A COUPLE WHO ARE DECIDING WHETHER TO HAVE A BABY OR NOT, HIRE OUT ONE OF THOSE LIFE BABY DOLLS FOR THE WEEKEND.
HER
(Smiles down at the baby) Right shall we call her Samantha.
HIM
(Shrugs) Whatever.
THEY PUT THE BABY IN ITS CRIB & SIT DOWN TO WATCH TV.
HIM
There is a good Horror film on in a minute
HER
Oh I don’t think we should watch things like that with a baby in the room
HIM
(HUFFS) I will record it then for when it goes back to the shop
HER
(Touches his arm) Honey we cant look at her as a toy. In order to find out if we want a baby, we have to treat her like she is one ok. So from now on, no more talk of dolls.
HIM
I hate her already.
THE BABY STARTS TO SQWARK. WHOAAAAAAAAA WHOAAAAAAAAA
HER
You go & feed her.
HIM
No.
HER
(Hands on hips).Look I carried her for 9 months, I gave birth to her, She ripped out my innards. All I am asking you to do is feed her.
HIM
I don’t want too (Crosses his arms)
HER
(Stamps her foot) Well I am not doing it. It is your turn.
HIM
(Fingers in ears)I dont like it. Take out her batteries.
HER
(Cradling the screaming baby). No we cant. Babies don’t come with batteries.
HIM
(His left leg is starting to shake & his face is turning red) SHUT IT UP! PLEASE SHUT IT UP
(He walks over to her, takes the baby & throws it across the room. The eyes stare into space & all goes quiet) There job done. (Rubs his hands together)
HER
That is abuse. You cant do that to a baby.
HIM
(Sighs)It’s a Doll. .
HER
You threw Samantha across the room, she went splat on the floor. How are we going to hide the bruises from people.
HIM
There wont be any bruises it’s a doll.
HER
Half her cheek is missing
HIM
It’s a f**king DOLL…
Cut to
IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT>
WHOAAAAAAAAA WHOAAAAAAAAA
HER
Your turn (Kicks him out of bed)
HIM
I don’t want to (Crosses his arms)
HER
(Gets the baby out and tries to force his arms open & put the baby in) Have her, feed her, love her.
THE BABY IS BEING PUSHED AND PULLED & HER LEG BREAKS OFF
HER
You made her disabled
HIM
I can screw it back in.
HER
No you cant, You pulled her leg clean off. You have crippled our child. She will have to hop everywhere now. How are we going to hide a one legged baby from people. We are going to prison for abuse. (Swings the baby as she is shouting and its arm breaks off)
HIM
Ooooooops
HER
Oh my god! You made me do that. I am going to get battered by a big angry, man looking woman in prison for that. We are going to HELL!
HIM
(Hollers)IT’S A FUCKING DOLL.
Cut to the next Morning
The one armed one legged half a face baby, is lying in its crib. A red eyed him &a bleary eyed her are glaring at it with hateful eyes.
WHOAAAAAAAAAAA WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HER
Your turn
HIM
I don’t want to (Crosses his arms)
HER
(Screaming)You are a crap Dad. You don’t feed her, change her, you make me do EVERYTHING. Well not no more matey. I am leaving you. You can bring up our one legged bashed up faced daughter. You will have no choice but to see to her (Gets her coat & heads for the door)
HE FOLLOWS HOLDING A SCREAMING BABY BY ITS HEAD.
HIM
Please don’t leave me here all alone & a single parent. (His thumb slides into the baby’s eye and it pops out of its socket & rolls across the floor)
HER
Oh My God! You blinded our child. You beat her, disabled her & now blinded her. We are going to prison for abuse. (Slides down the wall and cries hysterically)
HE GOES TO COMFORT HER AND KNOCKS THE BABY ON THE WALL CAUSING ITS HEAD TO FALL OFF.
HIM
(Whimpers) It’s a f**king Doll.
CUT TO THE COUPLE TAKING THE DOLL BACK TO THE SHOP. THEY ARE DISHEVELLED.THE DOLL IS JUST A TORSO.
SHOP ASSISTANT
(Stares at the torso, mouth agape) Erm,
HER
We don’t think we are quite ready for a baby.
THE SHOP ASSISTANT LOOKS DOWN AT THE 6 YEAR OLD TWINS BETWEEN THEM.
HIM
Yes two are enough I think.
CLOSE
Are you a cheatin' Charley? Where do you keep pulling these out from? I want to know your secret.
