Tell us a joke Page 2

Quote: gappy @ 16th December 2013, 5:33 PM GMT

I used to be married to a woman who made mustard, but one day I got home and found she'd written me a Dijon letter.

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Better if it was; " I used to be ENGAGED to... "

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 16th December 2013, 5:43 PM GMT

My wife was ready to divorce me when our 8 year old son told her that a woman had answered my mobile phone.
She asked him 'what exactly did this woman say'
He said The person you are calling is not available at the moment

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Better as:

My wife was ready to divorce me when our 8 year old son told her that a woman had answered my mobile phone.
SO I asked him 'what exactly did this woman say'
He said "The person you are calling is not available at the moment"

Quote: Tursiops @ 17th December 2013, 5:57 PM GMT

That's rubbish. Ancient Greeks didn't wear trousers...

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When it was cold they wore multiple trousers...or Menelaus.

>_<

I was in an argument over whether a bishops hat resembled arapier or a Biro

Turns out the pen is mightier than the sword

Those pens are doing well on the Nikkei Dow
Biro sell high

*moves on to next stereotypical foreign accent

I recently won the World Hand-Job Championships. Had to beat off some stiff opposition.

I recently won the sexiest male contest. They were really impressed with my envelope

I'm a sexy male
I envelope the ladies and always deliver

The ladies at my local WI have released a calender, but they refuse to release the stop watch until the ransoms been paid

Nice

I said to this heckler, "I don't come around to your work whilst your working and knock the cocks out of your mouth,"
He says
"I wish you would, I bite the heads off live poultry and I'm a vegetarian"

Last week I thought a heckler followed me home shouting "Your shit!" It turns out he was just a kindly plumber returning something to me

What's the opposite of a gay Scientologist?

An oxymoron.

I asked my mother to get me a jumper for Christmas.

She got me a lemming.

The Suicide Hotlines New Moto!

A Jumper is for life, not just for Christmas!