Thoughts on this as an opening to a mockumentary comedy set in the world of chavs? Any thoughts appreciated
EXT. TERRACED STREET, MANCHESTER - DAY
Our camera focuses on number 16, a brown, worn out door with holes punched through it. KARL HOGG opens it. He's 21, shaven headed, dressed in a black tracksuit and studded earrings. Despite his appearance, he's too tall and skinny to be imposing.
KARL
Y'alright fellas. Mornin'. Come in, come in.
INT. KARL'S HALLWAY
He backs up and the camera follows him in. The floors are stained and bare, and wallpaper peels off the walls.
KARL
I'm Karl -
(leans back with arms wide)
And this is me gaff! Well it's me Mam's but she doesn't want to be on camera for too long 'cause she thinks you lot are coppers. She's mad my Mum is, mad. Amazing though, she's raised me all right hasn't she?
(cheeky wink)
Anyway, come in here and say hello to her.
INT. KARL'S LOUNGE
Karl opens the door and we enter.
KARL
She'll be in here somewhere. Mum?
(then)
Oh for god's sake.
SHARON is laid out unconscious on the couch surrounded by beer bottles. Karl looks to the camera, embarrassed.
KARL (CONT'D)
She's, erm, she's just going through a rough patch at the moment.
He shakes her awake.
KARL (CONT'D)
Mum, mum. Get up.
(she stirs)
The documentary crew are here!
(awakening properly)
I was just saying you're going through a bad patch aren't you mam?
Sharon sits up and stares, bedazzled, at the camera. She looks rough.
SHARON
Yeah, yeah it must have been a bad batch, that's right. I knew that first crate didn't taste like it did yesterday.
KARL
No, I mean you're a bit down at the moment aren't you?
(to camera)
She's not normally like this.
SHARON
Oh right, yeah yeah. I've got post natal depression, you see.
CHARDONNAY enters. This is Karl's little sister. She's an innocent and cute looking five-year-old with brown pigtails. She has a glass of water and tablets in her hands.
CHARDONNAY
Nope. Post natal depression only lasts for up to 2 years after pregnancy.
(to camera)
And I'm five and three quarters.
(to Sharon)
Now drink up, Mummy. And Karl - we've ran out out of paracetamol again - get some more!
Sharon, embarrassed, takes the tablets and shakes herself awake.
KARL
That's my little sis - Chardonnay. She's top.
TALKING HEAD. CHARDONNAY.
CHARDONNAY
I think we're pretty normal, yeah. Karl's a great big brother. But sometimes Mummy does struggle. I always have to look after her when she's tired and angry. And she always shouts at me and tells me she wishes she hadn't walked out of that abortion clinic after all. Whatever that means. She's nice most of the time though.
(beaming smile)
INT. KARL'S LOUNGE - CONTINUOUS
CHARDONNAY
Mummy, you need to lie down.
SHARON
(reaching for a beer bottle)
Gerrof' you little shit.
Chardonnay attempts to sort her Mum out in the background, Karl addresses the camera.
KARL
Anyway, come upstairs and meet my bird. Now she will impress you.
Karl leads the camera out of the lounge and up the stairs.
KARL (CONT'D)
She's called Jess and we've been together two years now. We're high school
sweethearts.
TALKING HEAD. KARL.
KARL
No, no we didn't meet at high school. I used to wait outside her school most days 'til she'd finished detention though.
INT. TOP OF STAIRS/KARL'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
KARL
(mad enthusiasm)
She's gorgeous. I'm pretty sure we'll end up married by the end of the year.
He opens his door. JESS is sat on his bed, wiping her eyes with a tissue.
KARL (CONT'D)
What's up babe?
JESS
Karl..I...I'm pregnant.
She bursts into more tears.
KARL
What?! No way!
He turns to the camera and beams.
KARL (CONT'D)
What did I say? I told you we'd end up together! I'm gonna be a Dad.
JESS
(sobbing more)
But Karl...
KARL
Why are you crying babe? We'll be fine. I love you. And you'll be a great mum. Don't be scared.
JESS
Karl it's not yours.
KARL
(shocked gulp)
What?
JESS
The baby's not yours. I've been seeing someone else.
She stands and wipes her tears, then pulls herself together.
JESS (CONT'D)
I should have told you months ago. I'm sorry. But I think we should end it. Excuse me.
(she moves past the camera and leaves)
Karl sits on the bed, head in hands.
KARL
Aww, man. Didn't see that coming. Just give me a minute here.
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