Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 24th May 2020, 1:07 PMCannibal lost a vomiting competition. Brought up the rear.
Gay lost a sex contest. Came up the rear.
One Direction lost a singing contest.
Offended your ear.
PS. Do you see what I did there? 
Tell us a joke Page 232
Thank you.
Elvis was offended when I said he misformed participles: I'm all shook up.
McCartney was offended when I said he made repetitive Bsides: It's not true, it's not true, it's not true.
One Direction were offended when I said they were total shit.
The new Nasa Taxi service to the Space Station launches on Wednesday. To keep costs down Astronauts will tell the taxi driver to stop when the clock reaches a million dollars then they will get out and walk the rest of the way.
I feel hemmed in by Facebook. I want my space back.
Piss Artist missed the easel
Leonardo's tired of his model complaining. You're such a moaner, Lisa.
DIY Injuries by Uma Fum
DIY is like One Direction. You make a bolt for the door.
Will I win a diarrhea contest, or am I just an also-ran?
Will Rowan Atkinson ever create a new character, or is he just a has-Bean?
Will One Direction ever do f**k all?
I drove up to County Durham to get my eyes tested, when I got there all I could see was bald, bullshitting tosspot.
Small world eh?
What's the difference between Skype and Zoom? 10 quid.
A new factory in Sheffield that makes Binoculars has been built the wrong way round. It was only discovered when an employee noticed it takes one mile to get to work and ten miles to travel home
Public Toilets will have yellow markings on the floor as lockdown eases
It said in the WC, 'Put only toilet paper down the toilet.' So I shat on the floor.
Lee Mack to present TV talent contest for Carpenters. This will take place in Epping Forest and hitting the hammer on the nail it will soon be known has Effing Forest