What D is Bob Holness?
Tell us a joke Page 8
What did Watson buy Sherlock for Christmas?
A De-Juicer.
Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ 13th January 2014, 1:30 PM GMTWhat did Watson buy Sherlock for Christmas?
A De-Juicer.
Have you just got round to opening that last cracker?
(I actually did not get it at first)
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 13th January 2014, 8:59 AM GMTWhat D is Bob Holness?
damned fine TV presenter
Quote: sootyj @ 13th January 2014, 4:33 PM GMTdamned fine TV presenter
Yes
I was supposed to be going sky diving,
but me and the instructor kept falling out
Quote: sootyj @ 31st December 2013, 10:10 AM GMTI went to an anorexic restaurant, I said I'll have what the staff are having
But they were having none of it.
I was trying to find this the other day in the restaurant thread. Really like this one 
thanks and everyone #restaurantjoke
When I found out my Anger Management Class had been cancelled this morning I was So.......... !
OK with it,
Don't think I'll bother going next week!
My friends tell me I'm to impatient,
Can't wait to prove them wrong!
One swallow does not make a Summer. But it does mean she likes you.
What's old and wrinkly but comes in smooth and young?
Tom Daley's new boyfriend.
Quote: sootyj @ 31st December 2013, 10:10 AM GMTI went to an anorexic restaurant, I said I'll have what the staff are having
But they were having none of it.
It's a nice joke but, for me, the repetition of the word "having" is jarring.
Generally I would avoid repeating any major words from the set up in the punchline.
Good advice in all dialogue.
Unless you make a feature of it.
My Girlfriend said she was leaving me because I was obsessed with quoting Kylie Minogue Songs:
I Said, Please Stay, Give me just a little more time, it's Better the devil you know, just Put your hand on your heart and tell me that it's over, but, you've Got to be certain, for, On a night like this, Its never to late, Please, Confide in me, What do I have to do, to stay, In your arms, I can't get you out of my head, I'm Spinning around, in a Fever, Wow, I'm, Shocked, If you leave, there will be, Tears on my pillow, for with you it was, Love at first sight.
She Said, Ok, I'll Stay, Especially for you.
I said, Great, and I promise I will stop this obsession with quoting Kyle Songs!
She said, I Should be so lucky!!!!!
Here you go, some old groaners from my dusty archive:
So, the launch of my new book went well. I got it over the roof today.
I like to invite JK Rowling over when I have a full English breakfast. Nothing beats a bit of HP Source.
My daughter told me she'd spilt Tipp-Ex on the chair I was sitting in but I didn't believe her. I stand corrected.
I wasn't great in school. I thought Pythagorus Theorem was the leader of the Autobots.
Paul Verhoeven to direct a documentary on the simple life of beetles. 'Basic Insect'.
Porcine: the collective name for a group of bad semaphore users.
My nan's new bungalow is pretty much perfect for her. There's just one flaw...
How many alchemists does it take to change a lightbulb into gold?
Mum and dad were barristers who gave me electro-shock therapy. I was brought up on charges.
Just put in a bid on some original Hammer Horror posters. Very Pricey.
After researching my family tree I learned I have some Eastern European ancestry and that they were great swimmers. In short I'm a tad pole.
The Deja Vu Society think they've met before, every third Wednesday
As a child I loved rocking horses. They particularly like AC/DC.
My wife told me to give my dad a ring, so I picked up the phone and called a jewellers.
All work and no play makes me think my days as a theatre producer are numbered.
Here's an interesting tale: I was told that magic mushrooms don't work by a talking potato.
If you want to tax the richest in society, ask them how much a pint of milk is.
My brother came to my glam-rock party carrying a bunch of Enid Blyton books. 'Who've you come as?' I said. 'Noddy Holder.'