If I Were a Gay Man

Well I can't recall seeing songs posted here, but thought I'd put this up for critique.

I wrote it for submission to NewsRevue about 3 weeks ago - though I don't think they used it. I've finally posted a video of it on YouTube (assuming it's not been taken down yet) and they're linked from here (in showcase): https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/29764#P1054774

Any feedback gratefully received:

Dear God, you made many, many straight russians
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be straight
But it leaves me curious!
So, what would have been so terrible if had a sense of style?

If I were a gay man
queery deary deary queery deary deary queery dum
All day long I'd feel manly bums
If I were a botty man
I wouldn't have to work hard
trying to be a manly, be a manly manly manly man
If I admit I like a little bit
of queery-deary yummy-scrummy man

I'd build a big gay house with pink decoration
Right in the middle of Red Square
A place to meet with dungeons down below
There'd be a no clothes rule, man-date-ory poppers
All my KGB pals would be there
And when Kremlin Gay Boys party, lube will flow

I'd drop the pretense that I was really so macho
But won't stop wrestle-ing with bears
Big hairy men with muscles turn me on
I would still appear for action-man photos
In nothing but my underwear
But instead of AKs I'd hold man-glue guns

If I gardened uphill
queery deary deary queery deary deary queery dum
I'd be happier, truer to myself
If I took it up the bum
I wouldn't persecute queers
trying to be a manly, be a manly manly manly man
If I left the closet far behind
If I admit I like the taste of cum

And I'd be getting ploughed like a slave on a galley
Ev'ry night and ev'ry day
A legend in Moscow's new gay scene
I would change my name to Vladimir Put-it-in
And take it each and ev'ry way
Not 'President', but brand new 'Russian Queen

If I'm Dorothy's friend
queery deary deary queery deary deary queery dum
All day long I'd have oh so much fun
Cottaging with all my Kremlin chums
We'd bump off in the toilet
Just like manly manly, manly manly manly manly men
Explore new roles knelt down at glory holes
Gobbling lots of yummy-scrummy poles
Outdoing Marc Almond would be my goal
If I were a ga-ay Maaaaan

By the way, "Getting ploughed like a slave in a galley" and "to bump off in a toilet" are quite famous Putinisms (the first referring to his work as president from 2000 to 2008, the latter to eliminating terrorists no matter where they are, even in the toilet).

Or at least, that's what Wikipedia told me...

Well Dave, as a gay man myself I find it very offensive. I know your intention is to be satirical, but it just doesn't work. It would never ever be broadcast in Britain, as you surely must realise.

Apologies Beaky. A mismatch between intention and execution.

Apologies accepted.

We're friends again now.

Well as a Straight Man I found it side splittingly funny!
if you released that as a single, I'm sure will would go straight in the number 2 slot!

I think the understanding that this is sung in the voice of putin makes it acceptable, obviously out of an non-charactised voice it would be offensive as hell.

I don't think it would offend at all provided the delivery is suitably camp.

Edit: just saw the video

I read it and being tone deaf I thought it was to the tune of Prince's If I was your girlfriend.
And now I hear it's to If I was a rich man, it's a bit meh.
It's a pretty old joke and it's like a lot of stuff around Sotchi, picking on Russian homophobia by being homophobic.
I think you could have come up with something more sophisticated and original.

Not been in critique for a week or so, so didn't realise this thread has new feedback!

Quote: sootyj @ 27th February 2014, 8:43 PM GMT

I read it and being tone deaf I thought it was to the tune of Prince's If I was your girlfriend.
And now I hear it's to If I was a rich man, it's a bit meh.
It's a pretty old joke and it's like a lot of stuff around Sotchi, picking on Russian homophobia by being homophobic.
I think you could have come up with something more sophisticated and original.

View original

To be honest, given that I wrote it for NewsRevue it's better to go for a show tune/very well known tune - and, whilst I've always loved Prince, Fiddler is probably far better known/recognised.

Apologies if it came across as homophobic, it's not written nor intended that way.

About the only true bias I have is against people who don't try to make the most of their lives - past that, as long as you're not lying for profit, it doesn't really matter to me what gender/sexuality/religion/food preferences/political allegiance/taste in wine/etc etc you have.

Having said that, I'm quite misanthropic, but that's more because I feel most people don't try to live up to their potential...

One big problem is that Judgement Dave's 'satirical' ditty is unfunny. Full stop, so may be that undermines its parody elements for a start? Secondly I agree that it smacks a tad of being offensive as it relies on stereoptypes (juvenile ones) rather than subverting them. Honestly Dave. I think the Guardian did a piece recently about how various liberal minded columnists had in fact reinforced 'gay' cliches by as a way of defending gay people, they had hilariously carped on about how 'gay' the Winter Olympis were because of, well, er how camp the ceremony was and how pinkishly pretty the Russian athletes were. You see what I'm getting at?

probably they'd use it, but that's no good thing for you as a writer.

Newsrevue have always had an enfante terrible thing about doing the most offensive stuff imaginable. So it's easy to learn bad habits and get in the habit of writing stuff no one ever else would use.

I appreciate you're not going for offence, but well the artist can't always separate themselves from the art.