ROMESH
Smog levels continue to rise in Paris, to the point where you can barely see your own hand slapping an adulterous spouse 5 inches from your face. To combat the pollution, the government has moved to ban cars from the roads. We're discussing the issue with French Health minister, Francois Homme.
FRANCOIS
Allo.
ROMESH
So, Monsieur Homme, isn't this just another excuse to avoid tuning up for work?
FRANCOIS
'Ow dare you! Zat is an outrrrageous cliché! You are completely out of step with the modern French character.
ROMESH
Oh, I apologise. So what are you going to do?
FRANCOIS
It is very simple. We will ride our bicycles instead.
ROMESH
But isn't that a health risk considering the smog level?
FRANCOIS
Zat is okay, we will wear an 'at.
ROMESH
An at?
FRANCOIS
Yes, an 'at to cover our eyes. Preferably flat and black. Furthermore, in order to prevent inhalation of dangerous fumes, we will grow tiny moustaches under our noses.
ROMESH
That's all well and good but surely tiny moustaches won't prevent against carbon monoxide poisoning?
FRANCOIS
No, of course not you ridiculous man. We 'av also developed 'ighly sophisticated cycle-wear which will detect dangerous gases. The user simply wears this special blue and white striped shirt, and if at any point the white stripes turn to black, they will abandon their bike and take cover in a café or pâtisserie.
ROMESH
But are you sure these will work?
FRANCOIS
Of course we are you fool! But as a double precaution, we have the pièce de résistance; a simple 'erbal remedy to counteract the fumes. We will wear a large string of onions around our 'ead.
ROMESH
Well that all sounds very forward thinking. But one last thing, the Association Internationale de Bicycle Horn Manufacturers has just announced a strike. Won't that affect road safety?
FRANCOIS
Pah. We 'ave no need for 'orns. We will simply mimic the effect with our own voices.
ROMESH
And how might that sound?
FRANCOIS
Well I suppose a little like: "oh-hee-oh-hee-oh!"
ROMESH
Francois Homme, I stand corrected.