2525 Reject - Busy Bodies

I kinda liked this one but it wasn't meant to grace the airwaves it seems...

INTRO:The world is full of strange creatures, why, only this morning I saw the weirdest sight, teach me to look in the mirror before breakfast.

MRS MILDEW:We've got to do something about this 'influx' Barry. I mean, look at those dolphins over there; just standing on the edge, shivering...it's bad for business.

BARRY:You don't think it might be that big sign you put up Mrs Mildew? No diving, no bombing, and absolutely no blowing water from tops of heads.

MRS MILDEW:Rules are rules Barry. Anyway, it's not my fault the oceans have run dry and all the sea creatures have nowhere else to go.

BARRY:Maybe we could let those piranhas out of the steam room and go in the main bit?

MRS MILDEW:I'm a leisure centre manager Barry, I can't have fish genocide on my...

BARRY:Conscience?

MRS MILDEW:CV...anyway, it's not the brattish little Clownfish that are the real problem; it's those great big lumbering blobs causing a Tsunami every five minutes, like seals and whales and...

BARRY:Elephants...

MRS MILDEW:I do sometimes wonder how you ever passed your biology exams and became a lifeguard Barry.

BARRY:Em, biology exams??

MRS MILDEWh, no, here comes another one now, hes HUGE, what do they think I'm running here Barry? A leisure centre or a freak show?

BARRY:If I get the answer wrong, will you dock my pay and make me wear that frilly swimsuit again Mrs Mildew?

F/X:THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS

MRS MILDEW:Yes, can I help you??

CUSTOMER:Hello, one for the pool please.

MRS MILDEWon't you have anything smaller than a £1000 pound note??

CUSTOMERorry, but I lost all my spare change in the shingle when Loch Ness ran dry.

F/X:TILL PINGING

MRS MILDEW:Remember, no lane swimming, no swimming in the shallow end, or the deep end, or the middle bit, and NO going in the toddler pool.

CUSTOMER:Er, right.

F/X:THUNDERING FOOTSTEPS GOING OFF

BARRY:I think we better prepare for the full Hawaii Five O Mrs M, that massive elephant you just served looks a bit upset and is heading straight for the water slide.

It's a great idea with a nice punch.

Although it seems odd the oceans would run dry before fish became extinct.

Also your various lines are more illustrative than educational.

I'd go with a punter wanting a swim and being rebuffed by the guard to give a more natural feel.

> MRS MILDEW: Don't you have anything smaller than a £1000 pound note??

Where would Nellie find a £1000 note.

Try:
MRS MILDEW: Don't you have anything smaller than an old Scottish Crown??

Quote: billwill @ 26th January 2014, 12:04 AM GMT

> MRS MILDEW: Don't you have anything smaller than a £1000 pound note??

Where would Nellie find a £1000 note.

Try:
MRS MILDEW: Don't you have anything smaller than an old Scottish Crown??

View original

You mean Nessie??

Quote: sootyj @ 26th January 2014, 12:03 AM GMT

I'd go with a punter wanting a swim and being rebuffed by the guard to give a more natural feel.

View original

Didn't think of that angle, thanks Soots.

ooops, yes Nessie.

There's too much exposition in this one, Shandy. Almost every line is telling rather than showing. Animals having to be housed in leisure centres is a funny idea though.

Ah., but remember; these are RADIO scripts, the SHOWING is all done in the telling and the F/X.

I think Shandy has got it about right.

Nope Bill it just makes the exposition more difficult, you should never be showing.

Never be showing? I'm confused now. I do get what Ben meant, when I read back I can see the scene is being told through the eyes of the two characters.

Quote: billwill @ 26th January 2014, 1:28 PM GMT

Ah., but remember; these are RADIO scripts, the SHOWING is all done in the telling and the F/X.

I think Shandy has got it about right.

View original

Thanks Bill, it's a tricky one though as with radio you do need the action as well. But something does happen in mine, only it's saved until the end which may have not been enough.

Quote: billwill @ 26th January 2014, 1:28 PM GMT

Ah., but remember; these are RADIO scripts, the SHOWING is all done in the telling and the F/X.

View original

That's a fair point, Bill. The medium of radio is a little more welcoming to exposition due to it's visual limitations. However, you can still unfold action more subtly through personalities and dialogue.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ 25th January 2014, 11:57 PM GMT

INTRO:The world is full of strange creatures, why, only this morning I saw the weirdest sight, teach me to look in the mirror before breakfast.

MRS MILDEW:They come over here, taking our towels, our lockets and our swimming pools. I mean, look at those dolphins over there; just standing on the edge, shivering...it's bad for business.

BARRY:Well the sign says. No diving, no bombing, and absolutely no blowing water from tops of heads.

MRS MILDEW:Rules are rules Barry. Just because the seas dried up is no excuse for aquatic assylum seekers.

BARRY:Is that why the pirahnas are in the steam room can't we let them out.

MRS MILDEW:What and have fish genocide, I'm a leisure centre manager not Hitler.

BARRY:Conscience?

MRS MILDEW:Job description......

View original

It's sort of what I meant, I always say you can be shorter, sharper and funnier.

But isn't that just changing the type of visitors rather than putting any action in?

Not sure I understand.

It's just showing how you can get the directions clear without needing alot of extra dialogue.

I was meaning the Hitler and Asylum seekers bits. I don't think chopping it down is the issue really, more maybe it needed more 'things to happen'.

Not so much shortened more took out some of the descriptors, basically showing an audience can guess whats happening without being spoon fed.