Lost Fonez

Short Sketch type Film.

PSFLP

[Lucy runs towards Greg in the street looking apologetic, heels clonking, highlighted hair and Boots No7 nails flailing, ]

LUCY "god, I am sooooo sorry greg, I got delayed at the office, I've lost my phone, it's got all my stuff on it, Tina has posted a completely unexpected picture of her baby and I'm not going to be able to 'like' it. She'll think I'm a complete bitch. Could this day get any worse?"

GREG "Don't worry, with any luck it'll find it's way to the Peckham Sanctuary For Lost Phones?"

LUCY " The what? "

GREG " It's just down the road maybe we could go check? "

[Lucy Looks confused but nods affirmatively]

Cut to
[ The pair get out of a taxi and are stood in front of an old door, camera pans out to reveal they are in the middle of a run down looking london estate]

GREG: "Here we are! the P . S . F . L. P"

LUCY: " pss flp?" [looks unimpressed]

[They enter and a stern looking asian woman with grey hair in a tight bun greats them]

SAM " Hi I'm Samantha Sung, let me show you around peckham phone sanctuary"

LUCY " ohhhhhhhh kaaaaay" [looks incredulously at greg]

Cut to them walking through corridors of a 'school' type establishment.

SAM " You see most people think that their phones are being stolen and sold on, but in fact the residents of this estate warmed to the plight of carelessly mistreated handsets in the late 80's when Peter Jones made his name with carphone warehouse selling billions of handsets to families without doing the appropriate checks to make sure the devices wouldn't be mistreated or neglected.

[cutaway shot to the the back of a 'businessman' sitting in a chair in an office laughing heartily and swilling champagne'ho ho ho, ha ha ha']

SAM CONTINUES "The residents tirelessly round up these stray phones from all over london with voluntary patrols, usually of helpful local hooded youths.

LUCY " hoodies?"

[cut away shot to 'hoodies' looking mean in an alley way. drunk girl passes them. drops phone in a puddle before hopping into a cab. Next shot is hoodies shown cradling the phone looking very concerned] ------all that happens whilst samantha is saying the following :

SAM "Yes, to protect their identities from the likes of Nokia and Apple, they don't actually want your phone to be found. When we get them, they are usually in very poor condition. Cracked screens, broken cases, often unable to receive wifi without therapy. Typically our phones are charged and given full technical checks and released into the central grounds of the estate where they can be fully rehabilitated and interact with other handsets of their model and voltage. Sadly some can't integrate, they stare endlessly out of the windows and simply will not connect.
To bluetooth.

[shot from behind of the silhouette of an actual mobile phone on a window ledge]

SAM CONTINUES "It's my guess that those ones belonged to the kids.

[shot returns to the sanctuary corridor]

SAM CONTINUES "I guess they are worried what kind of reception they would get, back in the real world. They generally live out their 5 year guarantee's amongst the volunteer residents learning crafts, music and occasionally go on to better things. Nokia 3510, 'hyftr555-Zxc' became a conservative cabinet member in 2009 [then looks sad] until the sleaze allegations into phone hacking revealed pictures of the handset completely bound in electrical tape with an orange jammed into it's fliptop.[momentary shot of a grainy polaroid photo of a pixelated fliptop handset phone]
SAM [Deep breath and smile] But most are happy to remain and help out with renovating the estate and growing local organic produce until their cheap Ni-cd batteries take their last charge and their screens can no longer show the lolcats they once could. Bless our Peckham Sanctuary for lost Fones.
Dappy, our only benefactor, recently made an appeal for government funding for the sanctuary but as yet, no word. "

[Shot of Dappy in a frame on the wall, looking proud]

LUCY: so can I check if mine is here?

SAM: Go right ahead.

[they all look out of a corridor window onto the central grounds, we can only see them from the side, their faces look amazed]

[All we can hear is a mixture of samsung whistle ring tones, nokia classic tone, iphone ringtones etc.]

I like the idea and think it has potential. Lucy's first line made me laugh. I like the idea of the misconception of hoodies stealing phones when they are actually helping them. Think Sam's dialogue could do with cutting down as it gets a bit too much. The whole thing could probably be done more economically. Is there really any need for Greg at all ? Could it be done in the style of a NSPCC style charity advert or something? Oh, and the Punch was a bit of a groaner and lets it down a bit.

Quote: Mattytheswan @ 13th January 2014, 4:16 PM GMT

I like the idea and think it has potential. Lucy's first line made me laugh. I like the idea of the misconception of hoodies stealing phones when they are actually helping them. Think Sam's dialogue could do with cutting down as it gets a bit too much. The whole thing could probably be done more economically. Is there really any need for Greg at all ? Could it be done in the style of a NSPCC style charity advert or something? Oh, and the Punch was a bit of a groaner and lets it down a bit.

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yeah, you're right. Not sure why I thought it needed that wackness. It is gone. It felt good. Like, sort of, sexual in a way.

Sam's dialogue is from a story I wrote for a real girl who had lost her phone that day. Originally it was just me telling this girl about how she shouldnt' be too upset because it would end up in peckham in the phone sanctuary and that the hoodies are helpers. So there was a whole lot of interpersonal humour you can only get when you are a real person trying to convince someone something completely ridiculous. So I was trying to find a way to transplant the concepts into a sketch.
I like the idea of a charity appeal. Most of the concepts could be transplanted over and might even work a lot better. *strokes imaginary chin hair* (I should clarify, the hair is imaginary, not the chin)

Yes, I can definitely see this a spoof ad with a voiceover, or maybe a spoof documentary in the style of Peter Sellers' 'Balham - Gateway to the South' travelogue (which covered Balham-based Chinese toothbrush holesmanship among other topics). Good idea. Just needs some refining.