EXT. PARK, 08:00 SATURDAY MORNING
TWO MEN JOGGING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS STOP TO CHAT
JIM
Morning Mike.
MIKE
Morning Jim. What's with the face mask?
JIM
It's to keep out smelly molecules. The air's full of them, you know.
MIKE (LOOKS CLOSELY AT THE MASK)
Really? And two panty-liners tied on with bootlaces do the job, do they?
JIM
This is just an improvisation to keep me going while I wait for my bulk order of smog masks to arrive from China. No, actually, I think panty-liners are just a bit too porous, so I've smeared on some menthol vapour rub for extra security, so to speak. Can you smell it?
MIKE
I can smell it and I can see it. There's about half a ton of it daubed on there, by the look of things.
JIM
Best part of a whole jar, actually. I slapped it on the inside of the mask as well. It smelt really great at first, but now my nose seems to have gone numb. A bit overwhelmed, you know. Having said that, the fact that I now can't smell anything at all, could mean that the mask is totally effective - no smelly molecules are getting through.
MIKE
Who knows, Jim. It's your nose. But what I want to know is why? Why wear it? Don't you want to smell the fresh air?
JIM
No. I don't. Because it's not fresh. It's full of disgustingly smelly molecules from dog shit and dead birds and sweat from joggers. That's how we smell things, you know. From the molecules. I've been reading about it on the internet. When you smell dog shit it's because molecules of shit have actually entered your nose and reacted with special smell-sensors which are coated in mucous. And they fire through to your brain.
MIKE
Nice.
JIM
Yeah. It's basically just one step away from eating the stuff. But the molecules can't get through this baby (POINTS AT MASK). I've also smeared some menthol under my arms, to help contain my own sweat molecules. Have a sniff. Go on. (JIM LIFTS UP ONE ARM TO FULLY EXPOSE A WET PATCH OF SWEAT ON HIS T-SHIRT) You probably won't smell anything except menthol. That's my guess.
MIKE
I'll pass on that, thanks.
FADE
INT. KITCHEN, JIM'S HOUSE 08:30 SATURDAY MORNING
JIM IS SITTING AT A TABLE, READING A NEWSPAPER. HE IS STILL WEARING HIS MASK AND JOGGING GEAR, BUT NO TRAINERS.
HIS WIFE, MARY, COMES INTO THE ROOM IN HER DRESSING GOWN
MARY
What's that smell? And why are you wearing that stupid mask indoors?
JIM
The smell? It's menthol, obviously. I smeared some menthol vapour rub on my mask, to better shield me from ubiquitous, offensive molecules. They're everywhere, you know.
MARY
It's not menthol.
MARY WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND DISAPPEARS (STAGE LEFT)
JIM
Of course it is. It's unmistakeable. See for yourself - the empty jar's in the swing bin. I've put it on the shopping list, by the way. Thirty jars should do it. I'll review the situation when my bulk order of smog masks arrives from China.
MARY
I bloody knew it.
FX FRONT DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
JIM
What are you doing?
MARY MARCHES INTO KITCHEN
MARY
I've chucked your trainers outside. The soles of both were covered in the most awful smelling dog shit. How could you not have noticed when you took them off?
JIM
I didn't smell a thing.
MARY
It's smeared all over the "Welcome" mat. You've trailed it all through the hall. And the stink is rapidly working its way through the house. And by the way, you absolutely reek of sweat.
JIM
No? Do I? I had no idea. That's a result, isn't it?
MARY
How can it be "a result" when that totally stupid mask you will insist on wearing makes you totally unaware of the smog of vile stenches you're leaving in your wake.
JIM
Well, that just goes to show you, doesn't it.
MARY
Goes to show me what?
JIM
That this isn't a stupid mask. I mean, if the stench is as bad as you say it is, I'd be bloody stupid not to insist on wearing it.
END
