DOCTORS CAN NOW CURE JUST ABOUT ANY MEDICAL CONDITION BY MANIPULATING GENES WITHIN A HOLOGRAPHIC SIMULATION OF THE PATIENT'S BODY. THE PROCEDURE IS TOTALLY SAFE AND THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT - APPARENTLY.
PATIENT (Female) Gene manipulation sounds very scary, Doctor. Is it really necessary to alter my genes, just to cure my dandruff?
DOCTOR It's absolutely essential. We'll be working on this holographic simulation of your body, and as you can see, your dandruff gene has the potential to produce a third ear in the middle of your forehead.
PATIENT Oh my goodness, that's so frightening.
DOCTOR I'm not saying it will definitely happen, but why take the risk? By manipulating your dandruff gene - like so - we can free you from worry. There you are, you see ... the third ear has gone.
PATIENT But why has my hologram now got cloven hooves where its hands should be, Doctor?
DOCTOR Haha. That's what I love about genes - you change one little thing and they dream up something ten times worse to throw back at you. How's it looking now?
PATIENT The feet have become cloven hooves as well. If it's all the same to you, Doctor, I think I'd rather just carry on using my dandruff shampoo and live with the risk of developing a third ear.
DOCTOR Don't forget, we're only working on your hologram. None of these changes will be made to your body until we're absolutely sure that we've got it right.
PATIENT But what if you accidentally tell the system to make the changes before we've got it right? I could be turned into a cloven-hoofed monster.
DOCTOR Trust me - it won't happen. The system can't make any changes to your body until I go over to that far wall, and press that big red button.
PATIENT What's the other button for - the big white button?
DOCTOR It's some sort of health and safety nonsense. They come in and check it every so often. OK - I think this tweak should take care of the hooves.
PATIENT No, they're still there, Doctor. And now my hologram's completely covered in long, black hair. And it's got two big horns on its head.
DOCTOR My word. That's not a good look, is it. Haha. Very much like a yak.
PATIENT I don't find it funny, Doctor. I don't want to look like a yak.
DOCTOR Of course you don't. But trust me, you'll be fine. You should have seen some of the messed up efforts I created last week, when I was learning how to use this system.
PATIENT I'm sorry Doctor, but this is all too much for me to deal with. I'm going home.
DOCTOR Please, sit down. Trust me. One day you'll look back on these moments and say "I'm glad I did it. Gene manipulation really changed my life for the better."
FX KNOCKING AT DOOR - SOUND OF DOOR OPENING
HSMAN Sorry to interrupt, doctor. Health and safety training exercise. Just showing our eager new recruit where the buttons are situated.
DOCTOR Oh, very well - if you must. But please be quick about it.
HSMAN Right lad, I'm going to trust you to test this one on your own. This is your chance to prove to me that you've got what it takes - so don't mess it up. OK? Ready? ... Steady? ... PUSH IT!
FX BUTTON BEING SLAMMED HOME
PATIENT OH NO! HE PUSHED THE BIG RED BUTTON, DOCTOR!
HSMAN Dear oh dear lad, what were you thinking? You couldn't have got it more wrong if you'd tried. And stop staring at that poor, distressed yak.
PATIENT (SOBBING) Look at me, Doctor. You've turned me into some sort of nightmarish yak type thing with big, curved horns and cloven hooves and long hair all over my body. And as bad and as terrible as all that sounds, there's something else, something so utterly ridiculous, that's really, really upsetting me.
DOCTOR Really? What is it?
PATIENT (SOBBING) I've still got dandruff.
END
