NJ WEEK 5: Engineered Yeast

Engineered Yeast

1. ROMESH:With genetically modified yeast able to produce medicine I've come to the world's first yeast-based pharmacy, to see if this makes medicine free for all, or if you still need some dough.

2. BAKER:No - you still need to pay.

3. ROMESH:No - that was just a pun - the public insist on writing them.
Has being able to bake medicines made your job easier? Is being a chemist now a piece of cake?

4. BAKER:It's harder. I'm up at 4am every morning putting the ovens on - everything's made fresh each day. Excuse me, looks like a patient.

5. FXhop bell (above door) dings as someone enters

6. CUSTOMER ONE:Morning. I was wondering if you could help me. It's a little embarassing, I've got a problem, err, down below...

7. BAKERrobably sort that out with a pair of Bloomers.

8. CUSTOMER ONE:New underwear - Really?

9. BAKER:No a couple of crusty loaves. Though it depends what problem you have. Piles -

10. CUSTOMER ONEinterrupting) You can tell?

11. BAKER:I was saying piles of Bloomers are needed for more serious conditions... But if it's just haemorrhoids a pair will do.

12. CUSTOMER ONE:Cheers.

13. ROMESH:That's corny: bloomers. No-one's called them that in years.

14. BAKER:Well we try to keep medical breads aptly named, and scientists don't get out much. So for general Women's problems there's crumpet, for sore breasts there's baps and if they've been surgically enhanced to ridiculous size: cheesy baps.

15. FX: Shop bell (above door) dings as someone enters

16. CUSTOMER TWOo you have anything for this rash I've got on my back.

17. BAKER:Where on your back is it?

18. CUSTOMER TWO:All over. From my shoulder blades all the way down. The itch is driving me mad.

19. BAKER:You should really see a doctor, but in the meantime, I think you need a good french stick.

20. CUSTOMER:French? You don't think it's Legionnaire's Disease is it?

21. BAKER:No - it's the only bread long enough to scratch all over your back.

22. ROMESH:Looking round, all your bread seems to be white. I thought wholemeal was healthier. Don't you do brown bread?

23. BAKER:No. We tried it but it was putting off cockneys.

24. FX: Shop bell (above door) dings as someone enters

25. CUSTOMER 3:A pack of naan bread please.

26. BAKERo you have a prescription?

27. CUSTOMER 3:No.

28. BAKER:Naan's prescription only. What's it for?

29. CUSTOMER 3:Well I've got bit of a headache and a sore throat... And I thought curry would be nice for tea tonight.

30. BAKER:Try these instead and come back if it's not cleared up in a week.

31. CUSTOMER 3:Tortillas? They'll work with curry. Thank you.

32. ROMESH:Ah... Tortillas don't contain yeast. That was a placebo, wasn't it?

33. BAKERidn't realise you were a medical man. It's surprising how many people can be cured by tortillas, tacos and nachos.

34. ROMESH:This is a pharmacy - you can't just fob people off with TexMex food.

35. BAKER:You ever met a sick Mexican?

36. ROMESH:Fair point. Before I go, I'm due a prostate check. I suppose that's still a job for my doctor, I can't just eat a finger roll.

37. BAKERon't be ridiculous. Yeast in bread can't do everything. It's not a panacea. For prostate checks you want "The Red Lion" next door - ask for the Bishop's Finger.

38. ROMESHh of course - yeast's also used for brewing. I suppose there's a whole range of medicinal beers and wines available.

39. BAKER:No - we've not tried modified yeast past bread yet. But Bishop Carlisle drinks next door and he's a dab hand with his forefinger.

40. END