Skit Comp 28.12.13 - 7.1.14!

Thanks for another cool skitcomp and congratulations to TURIOPS for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Tursiops
1 - 5 - Gappy, Jakob Jensen
Specialized mention: Blahblah

Your new subject: TRANSMISSION (chosen by Stonked).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.1.14

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Stonked
2 - 20 - Jakob Jensen
3 - 16 - Gappy
4 - 15 - Tursiops
5 - 12 - Otterfox
6 - 11 - Carlos Manwelly
7 - 10 - Playfull
8 - 5 - Sootyj, Stephen Goodlad, Mr Sunshine
9 - 1 - Charleywolf

[MAN enters small office. INTERVIEWER 1 & 2 are sitting behind a desk]

I1: Come in, come in. Please take a seat.

MAN: Very kind.

I2: Would you like a glass of water?

MAN: No thanks.

I1: Lovely. Now, you already know that we're looking for someone to act as judge on our forthcoming television competition; it's a live transmission, so we naturally want the best. Tell me, what was your last presenting job?

MAN:It was...

[Close up of MAN. He looks between the two interviewers. Cut to I1. Cut to I2, who licks his lips, anxiously. Cut back to MAN, who opens his mouth to speak, but still holds for a few seconds]

MAN: Crufts.

I2:Bravo!

I1:Mr Brown, that was a truly excellent piece of tension, well done.

I2:I think we've seen all we need to.

MANo, did I get the job?

[I1 looks as if he's about to speak. Go through the same "tension" cutting as before, but even longer]

I1:No, we want someone with massive knockers.

MANh.

POOR DAN YELLS

TV STUDIO.
PRESENTRESS and ROGER:

PRESENTRESS Good evening ladies and gentlemen and the French, and welcome to 'Twat's Magic', the show in which I talk to this county's finest magicians, or Paul Daniels, and get 'em to reveal the secret parts behind their cunning stunts. And as the Archbishop said to the underage knob, it was hard but I pulled it off.

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

PRESENTRESS My guest tofright is Roger Cocksmith. Hello, Roger.

ROGER Yes.

PRESENTRESS So talk us through one of your rookie stunts.

ROGER Ah yes my fine mistress. I call this one me and the blindfold as it involves me and a - ah, what's the thing called?

PRESENTRESS Blindfold?

ROGER By Gad, that's it. So I put one of those on and a fellow in the audience holds up an everyday household object - say a spoon or a ceiling or a stoat - and I guess what it is.

PRESENTRESS And how do you do that?

ROGER Well I put one of those on and a fellow...

PRESENTRESS How do you guess what it is?

ROGER I just told you, you silly little arse. I guess. And it may take a minute, it may take several decades, but in the end, by golly, I get it.

PRESENTRESS I thought maybe you'd have a secret signal - like a cough if it's a - stoat.

ROGER What, and fool my beloved audience? No fear. Those chaps have paid to be entertained, and be entertained they shall.

PRESENTRESS Okay. Another cracking stunt?

ROGER Ah, sawing the lady in half. This is a rather more delicate and tricky trick as alas, I have few foxy female fans left. They do run and struggle so. But I ensnare a lovely lady, cram her into the relevant receptacle, pull out the old tool and bang away like that Archbishop of whom you spoke earlier. And as I snap the pelvic bone and blood streams and squirts and spurts like Lady Gaga at that time of the month...

PRESENTRESS Isn't it dodgy?

ROGER No they love it.

PRESENTRESS I thought you'd have her curl up and use a fake body...

ROGER Charlton! Cheat! Frenchwoman! How would I sleep at night, knowing I'd tricked all Stoke?

PRESENTRESS All right, Roger. Last trick.

ROGER Ah now I come to my piss of resistance - sorry, that's French. This is the Bristol-famous disappearing goat trick. I take a live goat, break its scraggy little neck, then lay it on my magician's table and douse it in nitric acid and it gets smaller and littler and tinier and I look at my adoring fans and quip, 'I certainly got HIS goat.'

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

PRESENTRESS Are you completely insane?

ROGER (thinks)

PRESENTRESS F**k off.

ROGER Yes I shall f**k off. My wife and ex-assistant's waiting, here's a photo of her.

PRESENTRESS (looks) How did you do that?

JEN
I saw you on telly! How the hell did you get that part?

BEN
I know the writer/director's mum.

JEN
What, biblically?

BEN
Well, she did beget me.

BEN AND JEN TURN TO CAMERA AND SMILE LIKE TWATS.

SCENE.

DOCTOR: ...and I will need you to prepare a list of your sexual partners in the last three months.

WOMAN: All of them? Only there are rather a lot.

DOCTOR: I am not here to judge.

WOMAN: Do you want individual names or will the regiment do?

