YORKSHIRE ALIENS
ROMESH
cientists are investigating the possibility that alien bugs, which may exist on Mars, could also have developed in a deep salty potash mine in North Yorkshire, which is very similar to the Martian environment, as is the potash mine. We have one of the scientists here today. Any success with the bug hunt so far?
SCIENTIST:Yes, Romesh, but our findings are exponentially more exciting. Not only did we find alien-like organisms in the potash mine - we also discovered that they have evolved rapidly over time into much larger bi-pedals that live among us on the surface.
ROMESH:That's amazing! What are these aliens like?
SCIENTIST:They're a hardy breed, and require a different p.H. balance to mammalian life, which they maintain by consuming copious amounts of bitter fluids. They're also very fond of flat peaked caps.
ROMESH: You mean... Yorkshiremen?
SCIENTIST:In the pre-scientific age they came to be known as such. Though we are only just beginning to understand the phenomenology of these unique lifeforms, some of their characteristics can be understood given what we know of their origins. Their tough environment has selected their genes - or whatever the alien equivalent may be - to be particular attuned to preserving limited resources, or "thrifty" in terrestrial parlance.
ROMESH:Let me guess - they're also very proud.
SCIENTIST:If I had evolved out of an abandoned potash mine in a faction of the time it took humankind to develop, I'd be pretty damn proud too.
ROMESH:How else can you spot one?
SCIENTIST:Though they pretend to be indigenous, just like non-native speakers struggling to learn English in adulthood, they have the tell-tale sign of dropping the definite article, as in "Ah war down pub, last night", and you can also look out for an over-reliance on pithy sayings, like "There's owt for nowt", and their hallmark catchphrase "Eee by goom" which has no translation in any human language. Though many of them are known never to communicate at all. I recently tested this hypothesis myself by entering one of the gathering places where they alter their p.H. levels and, despite there being scores of the aliens present, all I was able to get out of one of them was a solitary (PUTS ON LOW GRUFF VOICE) "Ay Up, Lass", at which time I made my escape lest the alien attempt inter-species mating.
ROMESH:Well I imagine even aliens get lonely.
SCIENTIST:But they are far from alone, Romesh, The creatures are known to transmit regular reports back to their Martian overlords, hidden in broadcasts of Emmerdale where the storyline would normally be.
ROMESH:I'm sorry. That just sounds too far fetched.
SCIENTIST:How else do you explain it being on the telly for over forty years?
ROMESH:Good point. Do you have anything final to say to any sceptics who are still not convinced that Yorkshiremen are, in fact, all aliens.
SCIENTIST:Two words, Romesh. Ferret. Legging.
END