Newsjack one liner thread - series 10

I thought I'd seize the initiative and start and new one liner reject thread.

Here are my efforts for episode one:

BREAKING NEWS:
1."World's oldest man declared fit for work."
2."Mother's day postponed until May."
3."Zoo keeper escapes from zoo."

COMING UP:
1."We meet the magician who makes Bitcoins disappear."
2."We ask whether tumours give you cancer."
3."We reveal how audio porn is corrupting deaf youth."

LISTINGS:
1."At nine on E4, it's 'My Mad Cat Diary'. The story of one woman, ten cats and a very amusing breakdown."

2."At three on Four, there's self-pity aplenty in today's 'Come Pine with Me'."

3."At ten on Four, it's 'Benefits Street: Where are they now?' Huh, probably cashing their giros at the Post Office!"

BREAKING NEWS:

1.Research has suggested that seaweed could hold the vital key to successful weight loss. It's easy to understand why. Every time it's served up on my plate, I say, "I'm not bloody eating that."

2. Concerns are being voiced that devolution in Wales will mean fewer Welsh MPs. On the plus side, devolution in Wales will mean fewer Welsh MPs.

COMING UP:

1. In light of harrowing reports that a top Premier League footballer stands accused of sleeping with his actual girlfriend, we ask, "How will monogamous relationships affect the beautiful game?"

2. We talk to a badger about the controversial culling of Brian May

LISTINGS:

1. Tonight, at 9:00 on BBC1, don't miss a brand new show featuring reconstructions of the current troubles in Ukraine. Crimea Watch.

2. On BBC4 at 8:30pm, it's the return of travel show Pointless Journeys. This week, Billy Connolly goes there and back again to see how far it is.

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ 6th March 2014, 10:49 PM GMT

1. Tonight, at 9:00 on BBC1, don't miss a brand new show featuring reconstructions of the current troubles in Ukraine. Crimea Watch.

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BREAKING NEWS:
1. Another Ai Weiwei vase has been thrown to the floor by protesting artists in Florida. More news as it breaks.
2. Scientists discover an explanation for Chile's large fossil whale graveyard. It's all the long-dead whales.
3. Russia claims Crimea "close enough to Sarajevo to start World War One centenary conflict".

COMING UP:
1. We'll be talking to an education expert who wants to see the label of 'dyslexia' scrapped and replaced with something much easier to spell.
2. We have a man whose dog had it's nose amputated, but claims that it actually smells fine. Unless it gets wet.
3. We talk to the man who claims Oscar's red carpet was originally white, and ask him if all South Africans carpet their bathrooms, or just Mr Pistorius.

LISTINGS:
1. Later on Channel 4 it's a close look at the non-existence of February the 30th in the first episode of 'The Real Undateables'.
2. And at 10:30 on BBC3 it's a humourous look at what happens when a comedian's dog tries class-A drugs. That's 'Russell Kane's Jack Russell's Cained Again'.
3. Tomorrow BBC1 looks at the obsessed country music fan who stole his idol's remains before hiding them in his house. That's part one of "Johnny Cash in the Attic".

Maybe this wasn't 'on the nose' enough.

"Coming up later, we speak to US Secretary of State John Kettle who claims that Russian President Vladimir Pot is breaching international law by invading another country on a 'completely trumped up pretext'."

I'm a little confused (okay - a little more confused than normal)...

In past series the rejected 1-liners thread has been very busy (pretty much from the minute the emails go out on Thursday afternoon), but this series it's pretty quiet.

Are people keeping their non-topical 1-liners to themselves in the hope they can resubmit them or something?

BREAKING NEWS:

1. William Hague announces strict sanctions against Russia for its aggression in Crimea. They will begin this year's Eurovision on minus 30 points.
2. As the German Chancellor addresses the UK parliament, Skynet celebrates the success of the Terminator it sent back to kill Winston Churchill.
3. As the sky above Glasgow fills with twinkling multi-coloured lights, police rush to reassure ecstasy users that it is a natural phenomenon and not just a bad batch.

COMING UP:

1. Coming up, the big debate on UKIP. Is it Farage as in homage, or Farage as in damage?
2. As the streets of Kennington fill with other people's sewage, we'll be asking residents if they now know how the rest of the country feels having to clean up after London's shit.
3. Next on The One Show, we'll be discussing blasphemy in music videos with Katy Perry, Madonna and Cliff Richard.

LISTINGS:

1. Tonight on BBC One, "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen". How Middle Eastern fraudsters are planning to steal the bank details of Scottish politicians.
2. Next week in a Time Team special, we go back to an era when there were military tensions in the Crimea, the poor were left to starve and workers were exploited by greedy bosses.
3. This Sunday, the first in a new series of Escape to the Countryfile. John Craven is airlifted onto Dartmoor, and must find his way back to Julia Bradbury using their sexual chemistry alone.

BREAKING NEWS:
1.MtCox files for bankruptcy after loosing 750,000 bitcoins and not finding them down the back of the bitsofa.
2.Childcare costs more than mortgage as price of Freddo chocolate sky-rockets.
3.BBC Radio Comedy Head flabbergasted after Romesh Ranganathan's claim he would have "hosted Newsjack for ten series" if he was white.

