Script Sample 2

Here's my least favourite of the sketches I wrote for Sketch Factor. Didn't feel it was up to submission but it was the only one I wrote based on an idea from the trailer. Essentially the Blog routines but this one from a mans perspective. Having read it again, still think I was right not to use it. What does anyone else think?

PART ONE

JIM
MARCH SIXTEEN..... No news on the Gabby front.... Still hasn't forgiven me for Christmas party incident... Insists it was erect... despite assurances to the contrary...
Popped to Tesco's on the way home.... Very pretty girl on checkout flirted outrageously.... Even offered to help pack my bags.... Resisted temptation to ask out later as need early night.... Driving test tomorrow.... Again.... Third time lucky....
Except this is technically fourth.... Don't count the second, abandoned after ten minutes when ran over dog..... Accidentally.... Before any of you animal lovers start hounding me. Couldn't resist the pun! Ha Ha.

JIM
MARCH SIXTEEN.... Again. Can't sleep.... Nervous about driving test.... Am sure have all bases covered.... Just finished 20 laps of Nurburgring in my Aston Martin DB9.... I am a driving god.

JIM
MARCH SEVENTEEN.... I can't believe it.... There's no way I wasn't looking in the mirror.... The examiner was a cock. Have just regained my Gran Turismo super licence and completed 100 laps of the Nurburgring in my Aston Vanquish.... Shows what he knew.... Cock.

PART TWO

JIM
MAY NINE.... Hope am not tempting fate.... Driving test next week but today, bought a car..... Obviously can't drive it but garage delivering Thursday.... Metallic black Mk1 Vectra 1.8 LS.... Always liked them.... Love the way the bonnet blends into the door mirrors.... And the movement on the cup holders is superb.... Very excited.

JIM
MAY ELEVEN.... Am now proud owner of R266.... A thousand pounds well spent.... Only downside is key fob entry doesn't work..... No matter.... Have just managed to buy one on eBAY and saved myself twenty quid.... A good day.

JIM
MAY NINETEEN. WAA-HOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Today was an epic day.... Have finally passed driving test.... Apparently conveyed extreme confidence.... That's what a 100 laps of the Nurburg'll do for you I told him.... He seemed surprised.... What a day!... Am off out!

JIM
MAY TWENTY-TWO.... Only have a few minutes, taking 'the lads' to Nottingham clubbing.... Fantastic....
Word of advice.... Key fob bought on eBAY had to be programmed by the garage to suit immobiliser.... All told, cost more than getting a new one from parts department. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

PART THREE

JIM
JULY FIFTEEN. Don't Panic Jim's Blog fans... I am alive and well..... Have just been too busy to blog....
Slight car related issue.... New suspension required.... Will cost me five hundred quid.... Tell me about it.....
What is it about supermarket checkout girls???? They're either middle aged and bearded, or really young and hot.... Nothing in between....
Have started shopping at Sainsbury's as made fool of self with the pretty girl at Tesco's....
Turns out she was only being nice as part of her job.... Went on to say something fairly uncomplimentary.... Made me realise did not really like her afterall........
Decided to have hair cut anyway.... Apparently look more handsome.... Although mum is sometimes wrong....
Still, will hopefully get a reaction from Gabby on Monday!

PAUSE

JIM
Hate not having a car..... Apparently 'the lads' are all staying in tonight.... Lent the kid in the flat below my Gran Turismo.... Turns out he's only there every other weekend.... Am very bored.

JIM
JULY SEVENTEEN.... O happy day!... After seven months, Gabby finally acknowledged me.... Believe very strongly new hair cut is responsible....
Saw her in the canteen. Didn't speak but she smiled when she saw me.... She ordered smoked duck salad and a lightly sparkling mineral water....
Overheard her telling Judith seeing me reminded her that her friend was going to help with her Brazilian. Seemingly she performs it for a living....
Presume this is particular style of dancing, like Salsa and that now possess a more mysterious, exotic, possibly South American look....
Am definitely making progress in that direction.... Ah Gabby!

you were right not to use it, sorry if i sound harsh but it was hard to see the jokes in that one, there seemed to be whole sections where there was no jokes, dunno maybe its over my head, i like the blog idea i wrote one myself and i think its a good format to show your writing style and jokes though

Quote: dyingtolive @ November 13, 2006, 10:31 AM

you were right not to use it, sorry if i sound harsh but it was hard to see the jokes in that one, there seemed to be whole sections where there was no jokes, dunno maybe its over my head, i like the blog idea i wrote one myself and i think its a good format to show your writing style and jokes though

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Not harsh. I just wasn't comfortable with it, partly I think, because it was someone elses initial idea. Don't know. I think I'd rather be rejected on what I consider to be my best work than on something that was trying too hard to fit the brief but failed on a number of levels. I nearly said I'd rather be rejected on my best work than accepted on something I considered under par. This would have been bollocks of course.

Quote: steve by any other name @ November 13, 2006, 10:36 AM

I think I'd rather be rejected on what I consider to be my best work than on something that was trying too hard to fit the brief but failed on a number of levels.

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yeah same here

Well, I have to say I liked it. I thought that those 'flat' sections illustrated the seemingly mundane-pathetic-ness of his life well, and worked nicely in contrast with the gags.

(Didn't like that "Couldn't resist the pun! Ha Ha." bit though, and no idea what 'R266' is...)

I liked it, though I can see why it's not suitable for a sketch show: it's not a sketch, it's a mini-drama (isn't that a sketch? shut up!).