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A few recent topical jokes for you.

Earlier today Tom Daley came out as gay on the Internet.

His poor late father will be reverse pike double somersault twisting in his grave.

Derek Acorah allegedly refused to give a breathalyser sample for fear of the police making up a "false reading".

Doesn't like it when the boot's on the other foot, does he?

Once upon a time it was innocent until proven guilty.

Now it's innocent until people realise you were a household name in the 70s.

After his skiing accident, Michael Schumacher is said to be going downhill fast.

That's the spirit, get straight back on that horse.

I don't know what the big deal is about the nun in Italy who has had a baby.

Priests have been having children for years.

I was training to be a catholic priest. I'd almost mastered mass and confession, but I just couldn't get into the kids.

Quote: Nick81 @ 22nd January 2014, 4:47 PM GMT

Earlier today Tom Daley came out as gay on the Internet.

His poor late father will be reverse pike double somersault twisting in his grave.

Not funny or quick enough for the offensiveness of the material.

View original

Quote: Nick81 @ 22nd January 2014, 4:47 PM GMT

Derek Acorah allegedly refused to give a breathalyser sample for fear of the police making up a "false reading".

And he knows all about those

good joke and you avoided the obvious one about spirits, hope you don't mind me showing how it could be a little less clunky

View original

Quote: Nick81 @ 22nd January 2014, 4:47 PM GMT

A few recent topical jokes for you.

After his skiing accident, Michael Schumacher is said to be going downhill fast.

That's the spirit, get straight back on that horse.

I don't know what the big deal is about the nun in Italy who has had a baby.

Priests have been having children for years.

View original

Those both work well.

Though with the skiing one I'd be going for less explaining

something like

Micheal Shumachers is an amazing skier since his accident he's been going down hill fast.

Quote: sootyj @ 22nd January 2014, 4:58 PM GMT

Those both work well.

Though with the skiing one I'd be going for less explaining

something like

Micheal Shumachers is an amazing skier since his accident he's been going down hill fast.

View original

Some interesting feed back, thank you. I don't really "do" topical jokes, so if you want to see any more run of the mill jokes just ask

Oh, an the Tom Daley joke I wrote on the day he came out, these are all just recent jokes.

Again, thanks for your input.

you do them quite well, some very original takes on the news.

I'd just trim them down a bit especially at the punch, but happy to see whatever you post.

I like jokes

try as I might, I can't rearrange the words to make the tom daley one really funny. I'm imagining like Jimmy carr trying to do it:

Tom Daley came out this week,
Grandpa's reverse pike double somersaulting in his grave.

If you say 'late dad' it introduces a huge amount of doubt about whether his dad is dead, whether you want to laugh about a deceased dad, etc. Plus the amount of time it takes to say it you've lost them. Saying grandpa, means you don't need to specify living status or social prejudice.

Agree with sooty though, it would have to be a killer punchline to really make people want to laugh at the boy.

i do realise I just promised not to pick anything apart and then just exactly that, purely constructive criticism though.

Tom Daley should pull out of the olympics
He can't even dive on muff

the other ones are alright, didn't make me lol. Echo what sooty says about cutting them right down to bare bones.

Quote: sootyj @ 22nd January 2014, 5:20 PM GMT

Tom Daley should pull out of the olympics
He can't even dive on muff

View original

The muff diving jokes were done to death, hence why I tried to be original.

As I said, topicals not really my bag. I'll post some short gags in a sec.

Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.

Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.

Remember -

It's better to have loved and lost, than ended up married.

"In 2013, I saw Beyoncé, Rhianna, Britney and Kesha."

"In concert?"

"No, in Netto. I live on a council estate."

I've recently been a stunt man in a couple of films.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Sometimes growing up, my mates would play out without even asking me.

Totally uncalled for.

"Welcome to the improve your patience helpline. You are currently in a queue and are in position 26 -"

"Please hold."

Really I missed them all

Tom Daley has apparently refused to go on holiday to Beijing with his new boyfriend.
He doesn't want to come second to a China man again.

I like the Beyonce and the Benefits Street ones

yeah same. Beyonce and Netto. Both well constructed, good punchlines, good references to mundane everyday shiz.

Channel 4 will be teaming up with Channel 5 to combine Big Brother with Benefits Street
The new show will be called, Friends with Benefits street

In all seriousness, I've given away well over a 1000 jokes.

How would you even begin to sell your work?

Don't understand the question

Quote: sootyj @ 22nd January 2014, 6:34 PM GMT

Don't understand the question

View original

Selling your jokes. Where do you even begin?