danphobic
Friday 10th January 2014 1:46pm [Edited]
london
224 posts
Not something I saw, but in fact experienced, unbelievably all true:
Me and a friend were staying up late smoking, let's say, banana skins when we were a bit younger (mid 20s) and watching telly. It was a large, shared 4 bedroom house and the other people were out for the night so we were settling into some horror films and self induced paranoia. Both sat red eyed staring at the unfolding horror on our modestly sized CRT telly. Out of nowhere a door upstairs creaks with an unusually controlled fashion and my mate who has a better view of the stairs looks at me shocked and says "Dan, there's somebody upstairs!". Which to my addled mind means he has actually seen someone. We both shoot up out of our seats and frantically tip-toe around the living room trying to work out what to do and doing that whisper shouting that women do when they are angry but no one else is supposed to know except you. By this time my sheer panic is rubbing off on my housemate. I have picked up a dumbell, not the best weapon but a lot better than my friends choice which was one of those miniature ironing boards that you use solely for ironing sleeves. A sleeve ironing board. The most innefectual burgler basher I have ever known. I think maybe the plan was to go up there get him to do 3 sets of 20 bicep curls then iron his sleeves properly so his arms looked both buff and immaculate.I digress.
My housemate calls up teh stairs in a shakey voice " who's up there?" but obviously most burglers are usually cannee enough not to give themselves up so easily.
After a frantic few minutes of discussion we decided the only logical course of action for a couple of stoned idiots would be to slowly check the rooms and try to chase the burgler out of the frontdoor with our improvised Robert Dyas weapons.
We creep up the stairs together slowly and as quitely as wooden stairs will allow and get onto the landing, all the time expecting some lunatic to burst out at us and lunge wildly at us with a rusty kitchen knife. All the doors are closed over but not shut so we start on the smallest room pushing the door silently open, weilding our weapons/lifestyle enhancers. Nothing, empty, phew. Onto the second room to the left, again silently push it open, a nice breeze blows on us and for a second I forget the situation we are in but then I realise that's probably how he got in and so our fear ramps up, but he's not there. My friend points to my room and we cross the landing like scared, stoned mice and thankfully the door is slightly open and I can see there is no one hiding in there apart from Buffy who is pouting at me from my 2007 buffy the vampire slayer calender, a sight for sore eyes, if only she was here, she would protect me I know she would. That means that last room, the largest, belonging to a couple, must be where teh robber is hiding, so we prepare ourselves and with a nod my friend timidly pushes the door open, both of us expecting to be a footnote article in the dialy metro about two men butchered in their own house by a crazed attacker. But the room is dark and messy. Neither of us wants to enter, there are a good few hiding places, behind the bed, in the wardrobe, behind the door. This is foreign territory for us, you just don't ever go into a couples room. We creep in and my friend feels the wall behind to turn the light on but in that same move hits what I now know is a PANIC ALARM. At that point the house alarm goes off, piercingly loud and just total PANIC and pandemonium ensues and we both run down the stairs and into the garden actually shouting 'aaahhhhh' as we go!
We are now in the garden with a dumbell and miniature sleeve ironing board, stoned, the house alarm waking up teh neighbours and still not really sure if we got killed or not.
We had no idea there was a panic alarm in their room. Who has a panic alarm? But eventually and becuase we had no choice we went back to the room and worked out what had happened and turned the alarm off and checked the remainin hiding places.
I say " so where did he go then? What did he look like?"
My mate says " I don't know, I didn't see him, I just thought I saw something"
Me " What? You said you saw someone?"
Him " No I said I thought there might be someone because the door moved"
Moral of the story. Don't get stoned when it is windy and night time and you are a couple of idiots.
) but what is pig 'breading'?
