Quote: AndyGilder @ 18th March 2014, 7:13 PM GMT"What's with those f**king pointy things on top of bastard castles?"
"Turrets?"
"No, I just swear a lot."
Bingo 
Tell us a joke Page 30
Guy goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot (familiar?). The pet shop owner says he's out of parrot's but he has a nice selection of hamster's. Guy thinks for a bit and persuaded by a discounted cage buys one.
He gets up the next day to find the hamster dead as a duck in the cage. He phones the pet shop and plays merry hell. The pet shop owner asks him if he has a garden. The guy says he has. The pet shop owner says he'll refund the guy but first put the dead hamster in a blender throw some sugar and a little water in with it, blend and throw it all over the garden. Then phone him the next day. Somewhat reluctantly the guy does this.
The next day he gets up and there are hundreds of daffodils all over the garden. He rings the owner and tells him.
'Strange' says the owner, 'you only normally get tulips from hamster jam'.
(Sorry 
)
Break-in last night at the Comedy Store.
Police are looking for some evidence, a motive and a famous historical figure.
again very nice, you seem to have a gift for these neat puns.
I'm not saying me and my wife argue a lot, but my bedside table is next to the couch.
Quote: sootyj @ 18th March 2014, 9:50 PM GMTagain very nice, you seem to have a gift for these neat puns.
Hours sat in darkened rooms, my eyes taped open "Clockwork Orange" style watching Tim Vine, Stuart Francis and Gary Delaney 
Quote: roscoff @ 18th March 2014, 9:00 PM GMTGuy goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot (familiar?). The pet shop owner says he's out of parrot's but he has a nice selection of hamster's. Guy thinks for a bit and persuaded by a discounted cage buys one.
He gets up the next day to find the hamster dead as a duck in the cage. He phones the pet shop and plays merry hell. The pet shop owner asks him if he has a garden. The guy says he has. The pet shop owner says he'll refund the guy but first put the dead hamster in a blender throw some sugar and a little water in with it, blend and throw it all over the garden. Then phone him the next day. Somewhat reluctantly the guy does this.
The next day he gets up and there are hundreds of daffodils all over the garden. He rings the owner and tells him.
'Strange' says the owner, 'you only normally get tulips from hamster jam'.(Sorry
that made me laugh.
Quote: AndyGilder @ 18th March 2014, 7:13 PM GMT"What's with those f**king pointy things on top of bastard castles?"
"Turrets?"
"No, I just swear a lot."
A neat gag. Jimmy Carr would like that one
Yo mother earth's so fat she swallowed an airliner....
What's got two legs and is covered in blood?
Half a cat.
Cliff Richard was so engrossed in Wuthering Heights, he got hit by a cyclist in Hampstead.
I'd warned him, "stay off the Heath, Cliff".
Had to get my cat spayed yesterday... Hit it on the head with the pointy bit.
My primary message has always been and will remain "yuk, girls smell of poo"
(Do people outside the north also call it primary school?)
Some people believe they have seen the image of Jesus in topical trees.
*facepalm*
We are currently Starving our selves, for no reason on the missing Malaysia airlines case. we are not eating until the government can sh*t information out of their ass. This particular case is coming to an end as we have finally understood that starving ourselves is not going to bring back the dead or give us anymore information.
But don't worry about us having to eat anytime soon as we have been contacted by an with a more justifying reason to put life's to risk by going on an hunger strike,
A little boy has called to say that his plane has gone missing. He suspects that his mother may of broken it or the dog may of chewed it. WE the(THSFIOMPC) vow not to eat until his mother has given back a new plane or gives information on the were-about of the current plane.
I was going to change the ending from a little boy too a footballer not being allowed his plane until he finishes his dinner (scores)
there is many possibilities for the end of this joke PM or Reply to yours