2525 CyberDoc #1

Well I was quite pleased that they had something similar in episode 1, though I still thought mine better. I hate the fact that I really like the tonal joke...

ROBOT INTROCybernetic implants and alien lifeforms mean that modern doctors never know when they'll be needing the skills of GP, vet, IT troubleshooter or motor mechanic. But despite technological advances, sometimes the old treatments are the best.

DOCTOR(like an Eastend car mechanic) So what seems to be the problem?

PATIENTIt's my back, doctor. It's been playing up recently. Aches all the time and I keep waking up stiff.

DOCTORDon't we all - think I'm too manly for me own good sometimes.

PATIENTNo - my back's stiff.

DOCTORWell I'd best have a look then. Lie down on the examination couch and let's have a ganders.

DOCTORYou'll just feel me tapping - let me know if you feel any discomfort.

FX: Hear tapping as if hitting along a fleshy back with reasonable force, on the 4th tap:

PATIENTOWW! That hurt.

DOCTOROh good - that's quite normal. Just a bit more.

FX: hear 2 fleshy taps and then a DULL METALLIC CLANG

DOCTORAh-ha I think I've found it. Your spinal implants sound a little corroded.

PATIENTHow can you tell?

DOCTORThey should be ringing an A-Sharp but that sounds more like B-Flat. But let's open you up and have a look.

FX: Electric screwdriver unscrewing 1 to 4 screws

DOCTOR(breathes in through teeth a la car mechanics) Deary deary me. What muppet put these in?

PATIENTMy brother in law did it for my birthday.

DOCTORTsk tsk. Didn't know what he was doing did he...

PATIENTHe followed what it said in the Haynes manual for a 45 year old man.

DOCTORNot sayin' he didn't but it's not been sealed right has it - corrosion everywhere and the actuators seizing up. No wonder it's been givin' you gyp. Another couple of days and you'd have been a write off.

PATIENTCan you fix me?

DOCTOR(Breathes in through teeth again) It'll cost you.

PATIENTThat's no problem. I'm insured. How long will it take?

DOCTORWell they're standard parts - got em in stock, so cut these out, weld in some new ones. Take about 30 minutes - and I can do it while you wait.

PATIENTOh excellent - can you do it now?

DOCTORCourse I can. Hold tight - you might feel a twinge or two...

FX: Bowel loosening sounds of angle-grinder starting up

PATIENTStop!

FX: angle-grinder stops

PATIENT(scared) Actually I'm not totally sure if I want this... is there nothing else you can do? Maybe something less intrusive?

DOCTORWell it's a bit radical, but you could give it plenty of rest and take water and paracetamol. Come back in a week if it still hurts.

PATIENTThank you doctor - I don't know what I'd do without your modern cures.

END

Apart from the intro possibly giving the ending away, sort of, I liked it. In the right hands the doctor / mechanic could sound quite funny. Think you could have wrung a few more gags out of it, body type puns etc but the ending was very nice.

That's a very clever idea, I especially like the switching between the medical and mechanical.
The characters are also nice and clear.
But it kinda doesn't go anywhere we weren't expecting, that and the comedy lines are a little soft.
I could imagine it working with more archetypal mechanic lines
Have you had cowboys in
Ooh these foreign models are nothing but trouble.

Love the idea.

Feel like the opening exposition could be trimmed or reworked to make a big deal out of how technologically advanced cybernetics has become, and how complex that makes treatment - perhaps increasing the juxtaposition with the 'car mechanic' archetype.

'Modern cures' is a touch unwieldily.

You would give ibuprofen for a bad back generally (hey it's one less syllable).

I like it, I think it was better than what they went with. I think the second half is stronger than the first. If it were me I might have more of a sudden change in personality with the doctor, whereby he starts off as a nice polite GP, and adopts the mannerisms of a mechanic once he's established its a mechanical problem. But yeah, good concept, nice execution.

What about the doctor being a normal doctor and saying he needs a second opinion after the initial examination, then bringing a mechanic in?

Nice idea but I agree that there must be loads more gags to be wrung out of the scenario.

No, it's better that 512 years from now much of a Doctor's role is to be a mechanic.

There is actually a good Science Fiction story with this theme. I don't recall the Title or Author off the top of my head, but it deals with mending a bloke who has been severely damaged in a fish farming accident, involving things like ( I think) replacing leg bones etc etc.

I do, sort of, remember the punch line, but I won't include it here.

Thank you all for the feedback

Just for interest, this was probably where I read the SF story I mentioned. "The Mechanic" by Hal Clement

http://www.unz.org/Pub/AnalogSF-1984q2

Wow what a special issue, every story by a famous SF writer.

This seems to be a Russian rip-off that contains the whole text of the story.

http://maxima-library.org/knigi/languages/b/37748/read

I expect H.G.Wells said that first.

Really liked the dialogue and it's a simple idea well executed. My problem with it was that there weren't enough strong laughs. There's certainly potential for a lot in this situation.