NJ WEEK 5: Traditional Family Myth

Traditional Family Myth

NOTE: Be nice if this could be given a 30/40s-style radio audio effect. All voices RP...

1. GRAMS1930s style music

2. GEORGE:I say Marjory, have you seen this in the newspaper? Some boffin at King's College seems to think the traditional British family's a myth. She says we don't exist and never have.

3. MARJORYh George, but we do exist, don't we?

4. GEORGE:Yes Marjory, of course we do.

5. MARJORY:But Darling, ever since we wed and had the children, sometimes my life seems just too perfect. How do I know that all my time cleaning and happily slaving away in the kitchen, preparing you lovely wholesome food isn't just some kind of wonderful dream?

6. GEORGE:Well one supposes that you'll just have to trust in Descartes Cogito Ergo Sum. I think therefore I am.

7. MARJORYescartes... Renee Descartes? But darling, I... I don't want to leave my existence in the hands of a... a frenchman.

8. GEORGEon't worry, buttercup. Descartes may have been french but if there's one thing drinking wine and eating cheese is good for it's philosophy.

9. MARJORYo... we're not a myth after all?

10. GEORGE:No - we're as real as corned beef fritters, Spanish influenza and the British Broadcasting Corporation.

11. MARJORYh that is a relief, darling. Now, dinner's nearly ready, I'll call the children. Barbara! Harry! Will you set the table for dinner, please?

12. FXFootsteps running as the children enter

13. BARBARAh mummy, daddy, can we play scrabble again tonight please?

14. HARRYh yes please! I love it when we play good wholesome family games together.

15. MARJORYf course we can, after you've done all the washing up and father's had his pipe.

16. BARBARA:Goodie! Oh I love you mummy and daddy. Life is perfect.

17. HARRY:Yes, it is perfect. But...

18. MARJORY:What is it Harry?

19. HARRYh... nothing really...

20. GEORGE:Now see here, young chap, your mother has asked what's up. Answer her right away.

21. HARRYorry father, mother. It's just... some of the children at school were saying we're nothing but an idealised notion that's nothing more than fantasy and never had any basis in reality.

22. MARJORYh don't listen to them, Harry. Where did they get that nonsense from?

23. HARRY:Their smartphones, mother. Some academic said we don't exist.

24. GEORGE:Now stop that nonsense right now, young fella. Your mother and I have spoken about this and we're certain this report is a fabrication. It's the myth - not us. We do exist. We're real. Do you understand?

25. HARRY:Yes father. Thank you for reassuring me - you're the best father in the whole world. I knew you had to be real. Mother, what is it for dinner?

26. MARJORYh the usual - leg of basilisk cooked in unicorn milk and pixie dust.

27. ALL:I'm so glad we're real.

28. END