CHEAP COMMONWEALTH GAMES
1.ROMESH:Instead of fireworks, the 2014 Commonwealth Games in Glasgow are to begin with the demolition of five iconic tower blocks in a highly unusual opening ceremony. Duncan and Kelly from the Scottish Tourist Board are here to explain why.
2.DUNCAN:It's nae because we're trying to save money or anything like that.
3.KELLY:Noooo. Why would you even think something like that?
4.ROMESH:I just said it was unusual?
5.KELLY:Is it because we're Scottish?
6.DUNCAN:We're Scottish so everything we do is because we're being cheap.
7.ROMESH:I never said you were cheap!
8.KELLY:Why do you keep going on and on about money and being cheap? It's not right to stereotype people.
9.DUNCAN:Aye. We could say that because you're a comedian you must have been unloved as a child and need to do stand-up to mask your deep-rooted self esteem issues.
10.KELLY
r that making people laugh is the only way you can keep your innermost fears of sexual inadequacy at bay.
11.DUNCAN:But we don't.
12.KELLY:Because we're not like that.
13.ROMESH:Guys Guys! No-one is accusing you of being cheap. Let's move on to the Queen's baton relay.
14.DUNCAN:We're very excited about this year's plans.
15.KELLY:Everyone will be allowed to participate, the athletes and the spectators. And instead of a baton, they'll each get to carry a real piece of Scottish history from the demolition site.
16.ROMESH:Wouldn't be a used brick by any chance?
17.DUNCAN:How did you know?
18.KELLY:It's like he was on the organizing committee.
19.ROMESH:And the place they'll be carrying them to?
20.DUNCAN:As is tradition, they'll carry them to the Queen, who'll be waiting at a historic battleground of huge importance in Scottish history.
21.KELLY:Which is now a landfill.
22.DUNCAN:After the relay, the athletes will return to the demolition site, where they'll be staying in the single remaining tower block which is currently used to house asylum seekers.
23.ROMESH:Where will you move the asylum seekers to?
24.DUNCAN:No need, Romesh.
25.KELLY:The rooms have bunk beds.
26.DUNCAN:But, proud as we are of our opening ceremony, what we are most pleased with is our recreational program for the athletes.
27.KELLYh yes. We don't want all those young fit muscular people getting bored, and participating in the games only takes up so much time.
28.DUNCAN
o we have planned a full range of fun activities to keep them occupied.
29.KELLY:There's woodworking. Cement mixing. Bricklaying.
30.DUNCAN:And my personal favourite recreational activity, running electrical wire and installing sockets.
31.ROMESH:I'm surprised you don't have roofing in there as well.
32.KELLY:We were planning to, but we managed to get speed roofing included as an official sport instead.
33.DUNCAN:Team India looking very strong this year.
34.ROMESH:And if this goes well, what next?
35.DUNCAN:We're hoping to host a World Cup.
36.KELLY:And rebuild Edinburgh.
37.END