Hello friends, here's another reject. Please feel free to pull the f**ker apart.
Ivan: I'm Ivan, and I'm an infomaniac.
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON TO SHOW THEIR SYMPATHY AND SUPPORT.
Group: Hello Ivan.
Ivan: Hello. Do I sit down now or...?
Group Leader: It's your choice Ivan. Here at Infomaniacs Anonymous we don't tell each other what to do. We're all responsible for our own choices - that's step one! But, if you feel up to it, I'm sure the group would like to know a little bit more about you.
Ivan: (RELUCTANTLY) Oh there's not much to tell really...
Group Leader: Oh come come come. No need for shame, lad. Here at Info Anon we've heard it all before. I'm sure it's not that terrible, Ivan. (LAME LAUGH) Ivan...terrible? Humour - another important step on our road to recovery!
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Ivan: I don't know where to start really.
Group Leader: Start at the beginning, Ivan. (CHUCKLE) That's usually the best place.
Ivan: Well I always thought of myself as a, you know, social surfer - a busy multi-tasker. (NERVOUS LAUGH) A bit of an info nerd, if you like. But an Infomaniac, me? No way! That was for the real data junkies, dithering and digging inside the recycle bins.
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Ivan: Then things started to get on top. A gadget here, a gismo there. It made me feel so alive, so connected!
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Ivan: But before I knew it I needed a belt of the the blackberry before I could even open my eyes. Then a frantic dash downstairs for my first real click of the day, dinging the emails down like a mad man. Hit click hit click hit click. Aargh! For Christ's sake I was even nudging the Spam! All this mixed with a cacophony of effervescent breakfast t.v. and screaming newspaper headlines!
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Eddy: Been there, bro'. Been there. No' a bleedin' thing 'appened in this shit 'ole of a world without news of it entering me every bleedin' orifice!
Ivan: What...every orifice?
Group Leader: Eddy worked at Downing street. Unprotected fax.
Ivan: Good lord! Sorry Eddy.
Eddy: 'S'lright.
Group Leader: Carry on Ivan.
Ivan: Well, things just continued downhill. Checking out complete strangers on friends reunited.
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Ivan: The wife and kids, my god! I even...I...started to beat...started to beat...
Group Leader: Take your time, lad. Take your time.
Ivan: I...started to beat them over and over the head with useless info that I'd picked up god knows where. It was even worse at work. I was a dithering wreck, spewing worthless orders about the office. A shell of a man, deafened by a din of data. (HISTRIONIC) Data data everywhere and not a spot to think!
IVAN BREAKS DOWN CRYING.
Group Leader: Come come come, lad. Lift up your head . No need for shame, Ivan. No need for shame. We've all been there. Tonight, Ivan, you've took the biggest and hardest step on the long road towards your recovery.
GROUP CLAPS TWICE IN UNISON.
Ivan: Then there's hope?
Group Leader: Of course there's hope, lad! At Info Anon we're here to help.
Ivan: Thank god! Just tell me what to do and I'll do it!
Group Leader: Well lad, It's very important that you keep attending these video conferences; and remember, if you've missed anything simply log on to our website at infoanon - that's one word - dot co dot uk, where an abundance of information is just a click a way. (PROUD) We're starting podcasts next week.
