To pass the time while waiting for a phone call I decided to write an opening for a stand up routine. I have no intention of performing it but I just wanted to know what I would come up with if I just dumped on the keyboard.
Below are a few short paragraphs that fell out from typing the opening sentence 'I try to learn something every day'. I think there are the barest hints of a gag or two in there but they'd need an incredible amount of polishing - let me know what you think...and can you do any better. 
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I always try and learn something every day. Today I've learned what a wonderful audience you are...or not...maybe...I can't decide. It depends if you laugh or not YOU BASTARDS!
Today I've learned that swearing at an audience isn't the best approach...for my long term health. If it was Jessica Ennis would be doing stand up. She can already run, jump and throw things, AND have a baby, so she probably thinks she can take my job an' all! What does she want? A medal?
I bet I'd get a bigger laugh if I was wearing those tight shorts though. As you can probably tell some blokes don't do tight clothing very well as they accentuate the features. Y'see I have a knob in the shape of a plum...it's all very well but basically makes me look like I really am juggling fruit whenever I've got my hands in my pocket.
I am actually very talented. When I'm not juggling and being arrested in public places I'm playing the organ...and STILL getting arrested.
