INT. THE DRAWING ROOM OF A COUNTRY MANSION
A MAN AND A WOMAN, BOTH IN THEIR MID-FORTIES, ARE SEATED AT EITHER END OF A LONG OAK TABLE
HE IS WEARING A WHITE FRILLY SHIRT AND RED VELVET SMOKING JACKET, AND KNOCKING BACK VINTAGE PORT
SHE IS WEARING A SLINKY BLACK DRESS, AND GUZZLING AMONTILLADO SHERRY
CONSTANCE
Mary's got a new boyfriend.
WILLIAM
Not another parasite, already? The coroner's barely had time to launder the ten grand we gave him following the accidental death of the last leech. Don't tell me she's been using her bank statements as bookmarks again.
CONSTANCE
Of course she hasn't. Being kidnapped by the librarian, held for ransom and then dumped in a skip when you wouldn't pay up taught her that lesson.
WILLIAM
Tough love, Constance. Tough love. But still they come. Lured by the promise of ancestral riches.
CONSTANCE
Why do you always have to be so cynical? Cecil likes Mary for who she is.
WILLIAM
Oh, so he's a Cecil is he? That tells me all I need to know about this creep. A spineless, chinless-wonder with atrophied gonads. Nobody called Cecil is ever going to give me the gaggle of grandchildren I so rightly deserve. Break it to Mary gently, will you Constance. Tell her he's gay and wanted for murder.
CONSTANCE
No. Cecil's very nice. He dotes on her. He buys her chocolates and cream cakes.
WILLIAM
So what are you saying? He's a feeder? He prefers his women big? He wants to turn our svelte little girl into a helpless, housebound, half ton mound of blubber who can only go to the toilet hanging from a crane? Is that what you're saying?
CONSTANCE
No. Don't be ridiculous. He's not at all sinister. He's very charming.
WILLIAM
Let me tell you what charming amounts to, Constance. Charming is when a man uses another man's hapless daughter as an innocent decoy to get his hands inside the other man's wife's knickers so that he can gratuitously flick her bean and steal the family jewellery.
CONSTANCE
Oh. That's not very nice.
WILLIAM
Well get used to the idea. Because that's what he's after.
CONSTANCE
No, I mean it's not very nice thinking of Mary as hapless. You did say hapless?
WILLIAM
Move on, Constance. It's old ground. Tell me more about this Cecil person.
CONSTANCE
Hmmmmm? No. Nothing much springs to mind. Except that Mary did say that Cecil really likes her feet.
WILLIAM
He's seen her feet?
CONSTANCE
Yes. Just the once, apparently.
WILLIAM
He's seen her feet and he still wants to be her boyfriend?
CONSTANCE
Yes. He thought they were cute.
WILLIAM
He's seen her feet and he still wants to be her boyfriend? This is more serious than I thought.
CONSTANCE
Why can't you be happy for her? Especially when she told me that she thinks Cecil is generous and warm. I just remembered her telling me that.
WILLIAM
Constance, this man is neither generous nor warm. And his compliments are clearly insincere, self-serving and devious.
CONSTANCE
I think you need to expand on that.
WILLIAM
Very well, I will. Listen. Both you and I know that Mary's feet are hideous. They're enough to make even specially trained chiropodists run for cover. What the hell was she thinking, showing them to this Cecil without due cause or recourse to general anaesthetic? Not to mention running the risk of yet another compensation claim for post traumatic stress disorder? By the way, did she show him her feet before or after they'd had sex?
CONSTANCE
How would I know? I don't know if they've even had sex? And anyway, what difference does it make?
WILLIAM
Well, if it was after sex, we can safely assume that - aaahhhh .... but can we? Hmmmm..? It would depend on whether they had the lights on or off...
CONSTANCE
Don't ask me. I don't know.
WILLIAM
OK. For the sake of simplicity, we'll assume they did it with the lights on.
CONSTANCE (PUTS HER HANDS OVER HER EYES)
I'd rather imagine them doing it with the lights off, if you don't mind.
WILLIAM (STARES FIXEDLY INTO THE MIDDLE-DISTANCE)
As you wish, Constance. In which case I'll single-handedly take on the graphic burden of the fully-lit episode.
CONSTANCE
Thank you.
WILLIAM
It's what husbands and fathers do, Constance.
CONSTANCE
Are you sure? It doesn't sound right.
WILLIAM
Too late. The lights are on and they're already having a post-coital cigarette. Mary is pulling on one of her surgical socks. Cecil is staring bug-eyed at Mary and his abject failure to notice the true extent of her pedal impediments positively confirms that he has a serious cognitive impairment. That not only explains why he's still happy to be her boyfriend but also totally rules him out as a chromosome provider for my future grandchildren.
CONSTANCE
Is it safe for me to turn my lights on yet?
WILLIAM
Not yet. They're both fully dressed but Cecil is adjusting his flies, for some reason. OK. He's done.
CONSTANCE (TAKES HER HANDS AWAY FROM HER EYES)
Thank goodness that's over. I couldn't find the light switch.
WILLIAM
We'll discuss it later.
CONSTANCE
So, where are we now? What do we know? I'm confused.
WILLIAM
We're at scenario two, Constance, which is where we imagine Cecil's reaction upon seeing Mary's feet before they have sex.
CONSTANCE
Do the lights have to be on again because I don't want to look if the lights are on?
WILLIAM
I'll tell you what, Constance, I'll tell you what I imagine could happen. It'll be quicker. Right?
CONSTANCE
Right. Fine by me.
WILLIAM (STARES INTO THE MIDDLE-DISTANCE)
Right. So, the lights are on, and Mary has removed one of her surgical socks. Cecil is studiously studying her foot.
CONSTANCE
Which foot? Cos if it's the one with the sock still on it-
WILLIAM
It's the one without a sock. No sock. Which immediately tells us that we are dealing with a determined sponger who, in return for an easy life, is prepared to find athletes foot, bunions, calluses, chilblains, corns, gout, ingrowing toenails, hammer toes and nail fungus, not to mention coarse black foot hair and varicose veins, cute. Either that or he's a sexual deviant who gets turned on by all that filthy, fetishistic shit. Either way, nothing short of a bullet through his skull will suffice.
CONSTANCE
Is that so bad?
WILLIAM
Of course it's bad. It's murder.
CONSTANCE
No, I meant the sexual deviant thing. If he wants her and he dotes on her, does it matter that he gets turned on by all that filthy, fetishistic shit?
WILLIAM
(beat) Are you ... are you talking about me ... about us? You are, aren't you?
CONSTANCE
Just saying. My f**king feet are killing me.
END
