What do you make of this?
SCENE:
A MEETING ROOM IN THE OFFICES OF THE CITY COUNCIL OF THE FICTIONAL CITY OF LAS CHANZALUNE.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Lady and gentleman of the City Council of the Sacred City of My Fair Lady of Las Chanzalune, we have convene here today to discuss plans for investment of legacy bestow on the city from the munificent estate of our benefactor, Mr Gerald Smith.
ALL:
Blessings on the soul of Mr Gerald Smith.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Worth total of 100 billion escradas. Mr Spurio, please to address.
SPURIO:
Lady, Supreme Chairman. I have here plans made consulting with famous English architect Sir Monolith Inglass. The budget is split in three: first for public utility, second for elevation of souls of the people, third - houses. For public utility, we demolish the disrepaired houses of old workers' quarter Manuela Laborios Tedios y Vino and build there big slimy new headquarter for city council. The building shall be of green smoke glass and shape like spring onion. Nice big spacious offices, with gyms, restaurants, swimming pool and helipad. Cost estimated - 58 billion escradas.
ALL:
Blessings on the soul of Mr Gerald Smith.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Thank you, Mr Spurio. Now the Lady Cloud-Surfer will tell of elevation of soul of the people.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
Thank you very much indeed. As you know, the people have always been dear to my heart and the salvation of their souls has been my life's work. We must, therefore, use this splendid legacy to create something that will have a lasting and even beneficial impact on the lives of the countless numbers of little people for whom the love and guidance of our Lord Jesus Christ is both a beacon and, I daresay, a crutch.
SPURIO:
A crutch?
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
A trusty support upon which the people may lean.
SPURIO:
Oh, I get it, yeah. I thought you say: crotch. Is word which mean...
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
And so, therefore, we will erect a marble statue, 50 metres high and ten metres wide, of Him Himself.
ALL:
Blessings on the soul of Mr Gerald Smith. (PAUSE) And Him Himself.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
But where is to go? Our city is already crowded with the many things that take space.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
Alas, indeed. Especially the housing in the poorer sections - it's so higgledy-piggledy.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
(TO SPURIO) What is this higgley piggley?
SPURIO:
Never mind. Is probably just some woman's thing.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
But Sir Monolith is a very clever man. He has an excellent solution. He suggests that we place the statue in the sea, where it won't disturb the arrangements of our city.
SPURIO:
(TO CHAIRMAN) And no one will have to look at it, huh? Except fish. And they probably just think it's like ship that sank wrong way round.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
And later on, when we have the necessary funds, we can lift the statue out of the sea and put it in a more prominent location, like on top of a mountain.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
There are no mountains in the whole of the republic. So tell the Chief Geogolit who make map.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
Indeed no. We would have to build one first. But that is a matter for future generations.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Yes. What cost of the statue please, Lady Cloud-Surfer?
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
The cost will be 40 billion escradas.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Is a lot.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
Yes, the marine installation work is very difficult to do and raises the overall price quite considerably.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Yes. What about the three number?
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
I thought I would spend it on shoes. (PAUSE) Just my little joke.
SPURIO:
Is no joke. (PAUSE) Number three is housing. Unfortunately, is there only two billion escradas left, and with administration costs and all...
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
(INTERRUPTING) Administration is important function of the council.
SPURIO:
Exact. Anyway, so Sir Monolith give us new solution to save for costs.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
What is this solution?
SPURIO:
To build house with roofes, yes - all proper. But no stone floors - just sand. He can make us about 50 new house that way.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Just sand for floores, you say?
SPURIO:
This is what he say.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
The dear poor people will enjoy the sensation of the pure sand running freely between their toes as they prepare their humble meals and undertake their domestic chores.
SPURIO:
Exact.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
I see. And are those all the item?
LADY CLOUD-SURFER & SPURIO:
Yes, Supreme Chairman.
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Very good. In that case, we must put it to a vote.
SPURIO:
What is vote?
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Is a new thing we do for telly. We put up hand to pretend like we are in a democracy. So.
HE PUTS UP HIS HAND
SPURIO:
Oh, yeah, I get it. I seen it on Yankee copshow where they say: 'Count me in, Jack.'
THE SUPREME CHAIRMAN:
Let's vote. Hands up who approves the plans. (ALL RAISE HANDS) And hands up who don't object the plans. (ALL RAISE HANDS) I declare the motion is carrion and the meeting is close. (INFORMALLY) I like sound the of new headquarter - swimming pool, restaurantus. Will there be room for big sushi place and bowlin' alley?
SPURIO:
I ask Sir Monolith to put them in. (TO LADY CLOUD-SURFER) Maybe the statue could have concrete in middle instead of marble all way through?
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
But why?
SPURIO:
That way there maybe some money left for shoes - and possible a bit more administration.
LADY CLOUD-SURFER:
You are a very clever man.
ALL:
Blessings on the soul of Mr Gerald Smith.
END
