'll admit that the dream ending was a bit, I dunno, "normal" for Otter, but I liked the sketch a lot.

Otterfox got off to a good start, but lost me with the wasps. I liked Gappy's, but he slid down too many snakes for me. Going for Dave C this week. Really liked the bit about Poole (could be biased, I used to live near there!)

I'm going for Slarnders as it was utterly bizarre and made me laugh (though perhaps not for the right reasons).

Udderf**ks.

yayy someone voted for the right reason - cos it made them laugh ! and otters made me laugh , so gets my vote

Some nice stuff this week but its Gappy for me. I like the idea of living out a game of snakes and ladders. It may have been a little long but the humour kept it ticking over.