British Comedy Guide

Tell us a joke Page 110

I've got a British glam rock band from the 1970s fronted by a singer whose alcoholism led to renal failure, liver failure, repeated heart attacks and death.

Sweet!

I got some fat from around a cows kidneys, suet.

Question: Is there a tedious, mind-f**king, overblown band that's managed to bore me shitless for nearly 50 years? The answer is, Yes.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 8th July 2015, 8:53 AM BST

Question: Is there a tedious, mind-f**king, overblown band that's managed to bore me shitless for nearly 50 years? The answer is, Yes.

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Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 8th July 2015, 8:53 AM BST

Question: Is there a tedious, mind-f**king, overblown band that's managed to bore me shitless for nearly 50 years? The answer is, Yes.

Oi! That's not funny!

I'm building a blow job machine that I hope will succeed...

What do you call a guy with a one-millimetre penis shagging? Justin Beaver.

What does a vegan say when he has to smile at the camera?

Trick question: vegans can't smile.

I'm so sick of stringed instruments. Keep harpin' on...

I don't get the recession. It's all Greek to me.

My dad puts his knob in almonds, cashews and pistachios. I think he's f**king nuts.

I was playing tennis against a girl and was winning easily until she lobbed one out.

I put one of those little trampolines where dad's chair used to be - he hit the roof!

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ 11th July 2015, 11:29 PM BST

Writing double-entendre gags is easy - I could knock one out in two minutes.

I have to go for one day without making any childish innuendoes. It's long and hard but I can pull it off.

When it comes to making wanking innuendo, I can hold my own.

One night a month I put on a stripy jumper and hide in different places. I'm a wereWally.

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