NJ SKETCH: OSBORNE GOLF OPEN
ROMESH
George Osborne says the middle class will like paying the 40p tax rate because it's "good for them" and makes them feel successful, and therefore more likely to vote Conservative - just like all those miners and students who voted Tory after being singled-out for economic punishment. Nice one, George. He's also been mocked for picking people "he plays golf with" for the Bank of England's Monetary Policy nine-man (and I really mean "man") Committee.
ANNOUNCER #1
It's a lovely day here at Gleneagles where the George Osborne Monetary Policy Committee Invitational has just got underway.
ANNOUNCER #2
One of the favoured candidates is teeing off right now.
SFXHORRIBLY DUFFED GOLF SWING
ANNOUNCER #1
He's sliced it horribly and it's heading for the trees, but he was a member of the Bullingdon club so that's a hole in one!
SFXCROWD CLAPPING
ANNOUNCER #2
Up next is a hot new prospect who made quite a showing in last years Irish Open.
SFXCLEAN CRACKING GOLF SHOT
ANNOUNCER #1
He's hit it beautifully, perfectly weighted, it's dropping nicely and is inching towards the flag - but he's a bit of a pleb so it rolls down a slope that appeared out of nowhere and now he's in the sandtrap.
SFXCROWD GROANING
ANNOUNCER #2
Serves him right for being born that way if you ask me.
ANNOUNCER #1
Indeed. Now we go over to Pippa at the Women's tournament.
PIPPA
Hallo Chaps. I'm here at the golf course, well not really a golf course, more of a moor covered in thick brush, with the greens being vaguely-defined areas of slightly-less-thick brush. The lovely ladies are clearing a path with their machetes as we speak.
SFXMACHETES SLICING HEAVY UNDERGROWTH
PIPPA
And it looks like one of them is actually going to take a swing.
SFXCLUB HACKING HOPELESSLY
PIPPA
Sadly that ball's not going anywhere.
ANNOUNCER #1
It seems like it would be rather difficult to ever get one in the hole.
PIPPA
There are no holes, silly, because there's no need for them. George Osborne knows that the only people really capable of hitting a ball are the kind that that have two of them swinging freely between their legs. He's so smart. Back to you, Chaps.
ANNOUNCER #1
Thank you, Pippa. Well, we're still only on the second hole but we can already tell you the winner is male and he went to Oxford.
ANNOUNCER #2
He also hates plebs, and the only thing he knows about money is how to take yours. Goodbye
END