DOCTOR: Names. (SARCASTIC) Preferably with rank and serial number.

WOMAN: What about the horses?

DOCTOR; Good grief woman.

WOMAN: Just kidding, silly. They use geldings.

DOCTOR: I shall have the veterinary service stand down.

WOMAN: I also had a weekend away in Manchester. It is quite a large city.

DOCTOR: Shall I just break out the census returns?

WOMAN: Better make it the metropolitan area.

DOCTOR: Am I only the man you haven't slept with?

WOMAN: Sorry doc, you're just not my type.

DOCTOR: Given that the sensation of pissing razor blades does not entirely appeal, I am rather thankful for that. Here's a pen and pad.

WOMAN: Thanks. How do you spell your wife's name?

END.

EXT. Garden.

Several people are putting the finishing touches to the wet concrete outside a house as HOST addresses the camera

HOST - Welcome to Trans-mission I'm Anneka Rice-and-Chips, the only transsexual host on television if you forget about Anne Robinson, which we all have. This week we've been fixing up the garden of a deserving gentleman. Here he is now

A car pulls up MAN 1 gets out and is very confused

HOST - He truly is speechless. Let me talk you through what we've done I've concreted over your prize winning roses, peeled off the "no junk mail" sticker on your door and I kicked the cat up the hole. Oh almost forgot the pissy resistance

HOST grabs a stick and begins to draw in wet concrete. HOST steps back and we see "Ruck you, Dad" in the wet concrete

MAN 1 - Ruck you? Did you mean to do an F?

HOST - That is an F

MAN 1 - It's an R

HOST - Maybe it's an F in an R's body. You'd love that wouldn't you, you supportive bastard

MAN 1 - What's this all about?

HOST - I'm your only son and when I say I'm going to (mimes cutting off penis) you're supposed to get angry. Not you, you were (steadies self as if it's hard to say) supportive. You even got a bumper sticker

Points to sticker on car "My other sons my daughter"

MAN 1 - Didn't you want my support?

HOST - Yes, I just didn't think it would be so easy. All my mates have great stories about how their parents reacted, what can I say? Oh yeah my Dad didn't even put candles on the blue and pink cake he bought me

MAN 1 - I knew I should have bought some candles!

HOST - It's not about that

MAN 1 - I've been proud of you since day one and the guts you showed by doing what you did made me even prouder. I'll always support you, no matter what. Besides you never really suited a willy, did you?

HOST - Thanks, Dad

MAN 1 - This your show then is it, love?

HOST - Yeah it's a challenge Anneka rip off, but what do you expect from ITV?

MAN 1 - ITV!? You know how I feel about that. God created BBC One and BBC Two you can't just add a third channel! Betrayed by my only daughter

MAN 1 rips pocket from his shirt and exits angrily

END

INT. CAR MECHANICS.

A NEATLY DRESSED CHAUFFEUR APPROACHES A MECHANIC.

CHAUFFEUR: Has the boss fixed my stretch limo yet chum?

MECHANIC: He's working on it out the back mate.

CHAUFFEURS WALKS OUT THE BACK.

CHAUFFEUR (talking to pair of legs under rear of limo): Are you winning boss?

CUT TO HEAD POPPING ROUND FROM FRONT OF STRETCH LIMO.

BOSS: Be ready in ten mate.

INSIDE A TATTY LOOKING WOODEN MOUNTAIN SHED. CARSTAIRS DRESSED AS A SHEPHERD SITS AT A TABLE WORKING AN OLD VALVE RADIO. AN EXCITED OUT OF BREATH SMITHERS, DRESSED AS HEIDI COMPLETE WITH STICK OUT PLATTED PONY TAILS, BURSTS IN.

CARSTAIRS: (Without looking up) Getting a bit close are they?

SMITHERS: Just at the foot of the slope. Is it working yet?

CARSTAIRS: Nearly there, valves just about warmed up (Light on radio
flickers on). Here we go!

SMITHERS: Thank God!

CARSTAIRS: Calling London...Calling London....Carstairs here, over.

(Radio just crackles)

SMITHERS: Damn it, come on London...

CARSTAIRS: Steady old man. (Into Radio) Calling London...Calling London...Carstairs calling London...

V.O. (Crackly and distant) London here...come in Carstairs.

(Carstairs & Smithers smile in relief)

CARSTAIRS: Hearing you loud and clear London. What's the weather
like over there?

SMITHERS: What?

V.O. Bit overcast, looks like it might rain later...

SMITHERS: What are you doing!?

CARSTAIRS: Just being polite old chap.

SMITHERS: Well get on with it, Jerry will be here any moment!

CARSTAIRS: Yes, sorry.

V.O. What's the weather like where you are?

