Hey guys, mind the formatting i copy and pasted this... Love some ideas for endings and ways to tweak this so it's better. It's being written for a sketch stage show. Cheers.
The Marriage Guidance Sketch
Lights up on husband Peter and wife Jane on stage with secretary Margaret. There is a desk with three chairs around it.
Margaret
lease have a seat; the marriage guidance counselor will be with you shortly.
Margaret leaves.
Peter:I still don’t know why we had to come here; our marriage is fine. We never fight.
Jane:We never fight because you’re never home in time to fight. I can only fight the kids.
Peter:Well, I’m sorry that I’m providing for the family, it’s not easy y’know…
Jane
h shoosh…
Enter Dr. Sampson.
Dr. Sampson:There it is. There it is. Young love. It’s a beautiful thing.
Peter:You must be Dr. Sampson.
Dr. Sampsonlease… call me Marty, everyone does.
Janeleased to meet you Marty. I’m Jane and this is my husband Peter.
Dr. Sampsoneter and Jane. P and J. Peejay! How long has peejay been together?
Jane:We got married just under two years ago.
Peter:But we met in high school.
Dr. Sampson:How romantic! But thing’s aren’t working out. There’s trouble in peejaydise; and so early on! What seems to be wrong? …Peter.
Peter:Well to start with there’s not really anything wrong…
Dr. Sampson:Why are you here then?
Peter:Because Jane wanted to…
Dr. Sampson:…and you’d do anything for her. You love her. No problem there. So the problem is you. (Jane)
Jane:The problem is I never see him.
Dr. Sampson:Then the problem is your eyes.
Jane:The problem is he’s always at work.
Dr. Sampson
o you visit him at work?
Jane:I haven’t even been to his work.
Dr. Sampson:My wife Margaret always visits me at work. In fact she’s my secretary. Or as I like to call her my sex-retary. Mind you, we didn’t start off so rampant and sexual. She shouldn’t have been so controlling. I shouldn’t have slept with her mother. But we’ve gotten over that. We attended marriage guidance counselling and now we’re as strong as a fox!
Enter Margaret with a cup of tea.
Margareti! Dickhead! I bought you a tea.
Dr. Sampson:Thank you Margaret. She brings me things… that’s love.
Dr. Sampson sips his tea.
Margaret:And can I get you two anything?
Dr. Sampson:No!! This tea has one sugar!
Margaret:You normally have one sugar.
Dr. Sampsonne heaped sugar, you stupid useless woman! Take it back this instant! You see the love in that woman’s eyes?
Peter:…Okay…
Jane:But Dr. Sampson…
Dr. Sampsonlease call me Marty.
Jane:Marty, I can’t just show up at his work. Firstly I don’t think it’s allowed, and then who would look after the kids?
Dr. Sampson:Let Margaret look after them. That’d keep the stupid bitch busy.
Margaret:I heard that you motherf**ker!
Dr. Sampson:I thought we’d gotten over that!
Margaret:How in your right mind could you even think of me getting over you sleeping with my mother?
Dr. Sampsonh, get the hell out of here! And get me my tea! You see we have so much in common.
Peterk, I think that’s enough for us thank you Doctor.
Margaret:Huh! Some doctor! Tell them what you studied, Marty.
Dr. Sampson:It’s Doctor Sampson to you!
Margaret:Tell them!
Dr. Sampson:Veterinary Science.
Margaret:And tell them why you aren’t working as a Vet.
Dr. Sampson: No!
Margaret:Tell them!
Dr. Sampson:I got kicked out.
Margaret:And tell them why you got kicked out.
Dr. Sampson:I’ll kick you out if you don’t get me my tea.
Margaret:Tell them!
Dr. Sampson:I had sex with someone’s spaniel. And I’ll tell you what; he was a better lay than you’ll ever be! Now get me my tea!
Margaret:That’s it! I don’t know why I hung around with you for so long. I’m leaving!
Dr. Sampson:Good, I don’t need you! Get out of here! And get me my tea! As you can see, we’re honest and open about our feelings.
Peterr. Sampson, we’ve had quite enough. We came here for marriage guidance and you’ve just blabbed on about yourself the whole time! We’re out of here, come on Jane.
Dr. Sampson:No wait. Sit down. We can keep going. We’ll talk about you. I promise. Just relax. I’ll get Margaret to get us some tea. Margaret!
Jane:But she’s left.
Dr. Sampson
he’s left? But that means…
Dr. Sampson breaks down into tears.
Dr. Sampson:Why? I love her! I love her whole family! Was it because I made love on her whole family? I love that stupid bitch! Where am I going wrong?
Jane:Well you shouldn’t yell at her like that.
Peter:And you shouldn’t call her names.
Dr. Sampsonh no, she likes that.
Jane:I don’t think anyone likes being called a stupid bitch.
Dr. Sampson:Really?
Peter:Yes! Why don’t you try being nice to her, do something romantic?
Dr. Sampson: What, like say “you’re my favourite stupid bitch”.
Jane:Just tell her that you love her.
Dr. Sampson:Won’t that sound a bit gay?
Peter:No, she’ll love it.
Jane:And the more you say it, the stronger your relationship will become.
Dr. Sampson: Thank you, I’ll do it! Thank you so much for your help! Well, it looks like our time is up anyway. That’ll be $120.