COMING UP:
1.An in depth look in to celebrity selfies; are stars overstepping their own privacy or are they attempting to put the paparazzi out of business by displaying themselves at their worst?
2.Our celebrity reporter; Rosy Ringleader joins the media circus outside a South African courthouse to report on the media circus outside a South African courthouse.
3.We ask concerned technophobes about the robot exoskeleton and other superhuman inventions that could lead to the end of mankind in 'Planet of the Apps'.

LISTINGS:
1.At 9.00pm on E4 it's; 'The Only Way is Windsor'. This week after a botched spray tan Harry has to convince his grandfather not to deport him.
2.At noon on BBC2 it's; 'Songs of Praise; Vatican Edition', which features strong language from the outset and throughout.
3.Coming back up on Dave after midnight is; those five Jager-bombs he necked and that suspicious looking kebab.

My Episode one attempts:

BREAKING NEWS:
1.Wealthy winners of golden statues for acting say they are pleased to have won. The losers struggle to even act happy.
2.UKIP must be considered a 'significant party' in the upcoming European Elections. Luckily, European Elections can still be considered not significant at all.
3.A teacher has been suspended after taping up her pupils mouths. Said one student: "MHMHMHMmmmmHm"

COMING UP:
1.Is the media totally over blowing the coverage of Oscar Pistorius? We ask every person in London.
2.Does being too angry harm your health? We talk to Alan Pardew's forehead.
3.BBC Breakfast star Susanna Reid has defected to itv in a reported one million pound deal. We question do you have an allegiance to your employer, and how much does ITV four extra pay?

LISTINGS:
1.On E4 tonight there's a double bill of a loud American sitcom followed by a triple bill of another one! That's also true tomorrow night, and Saturday...
2.On Radio 4 later it's an in-depth look at the effect of wicker chairs on naturists. That's the Bottom Line at 8.30.
3.On BBC two tomorrow there's a documentary looking at the inspiration behind Oscar winning movie sensation Gravity. That's "The life of Sir Isaac Newton" tomorrow night.

Most of these are better then the the one liners that actually ended up in the show.

BREAKING NEWS:
1."Scientists teach wolf to whistle."
2."Man eats Mars bar backwards."
3."Crufts moved to Isle of Dogs."

COMING UP:
1."We come down from an all-night coke binge."
2."We ask whether gallstones are good for you."
3."And we meet a man who claims he's Jack the Ripper."

LISTINGS:
1."On ITV1 at five, there's more hilarity in 'You've Been Maimed'."
2."On Two at six, the Smegheads are back with more 'Red Dwarf' trivia."
3."And at ten on Four, Gillian McKeith returns to our screens in 'Doctor Poo'."

Week 2 failures...

BREAKING NEWS:
1. The Daily Mail has apologised for any embarrassment caused by linking Eric Pickles to the Paedophile Information Exchange. This was not what they intended when they reported his fondness for pie.
2. Mistakes in the marking of numeracy and literacy exams for trainee teachers show 103% of them has passed.
3. William Hague says Russia has "miscalculated" just how much oil there needs to be in a country before the West is interested in defending it.

COMING UP:
1. Next on BBC One, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage debate the EU, followed by two kittens fighting to escape from a wet paper bag.
2. Next on The One Show, we sent Gyles Brandreth to Crimea. Not for a report, he was just annoying us.
3. Coming up on Panorama, we talk to the cats who persuaded Tim Berners-Lee to create the World Wide Web just so they would have somewhere to share their selfies.

LISTINGS:
1. This week on Saturday Kitchen, we'll be giving you some ideas for recipes to use up all that frozen sperm the court says you're now entitled to.
2. On 29 March, BBC Radio Four will host a tribute to the nation's favourite fictional characters, such as The Vicar of Dibley, Big Bird from Sesame Street and the compassionate Conservative.
3. Next Monday, a new series of "Bang Goes The Theory". First up, the idea that austerity will resolve a financial crisis.

Really disappointed with quality of the show this week. Took a nose dive from starting off OK last week.
But then none of my stuff made it so I could just be bitter?

Will post my failed efforts tomorrow/ later today.

Are you talking about the thread or the show?

My Week 2's. Going to crack this next week.

BREAKING NEWS:
1.Drug gang's plan to smuggle heroin inside onions ends in tears.
2.As british rain and floods turn to warm sunshine, there are record reductions in people saying 'Oooh so this is global warming?"
3.The Queens youngest child Prince Edward has reached fifty, prompting an awkward birthday dinner where the Queen reminded her kids that at their ages she'd been running the country for at least twenty five years.

COMING UP:
1.Is too much sugar bad for you? Our reporter eats one thousand donuts to find out.
2.And what can be done about pot holes? A council workman will be filling us in.
3.Plus; do musical instruments respond to verbal comands? Stay tuned!

Quote: AndyGilder @ 13th March 2014, 7:49 PM GMT

COMING UP:
1. Next on BBC One, Nick Clegg and Nigel Farage debate the EU, followed by two kittens fighting to escape from a wet paper bag.
2. Next on The One Show, we sent Gyles Brandreth to Crimea. Not for a report, he was just annoying us.
3. Coming up on Panorama, we talk to the cats who persuaded Tim Berners-Lee to create the World Wide Web just so they would have somewhere to share their selfies.

View original

I suspect these should be in 'listings'. 'Coming up' is things wot are coming up in the show later.

LISTINGS:
1. This week on Saturday Kitchen, we'll be giving you some ideas for recipes to use up all that frozen sperm the court says you're now entitled to.

Pretty sure that wasn't Saturday Kitchen but a special edition of 'Cum Dine With Me'.