VOICE-OVER: In 2525, if you don't like the world you're living on, the solution is simple. Create your own out of any spare planet in your system. Needless to say, having a planet re-engineered doesn't come cheap, and you have to watch out for cowboys. Space cowboys that is.
DAVE: Jad, I can't believe we're finally here. In orbit around our very own planet.
JAD: Yes Dave. And terraforming this giant, barren world proved a lot more affordable than we thought it would.
DAVE: Indeed, the Auto Regenerative Fast Action Superior Design Androids-
JAD: Arfasd for short.
DAVE: -proved the perfect choice as our main contractor.
ANDROID SNIG: Sir and madam, I see you are admiring your new world. Just a year ago this was a lifeless rock. But now it has a breathable atmosphere and is covered in rich vegetation.
DAVE: Jad and I can't wait to take our first steps on the surface.
ANDROID SNIG: We will be landing momentarily.
FX SPACE CRAFT LANDING NOISES
ANDROID SNIG: I will now deactivate the artificial gravity, so you can exit.
FX. POWERING DOWN
DAVE: Terra Nova, here we come.
FX. TWO BODIES FALLING HEAVILY TO THE FLOOR.
ANDROID SNIG: Dave, Jad, why are you lying on the deck like that?
JAD: (STRUGGLING TO BREATH) I can hardly move. It's as if I'm glued to the floor.
DAVE: Me too. What the hell is going on Snig?
ANDROID SNIG: Ahh! I think I see the issue here. Did you not get the email?
DAVE: What email?
ANDROID SNIG: The one about the gravity?
DAVE: No, didn't spot that one.
JAD: Me neither.
ANDROID SNIG: Now that I think about it, we have been experiencing some communications difficulties lately. Solar flares are-
DAVE: So what did the email say?
ANDROID SNIG: This is awkward. Well it was just a reminder that Terra Nova is much bigger than your home world.
DAVE: Yes?
ANDROID SNIG: And consequently its gravity is five times greater.
DAVE: No wonder we can't move.
JAD: I must now weigh as much as an elephant!
ANDROID SNIG: Which is why in the email I advised you to be genetically re-engineered with much bigger legs, a lighter torso and a thicker neck.
DAVE: That all?
ANDROID SNIG: And to have your spines grown out at the end to provide you with effectively a third leg.
DAVE: Anything else?
ANDROID SNIG: These modifications could make mating difficult. So you should also relocate your reproductive organs.
JAD: My God! Where to?
ANDROID SNIG: We thought feet would be a good spot. Or hands.
DAVE: Great. So whenever I greet a stranger I'll have sex with them in the process.
ANDROID SNIG: We knew you'd appreciate the advantages of the new body design.
JAD: But why didn't you simply create an artificial gravity field on the surface, like you do on your ship.
ANDROID SNIG: Yes, that might have been a little easier for you. But at the end of the day you get what you pay for, mate.
DAVE: We want our money back.
ANDROID SNIG: No way. You can take this to the galactic small claims court, but it'll end up costing you more than it's worth. Anyway, I'll just roll you onto your new world and be on my way.
FX: SHIP LAUNCHING, JAD AND DAVE GROANING
ENDS
