Went to an Ethipian restaurant. Ate f**k all. There was food outside but no one let it in.
Tell us a joke Page 223
Thief with diarrhea. Just takes the money and runs.
Elvis was upset when I said he didn't use correct grammar. He said, 'I'm all shook up. So treat me nice. In fact, love me tender.' I said, 'Sorry but them's the rules innit.'
I was directing Much Ado About Nothing with my good friend Tina Turner and suggested we double the female lead. She wasn't convinced. She said, We don't need another Hero.
I can't remember the month after June. - July? - No it's true.
My mother left my party with six men. I phoned later and she said, 'I'm home and dry. Actually...'
To distract myself from Sporty Spice, I developed a fruit diet. It's melony, see?
Which comedian preaches to the converted? My-Creed.
I did a whole Oscar Pistorius interview without referring to his condition. What a feat.
I revisited my 90s porn collection. It still stands up well.
What does an Amish say after sex? Oh brother.
My trousers have a 37" waist and a 36" leg measurement. If I decide to take them in by 4" and take them up by 3", what have I got?
The wrong trousers.
What's got 94 legs, can't speak Italian and never f**ks? Ex Pats in Rome.
What's the difference between a hysterectomy and an Ex Pat In Rome? A hysterectomy is not a total c**t.
What's the difference between my mother and the Duke of York? He only had ten thousand men... But when they were up...