(CARSTAIRS LOOKS PLEADINGLY AT SMITHERS)

SMITHERS: Oh for gods sake! Tell him it has rained heavily all day.

CARSTAIRS: Right!

SMITHERS: And don't forget to mention the wind last night.

CARSTAIRS: Oh yes, that was a shocker wasn't it.

SMITHERS: (Looking out of the window) And hurry man they are already at
the path.

CARSTAIRS: Calling London...It's rained really heavy all day...

V.O. Is that Topper Carstairs?

CARSTAIRS: Gosh yes, how did you know?

V.O. It's Sidebottom here...

CARSTAIRS: Sidebottom?

V.O. Botters! We were blues together...

CARSTAIRS: Good Lord Botters! What a small world. (to Smithers)
Smithers it's old Botters, here on the bally radio!

SMITHERS: (Still looking out of the window) They are at the privy,
only moments now. (Turns) Botters?

CARSTAIRS: Yes, you remember you shot his butler at the hunt and
deflowered his sister at the mid-summer ball.

SMITHERS: Oh Botters! Though If I remember correctly, I think In fact I
shot his sister...

V.O. Do you have a message...?

SMITHERS: (Looking out of the window) No time I'm afraid they
are at the gate.

CARSTAIRS: (Into radio) No time for any message I'm afraid, the damn
bosch are on us. Send my best to the gang, Benders,
Chappers, Tipsy, Coopers, Ladders, Fluffy, Willers and Big
Stan...(Pause) Nursey, Flip, Jock, Spock, Special Fred, Cookie,
Slash and Dear old Spanky. (Smithers whispers into Carstairs
ear) Oh and Smithers sends his best to your Butler.

V.O. Will do old man. Pity about the message.

CARSTAIRS: Yes.

V.O. Yes.

(Long Pause)

CARSTAIRS: After you with the revolver Smithers.

(We move in to a close up on the radio. Then hear two shots)

V.O. Bloody bad luck with the weather chaps, over and out.

(LONG PAUSE)

SMITHERS: (off) Damn and blast I think I shot Carstairs, I'm bally rubbish
with bloody guns...

INT. A DOCTOR'S SURGERY
AN OLD MAN COMES IN WEARING A SMOCK-TYPE DRESS WHICH BULGES WITH A HUGELY OBVIOUS BUMP IN THE ABDOMINAL REGION.

DOCTOR
Aah, Mr Jones. Back so soon. And wearing a smock, I see. Very fetching. So, what is it today - titanic tapeworm, gigantic gallstone, or have you swallowed a pig?

MR JONES (BEAMING)
Och noo I'm swithering wee jock pit oot ye ken it's nae that the noo doctor. It's a sair fecht the noo.

DOCTOR
How extraordinary. Since we saw you yesterday you've become an unintelligible variant of something Scottish. That's something we've not experienced before. Well done.

MR JONES
Sorry Doctor. I didn't understand any of that myself. What I was trying to say is that I'm with child. I think I caught it from a pregnant woman I sat next to on the bus, last night.

DOCTOR
And then, just like that, you're no longer weirdly Scottish. That really is remarkable. Bravo.

MR JONES
It only happens when I suck butterscotch, Doctor. Don't ask me why. I had to swallow the last bit because all the och noos and ye kens were doing my head in. Life's full of little mysteries, isn't it, Doctor.

DOCTOR
It certainly is, especially where you're concerned. Which brings us back to today's little humdrum conundrum ... Mr Jones, I can tell you, with utmost authority, that pregnancy isn't a transmissible condition. Goodbye.

MR JONES
Aren't you going to examine me, Doctor? Give me an ultrasonic scan or something? Oooh - I just felt a kick. I'm guessing a boy. What do you think?

DOCTOR
Mr Jones, how old are you?

MR JONES
Sixty eight.

DOCTOR
Mr Jones, even if we ignore the obvious biological contradiction of gender, and the attendant lack of necessary procreational equipment, the simple truth is - you're too old to bear a child. Good grief, man, at your age you could technically be a great-great-grandparent.

MR JONES
I see. So what you're saying is that I'm too old to be a parent but I could be a great-great-grandparent?

DOCTOR
Yes. I suppose I am.

MR JONES (LOOKS DOWN AT HIS BUMP)
Oh, thank you Doctor. Isn't nature wonderful? My first great-great-grandchild! It's a miracle!

DOCTOR
Get out.

END

Liked Tursiops and give a special mention to Stylee's gag gag, but it is Stonked for me. Really well drawn characters and Angus Deayton played the Doctor in my head...

tursiops

Close between Stonked & Playfull. I'll go for the latter : )

And it's Playfull for me.

It's blahblah by a short neck from gappy, but playfull comes up on the outside and snatches it at the line.

Tursiops.