My Sitcom for Writersroom

Hi,

Would like to post my script for the bbc on here, but not sure how to do it... Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers

Just cut and paste 10 pages or so! You may have to mess around a bit with the format - but it doesn't really matter on here, as long as it is readable.

Ok straight off you need to cut the directions right back, as a writer you only need to give a rough direction. With the talking ball, there's a neat little joke which is lost because it exists only in the directions.

Next up the characters are very similar and rather than having naturalistic dialogue all of them are essentially narrating. They're saying what they're doing, with decent dialogue the big thing is the amount that's left out.

The story isn't bad but with this stilted, drawn out dialogue it's kinda killed.

Quote: sootyj @ 12th May 2014, 12:03 AM BST

Ok straight off you need to cut the directions right back, as a writer you only need to give a rough direction. With the talking ball, there's a neat little joke which is lost because it exists only in the directions.

Next up the characters are very similar and rather than having naturalistic dialogue all of them are essentially narrating. They're saying what they're doing, with decent dialogue the big thing is the amount that's left out.

The story isn't bad but with this stilted, drawn out dialogue it's kinda killed.

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Thanks, Sooty

How odd, I honestly thought I'd given feedback on this today (obviously not!)

Anyway, I agree entirely with Sooty Bear - particularly about the lack of naturalistic dialogue and the tendency of the characters to narrate.

I also don't get much of a sense of the dynamic between them - they are pretty indistinct from each other. Try and create some colour - change in status, hierarchy, something.

You have obviously thought about this in some detail and it has promise - I just think it needs more work. Good luck

Quote: Jennie @ 12th May 2014, 8:53 PM BST

How odd, I honestly thought I'd given feedback on this today (obviously not!)

Anyway, I agree entirely with Sooty Bear - particularly about the lack of naturalistic dialogue and the tendency of the characters to narrate.

I also don't get much of a sense of the dynamic between them - they are pretty indistinct from each other. Try and create some colour - change in status, hierarchy, something.

You have obviously thought about this in some detail and it has promise - I just think it needs more work. Good luck

View original

Thanks, Jennie. I tried to adhere to Sooty's advice. Hopefully they'll like it.

I think the best thing you should do is read it out loud. Redcord it on your phone and play it back again. Ask yourself, is this how people actually talk to each other? eg People normally say things like "Gunna" not "Going to", "Summat" not "Something".
I'm in my 40's and don't watch that much TV so a lot of it, I felt was lost on me. Butthat's my mother's fault not yours.
I sense the backbone of the story hold some merit though.

I don't know any people who say gunna or summat!

dontcha

But the principle is true, naturalistic language is so important. We all speak in clipped, reduced sentences just in differing ways. It's all about the stuff that isn't said the shared assumptions that makes good, naturalistic dialogue work.

Quote: sootyj @ 15th May 2014, 9:52 AM BST

dontcha

We all speak in cliched, monosyllabic sentences just in differing ways. It's all about the stuffing not the game bird.

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Excuse me??

Absolutely. But you can spell the words correctly, then it's up to the actors how to pronounce them.

You know what I mean....

Typed the drunken detective. Now where's my bloody advance you swine.
He snarled drunkenly at his publisher.

But that's only 4 words.

It's subtext you c**t, the meaning is facking obvious.

Oh about that......

Said the editor as the penny finally dropped.

Shit, said the drunken detective.

I'm confused, said the reader.

Then piss off and read some Dan Brown, snarled the drunken and abusive detective.

Yes in the main. The principal thing is the rhythm and bounce of the words. Personality that should come through. And attitude. Attitude is very important in dialogue.

Of course yes with rhythm but laborious, didactic dialogue can't really hold any rhythm.

I'm feeling self-conscious about my own conversations now, Because I am pretty sure that's how I talk Oh dear, If they reject me, I will learn for next time.