John Lennon returned from his holiday shivering to death. I said, Where did you go? He said, Cold Turkey.
Tell us a joke Page 220
-What sort of car have you got?
-Corsa
-What sort of f**king car have you got, twat?
Quote: gappy @ 8th January 2019, 1:11 PM-What sort of car have you got?
-Corsa
-What sort of f**king car have you got, twat?
Took me a moment but
What brand's your Tshirt? - Guess. - I don't know. What brand's your Tshirt?
I've reached the moment in my autobiography where I grow out of masturbation. It's my ageing-of-come story.
I'm so shy. Why can't I be confident? I've been with my girlfriend for 15 years and I still can't say those three little words. Those three magic words I so wish to say and she so wishes to hear. Just... 'Swallow the lot.'
I have to look after the house while my mother, Victoria Beckham and Melania Trump have a night out. I'll be waiting till the cows come home.
Gameshow where you jerk off to feathers. Come on down.
What's the difference between tourists and my mother's undies? Tourists don't always get ripped off.
I can't remember the name of that beautiful island. - Seychelles? - Shells. I can't remember the name of that beautiful island. (I'm really sorry.)
What's the difference between Ronnie Barker and my mother's legs? Ronnie did more than Open All Hours.
What's fat, likes the Spice Girls and keeps contributing to dead threads?
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 6th February 2019, 1:12 PMWhat's fat, likes the Spice Girls and keeps contributing to dead threads?
Don't stop, I love your jokes...and...did you know, if you say 'space ghetto' it sounds like Spice Girl in a Scottish accent?
Btw, one of my fave jokes is derived from one Data told in a Star Trek episode in an attempt to appear more human.
I tell it:
A man walks into a butcher's shop and says, "A pound of kiddley, please." So the butcher replies, "Do you mean a pound of kidney?" and the man says, "That's what I said, diddle I?"
It's an old one, but I find it impresses children and I can't write jokes myself and can only remember about one joke and that's one of them. I love jokes about meat (insert own punchline, see above).
Quote: Old Lady Leg @ 7th February 2019, 10:40 AMIt's an old one, but impresses children .
Like my vicar.
The Pied Piper of Hamlyn, 5000 kids running after one man. That's a priest in reverse.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 7th February 2019, 10:52 AMLike my vicar.
The Pied Piper of Hamlyn, 5000 kids running after one man. That's a priest in reverse.
Maybe he was Rolf Harris in a previous life.