I told Geri Halliwell she had a clandestine relationship with my pet kangaroo. She wasn't convinced. She said, Is yer wallaby my lover?
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Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 11th February 2014, 9:24 AM GMTI told Geri Halliwell she had a clandestine relationship with my pet kangaroo. She wasn't convinced. She said, Is yer wallaby my lover?
OMG No! 
*shoots joke*
Their it's dead no-one can use this joke now, I killed it.
(Sadly I expect I have used faaaar worse over the years, and they should suffer a similar if not worse fate) 
Geri Halliwell is a weather reporter with an exclusively male audience. She says, It's raining, men.
I promise to stop now.
"Hang the EA, hang the EA, hang the EA..."
Morrisey offers his expert view on the cause of the current floods.
When Gary Barlow was asked if he could help raise money for those who have suffered due to the bad weather, he said:
"Babe, Have a Little Patience, We were holding back the Flood, and, Sure, the sun, Shine, will help, How deep is your Flood? if we bring, A million love songs, Could it be magic? help me, Relight my Fire, and, Never forget, It only takes a minute, and Everything Changes, so, Do what you like, for, This could be the greatest day of our lives!!!
Kate and Gerry McCann walk into a bar.
The barman says "Why the long farce?"
Looking through my old jokes for a project and found this which although is a bit close to the bone, made me chuckle.
I couldn't believe it when my 19-year old son won the lottery and didn't want anything to do with me when I rang to congratulate him.
His foster family have obviously raised him to be a right tight bastard.
Looks like Vanish isn't the only thing that gets rid of Staines.
The fostering joke is a really good surprise reveal
Cheers Sooty.
Another win for me at the World Series of Spacehoppers
That's three on the bounce.
I'm not saying these floods are bad, but the next time you'll see Somerset is on a Time Team special.
Weather Update!
Just heard that in some parts of Somerset they have 3 feet!
and in other parts, there are reports of flooding!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 9th February 2014, 4:23 PM GMTHear about the priest with two penises? Puts the willies up choirboys.
I told him there's two choirboys next door. He said, Thanks for the heads up.
I don't think we should give Scotland independence.
We are going to need somewhere to scurry to when the floods reach Hadrians wall.
Scotland are like a moody teenager. They bleat on about wanting to be independent, but as soon as they f**k it all up they will come crawling back, tail between legs wanting us to bail them out.