THE PORNOGRAPHER STANDS BEHIND THE TILL IN HIS SPARSLY STOCKED PORN SHOP, IT LOOKS LIKE IT HASN'T SEEN HAPPY TIMES SINCE THE 70S. THE PORNOGRAPHER WEARS A CARDIGAN THAT SPEAKS OF DEATH AND DECAY.
THE BELL RINGS AND IN BLUSTERS MR BILIOUS, A RED FACED, 60 SOMETHING, HYPOCRITE, HE HAS A DOG COLLAR AND A UKIP BADGE.
MR BILIOUS
I saw this place on my way to Kingscross and I thought I'd pop in and give you a piece of my bloody mind. I blame the EU letting pimps like you peddle your filth.
THE PORNOGRAPHER
We supply a need.
MR BILIOUS
With what nudity, fornication, perversion and gayness no doubt.
THE PORNOGRAPHER
Oh our range is far, far wider than that, wide as you can imagine sir.
MR BILIOUS
What then whips, chains, orgies, transexuals,,,,,
MR BILIOUS SUDDENLY STOPS A LOOK OF REALIZATION FALLS UPON HIS FACE
THE PORNOGRAPHER.
Transexuals you say. Well sir would know about that, wouldn't sir, watching Coronation Street raging against Hayley Cropper, whilst yearning to feel a soft feminine kiss on your neck with a rough work mans hand on your shoulder.
MR BILIOUS TURNS TO RUN FOR THE DOOR BUT NOW IT'S A 1000 MILES AWAY AND TINY AND THE SHOP STRETCHES FOREVER
MR BILIOUS
Leave me alone it's not true, it's a...
THE PORNOGRAPHER
The firm false bosom and the sturdy Adams Apple, envying Roy Cropper, wanting, needing to be him. Or just to touch his, her, sensible, sensual red cagoule.
MR BILIOUS IS ON HIS KNEES AND SOME HOW THE PORNOGRAPHER IS STANDING BY HIM
THE PORNOGRAPHER
I have what you need sir, Hayley comes a cropper.
THE PORNOGRAPHER HANDS MR BILIOUS A MAGAZINE WITH A PHOTO ON THE FRONT OF ROY BEING SODOMISED BY HAYLEY CROPPER IN HER RED CAGOULE
MR BILIOUS
How, how, much...
THE PORNOGRAPHER
Just these.
THE PORNOGRAPHER SNATCHES MR BILIOSE'S UKIP BADGE AND DOG COLLAR AS MR BILIOUS STANDS TO LEAVE THE PORNOGRAPHER THRUSTS INTO HIS HAND AN ORANGE VEST AND A BAG OF BIG ISSUES
THE PORNOGRAPHER
And you'll need these sir.
SCENE2
OUTSIDE KINGSCROSS STATION MR BILIOUS STANDS IN ORANGE VEST, HEAD SCARF, WITH NOW OLIVE SKIN AND WOULD APPEAR TO BE A LADY IN HER 60S
A GAGGLE OF TRANSEXUALS SURROUND MR BILIOUS AND TEASE HIM/HER HE HAS THE BEATIFIC SMILE OF A RENAISSANCE PAINTING
NIGEL FARRAGE LOOKS ON IN DISGUST AND HAILS A TAXI