Quote: gbus @ 16th May 2014, 10:58 AM BST
Thanks for all the feedback. I'm still not sure what is wrong, but I will go back to the drawing board. I will study dialogue from the shows I love and see if I can improve.
This was my first time trying to write a sitcom (I am a creative writer, but not of scripts) and I wrote it in 5 days, so I don't really think I gave myself enough time to tinker with it. It was a good experience though and I will continue to try with comedy and other genres.
If you want to pursue Sitcoms, Plays, dramatic/performance led writing, either now or in the future, I'd strongly suggest you take some acting classes. Even a bog standard class could be very beneficial, and it shouldn't be too difficult to find something cheap/reasonably priced either eg Adult Education classes. I learnt a tonne that way.
Initially I was totally out of my comfort zone, but I took the plunge, knowing I'd be pretty rubbish at acting and that it wasn't something I wanted to do per se, but sensing it'd do me a lot of good. I also told the teachers and my classmates upfront the reason I was going (to help my writing), and that seemed to go down fine - it also meant I felt under less pressure to prove myself as an actor. Later on, it led to some great opportunities too.
Just to be clear though, I'm not suggesting this path as a route to writing slick, superficial dialogue. An acting class should lead you to a greater understanding of the dynamics of a scene - what's really going on - and how to keep an audience on their toes.