Tell us a joke Page 125

Did you come first?

You should see this incredible gas leak. You can't hold a candle to it, I'm telling you.

I'm playing fantasy football. I have a dragon in goal, four hobbits in midfield, a line of goblins on the defence and Wayne Rooney on the attack.

Rumour is that the switch and the bulb are copulating. Can anyone shed any light on this affair?

I've just remembered how sexy my rear is. That's one hell of a flashback.

Should I buy more beachwear or not? I'm flip-flopping on the idea.

A joke about drowning? I've sunk to new depths.

I've joined a religion that uses no F's. "Get the F out!" they were chanting... at me.

I could never figure out how my dolphin communicated, then one day it just clicked.

I was going to graft the top half of my body onto a horse, but I didn't want to be the centaur of attention.

Quote: AndyGilder @ 18th September 2015, 10:09 PM BST

I could never figure out how my dolphin communicated, then one day it just clicked.

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That one is brilliant.

Quote: Reg N @ 18th September 2015, 8:21 PM BST

Did you come first?

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I don't know what came over me.

A. Did you hear about the Chinese Masturbation contest?

B. Who won?

C. No he came second.

Was he the same person that was on 1st base?

I buy used pornography. Second-hand job.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 19th September 2015, 1:27 PM BST

Was he the same person that was on 1st base?

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I thought that was What?

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 18th September 2015, 7:33 PM BST

Masturbation contest. I won hands down.

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I didn't win, but I can hold my own. And I beat off some stiff opposition.

(Sorry, I've done that second one before, and it was unacceptable then )

A bit near the knuckle.

Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 19th September 2015, 1:27 PM BST

Was he the same person that was on 1st base?

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He never got to 1st base.

That's why he had the skills to win the competition.

We were trying S&M Rafting and all the equipment fell over the side. Now I'm up the creek without a paddle.

I bet I can stop gambling. You doubt me? Tenner says I will.

My daughter Ava is about to marry a Mr Joiner.

And they're going to live in Birmingham.

Did The Sun go for that energy drink you sent them?
Like a rag to a Red Bull.

Quote: Woozie @ 19th September 2015, 10:29 PM BST

I bet I can stop gambling.

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Good joke, but better without the 2nd part.