Skit Comp 5 - 13.4.14

Thanks for another phwoarsome skitcomp and congratulations to some jockstrap called me for winning. I shall PM myself with a subject for next week. I won't really.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Michael Monkhouse
1 - 5 - Gappy, Stonked

Your new subject: SECRETS (chosen by Gappy). (What's the secret of happiness? I don't know. It's a secret.)

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Hitler.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13.5.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 51 - Gappy
2 - 50 - Stonked
3 - 20 - ShirlTheWhirl
4 - 15 - Michael Monkhouse
5 - 5 - Gregmweir, Supermanc
6 - 1 - Otterfox, Nick81

1: Hello, is this the secret society headquarters?

2: No.

1: Oh-ho-ho! I get it, this is *not* the secret society headquarters...can I join, then?

2: No.

1: Hang on, hang on, I meant, can I *not* join?

2: No. Yes. No. I mean, this isn't a secret society. It's a shoe shop.

1: Really? Ah-hah! Well, how do you explain all the people with their trouser legs rolled up?

2: Perhaps they're trying on shoes.

1: Never! Look at that bloke, both legs rolled right up.

2: That's a woman in a skirt. I'm afraid that this isn't a secret society.

1: So why do you have those masonic trowels on the counter.

2: The shoehorns, sir?

1: Those bendy trowels, yes. With the gnomic inscription skwalj.

2: They say Clarks, sir, you're reading it upside down. No secret societies here.

1: Oh, right. [Pause] Just some shoes, please.

2: Any in particular, sir?

1: No, just give me a pick n mix.

2: Very good, sir. Anything else for you today?

1: The secrets of alchemy. [Beat] Haaaah! Only kidding, I know you don't do that sort of stuff.

2: Very droll, sir. Have some free aglets.

1: Ooh, aglets - esoteric.

a bald man sat in a chair in a lavishly decorated room stroking a white ..tortoise . smart man in suit walks in .

bald man ; ' so , number 2 , have you came up with our new corporation name yet ?''

suit ; '' yes boss . we are going to be called S.E.C.R.E.T.S ! ''

bald ; '' oh great . an organisation bent on world domination with a name that sounds like a femine hygene product . pray tell me how you chose this title !''

suit ; '' well , like a lot of companies , we used letters to make a word ..''

bald ; '' what , like 'vowel' please Rachel ? this isn't damn countdown number 2 - heres a 9 letter word for you though - castrated - which is what you will be if you don't get on worth it ! ''

suit '' sorry boss , what it stands for is Society (of) Evil Crooks Robbers Extortioners ( and)Terrorist Society ! ''

bald ; '' I actually quite like it - but why does society appear twice ? ''

suit ; '' oh , that's so we appeal to daily mail readers - they so love clubs and societies that they will identify with us . probably .''

bald ;'' ok .. but I will have to run it by the big boss first .. you have never met our evil supervillain superbrain before have you number 2 ? ''

suit ; '' no boss , is he in the building then ? ''

bald ; '' closer than you think ! ''

(tortoise pokes his head out of shell and says) '' bwahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHA ''

ARTS HOLES

TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER and ARTIST:

PRESENTER Hello ladies and gentlemen and Belgians and welcome to 'Arts Holes', aka 'The BBC Sunday Night Art Programme', the programme about art on the BBC on Sunday. My guest this morning is Ivor Longbottom, artist, designer and freelance alcoholic. Hi, Ivor.

IVOR Yes.

PRESENTER I'd like to discuss your latest image, 'The Leaf': now the leaf represents the ageing process, or perhaps the inevitable yet melancholic passing of the seasons or if you will your own maturation as an artist. Could you enlighten us on the inspiration for this work?

IVOR I was walking along. I saw a leaf. I thought. 'That looks nice,' so I drew it.

PRESENTER Right. And this signifies...?

IVOR Don't be stupid, it's a leaf.

PRESENTER Good. Your second opus is 'Study in White and Red', a blank sheet with a red splurge across it. As an admirer of Ingmar Bergman and Sylvia Plath, I consider white coldness - emptiness - a barren mindscape, whereas red is its opposite, dare I say complement: an excess of emotion, danger, passion.

IVOR Yeah I got a piece of paper. I'd cut myself shaving. I thought, 'Looks good.'

PRESENTER Okay. The final work is - oh dear - 'Man Having a Wank.'

IVOR Yes onanism in my universe represents mankind's incessant need for love and fellowship and affection, oft emerging through channels of religion or ritual or fine arts, despite one's harrowing acceptance of the traumatic inability to psychologically and spiritually touch one's innermost soul, whereas...

PRESENTER God you're boring. (hits him so blood spills)

IVOR I call that 'Study in Red'.

INT. BUNGALOW SOMEWHERE IN NORFOLK
AN OLD COUPLE ARE READING THEIR NEWSPAPERS

ETHEL
I don't know ... these modern girls with their sideboobs. I never had sideboobs.

ARTHUR
Nobody had sideboobs, Eth. Nor underboobs.

ETHEL
I definitely didn't have underboobs.

ARTHUR
The world's gone boob mad, Eth.

ETHEL
It has. Boobs all over the place.

ARTHUR
They're unavoidable.

ETHEL
Everywhere you look. Nothing but boobs.

ARTHUR
Nothing's private anymore, Eth.

ETHEL
Everything's on show. Hanging out. Nothing's sacred.

ARTHUR
Nobody's got any modesty. Nothing's secret. It's enough to put you off.

ETHEL
It's put me right off.

ARTHUR
Time for some tea and toast, I think.

ETHEL
That's what we need.

ARTHUR
Yeah. Bloody sideboobs.

ETHEL
Who needs 'em?

END

I think it will have to be the villainous tortoise that takes it for me.

I liked slarnder's tortoise, and Michael's effort (even though I struggled to find any mention of secrets [says he who achieved nothing more than a passing reference in his own piece]]) but for me it's got to be gappy again - nicely done and it pushes all the buttons.

i concur ! liked gappy's best , although if he wins , 'dr shell' may take out a contract on him !