Armed Bodgery

A man walks into a bank just as it is about to close, with a stocking on his head, he walks up to the teller

ROBBER
(Takes out a gun) This is a hold up

TELLER
(Shakes her head) No its not. They have elastic tops, that (Points at the stocking) is just a straight forward stocking. (Squints at the stocking) Ten denier.

ROBBER
(Angry) Look lady I don’t give a f**k. Stick them up

TELLER
(Frowns) What my hands

ROBBER
(Sighs) Yes your f**king hands.

THE TELLER PUTS HER HANDS IN THE AIR

ROBBER
Right (Slides over a bag) Put the cash into the f**king sports bag

THE TELLER STARTS TO GET THE MONEY OUT WITH HER TEETH

ROBBER
(Exasperated)What the f**k are you doing

TELLER
Well my hands are in the air

ROBBER
Well lower them then and put the f**king money in the sports bag.

THE TELLER OBEYS

ROBBER
Can you move it

TELLER
(Frowning) Move what

ROBBER
(Raised voice)Your arse

THE TELLER STANDS UP & STARTS TO WRIGGLE HER ARSE

ROBBER
(Shocked)No you stupid bitch, just hurry up & put the f**king money in the f**king sports bag.

THE TELLER WORKS QUICKER

TELLER
That is not really a sports bag you know, it’s a backpack

ROBBER
Do you want me to f**king shoot you?

TELLER
No thank you, but it was nice of you to ask.

AN ALARM STARTS TO SHRILL
ROBBER

ROBBER
Oh for f**ks sake. Just hand me the f**king sports bag with what is in there already.

TELLER
Backpack! (Hands him the bag)

THE ROBBER RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR & IS PICKED UP WITHIN SECONDS BY THE POLICE.

CUT TO

THE TELLER IS LOOKING AT A LINE UP AT THE POLICE STATION

PC LYON
Is the man who robbed your bank here

TELLER
No

PC LYON
Are you sure

TELLER
The man who robbed my bank had a 10 denier stocking on his head.

PC LYON
Well what did he look like under the stocking

THE TELLER PUTS HER HANDS TO HER FACE AND SPREADS HER CHEEKS & EYES OUT.

PC LYON
(Stunned for a few seconds) Ok can all the line up put a stocking over their heads please. (Turns to the teller) Now do you recognise if the person who robbed your bank is here.

TELLER
(Shakes her head) No they all look the same, sorry

THE ROBBER FROM THE LINE OF SUSPECTS PIPES UP
I am telling you guys, the girl is a raving loon. I walk in waving a gun & she rants on about (Puts on a womans voice). That’s a 10 denier stocking, that’s a backpack, (Turns around & starts wiggling his arse) Look I am moving my arse, blah blah blah.

PC LYON GRABS THE ROBBER

PC LYON
Your nicked son.

CLOSE.

Yes that was really good, not sure about the last bit though, with the robber pipping up. But apart from that very good.

I'm not a fan of Catherine Tate, but I can totally image you in her position, doing a lot better job of it as well, although I can't deny her success, I'd prefer to see YOU instead of her, is my point.

Great sketch!

I'd prefer to see PC Lyon and the thief going off together to the pub still bitching about the bank teller, but it's a good sketch as it is.

Thanks guy's.
Nice points there. I too was unsure about the ending.
Thanks again. *Kisses*

Woo-hoo, another great sketch Charley!

Loved this one too

Liked that a lot too ... on a second read of the ending I think it works well as is because of the line "TELLER (Shakes her head) No they all look the same, sorry". Good stuff!

I agree - it needs rounding off a bit better.

8/10 - good effort.

Truly daft, Charley. Like it!

I thought it said Armed Buggery.

Now there's an act that needs decriminalising! You could have armed buggery bars and everything.