The Mates - sitcom pilot

Here is the beginning of a crazy idea I had for a sitcom. I am really sorry about the language mistakes... Critics are welcome, this is how we learn after all, so thank you in advance! Hope you will enjoy all the same

INT - A HOUSE CORRIDOR

In a very dark corridor, a door opens and someone comes in with a big bag. It's Eliane, around thirty. She drops the bag on the floor, shuts the door but missed to fall as she turns around, gripping the furniture as,

ELIANE
(muttering to the bag with a light French accent)
Get off! Ow ow ow!!! (louder) Evan?! You here?

Then someone appears in the dark, it's Evangeline, a posh woman in her fifty

EVANGELINE
It would be better if you'd switched on the light.

ELIANE
(annoyed)
Oh yeah?! Then why hadn't you?

EVANGELINE
It's less funny otherwise.

Evangeline switches on the light. She's looking coldly at Eliane who's wearing black heels, a pair of jeans, a pink top and a mustache

EVANGELINE
You're late Eliane.

Eliane is looking at her coldly too,

ELIANE
(sighing)
But I'm home at last!...

EVANGELINE
Your dinner's cold.

ELIANE
As much as you?!...
Oh come on come here, I've had a hell of a day!

Evangeline laughs lightly and Eliane kiss her on the cheek as they hug quickly. Evangeline looks at Eliane as,

EVANGELINE
That mustache doesn't fit very well with your clothes, you know?

ELIANE
Huh?!

She goes to a mirror on the wall and look at her horrified, then she removes the mustache.

ELIANE
Oooww!!! Damn, that's why it took me hours to come back home, not a single cab did stop for me!

And they go in another room

INT - LIVING ROOM

EVANGELINE
I wouldn't stop either.

She stays next to the big American bar with a very straight face and posture, while Eliane is taking care of her dinner. Then she looks at Evangeline,

ELIANE
You don't need to be so straight-laced Evan, nobody's coming tonight.

And then Evangeline loosens her posture and goes to sit on the sofa as,

EVANGELINE
(sighing)
Oh thank God! I thought there wasn't drag show tonight, was there?

Eliane comes to sit with her, eating a snack,

ELIANE
Not on my working days usually, but it's Friday and Jamie and I were booked to do a bachelor, bachelorette party. One of the newly weds-to-be had a thing for Freddie Mercury in a skirt, hence the mustache; and Jamie did Marilyn Monroe for the other half.

EVANGELINE
(worried)
You did not perform a strip-tease, did you?!

ELIANE
Oh no you know me! Even if the bride was kinky hot!...
But Jamie did. For the groom-to-be!

Evangeline gasps, and they laugh

ELIANE
What about you? How was your seminar thing?

EVANGELINE
Oh you know, management, same old same old... I don't know why I do it every time, they always say the same things: "say no, let them pray you, and give them work. Say no again, let them cry, and say that you might think about their request, while you're giving them more work. Then they're at your feet, say yes, don't smile and never say 'you're welcome'". But a pat on the shoulder is allowed.

ELIANE
Sounds like dog training.

EVANGELINE
Well, close... And that's how I'm a respected editor in chief.

ELIANE
(falsely shocked)
How's that?! You gave your staff dog nicknames and you didn't tell me?!

EVANGELINE
(laughing)
Oh El! Absolutely not, it would be unwisely! I'm talking about the training. And I have my touch of respect, but they didn't talk too much about that. Besides one of the lecturers, instead of saying 'respect', said 'reject'.

ELIANE
(laughing)
It happens when you're not used to say a word. Fancy a drink?

EVANGELINE
Oh yes, please.

Eliane goes back in the kitchen as,

ELIANE
And you don't need to be so bitchy to manage your team, do you? I mean, no offence but it's just a TV magazine

EVANGELINE
Oh no, I don't need to overdo it, they're already enough afraid of me!

Eliane is coming back to the sofa laughing, but stops suddenly

ELIANE
Wait a minute! Where is he?!

EVANGELINE
Who?

ELIANE
The man! There's always a man after your big meeting or whatever. You did a seminar, packed with men, and you're at home, alone?! Are you okay?...

She sits giving a glass to Evangeline.

EVANGELINE
Of course I am. I'm just doing... the fast.

Eliane gives her a very questioning look.

EVANGELINE
No meat on Friday during Lent.

ELIANE
(laughing)
Naughty liar girl! Bad hunting?

EVANGELINE
Oh don't tell me! They were so boring it took away my appetite!

ELIANE
Poor you! But, hey! I'm not better, I came home alone too.

EVANGELINE
Yes that's right! How is that?!

ELIANE
The girls were so drunk that one of them would have thrown up on me at some point.

EVANGELINE
(disgusted)
Oh. I would have do without the visual.

ELIANE
Sorry. Anyway, obviously there wasn't Mrs Right for me tonight...

EVANGELINE
How can you be so sure?

ELIANE
Oh easy! They were sweet and pretty but not geniuses, you know. And when I whisper to a woman's ear, if I hear the echo of my voice... not a good sign!

EVANGELINE
(laughing)
Empty jars?

ELIANE
Sexy jars, full of void!... (annoyed) It's a con trick!

EVANGELINE
Poor women, I hope you behaved properly!...

ELIANE
Yeah, I did my best but it was hard! I almost lost it when they were all laughing like clumsy clot! (silly laugh) I resisted so well they even invite us to the wedding.

EVANGELINE
That's nice! Are you going to go?

ELIANE
I'm tempted because they're a sweet odd couple, and I'm wondering who's gonna wear the dress, but no. Jamie and I need to practice tomorrow's show.

EVANGELINE
Okay. At the Tinker Bell or here?

ELIANE
Here, if that's okay with you...

EVANGELINE
I won't be at home most of the time, my sister and I are going shopping so I don't mind. You know, even if I have some reluctance to Jamie, you're great on stage when you are together.

ELIANE
Some?!

EVANGELINE
(groaning)
He gets on my nerves and he likes it! He plays with it, that's not my fault!

ELIANE
Will you 'behave properly' tomorrow when he'll come?

EVANGELINE
(whining)
Yes but if he-

ELIANE
Tut tut tut! I told him the same thing, no cat fight contest, no arms fight at all, because you know how he can be when he breaks a nail.

EVANGELINE
I know... So, what are you doing for the show?

ELIANE
Micheal Jackson, The way you make me feel.

EVANGELINE
I meant for your duo

ELIANE
I know, that's what we're gonna do. He's doing the girl on the clip, Tatiana something...

EVANGELINE
Oh alright. Well, It's going to be a long day, so off to bed!

She stands up and begins to walk out but turns around suddenly as,

EVANGELINE
I almost forgot! Your mother called. I managed to understand, in French please, that she wants you to call her back as soon as you can.

ELIANE
Well done! Anything else?

EVANGELINE
(with a French accent)
'Check the date'
Seriously El, I'm worried about her... She doesn't suffer from Alzheimer or something, does she?

ELIANE
(worried)
What?! No! Why?! What did she say?!

EVANGELINE
I didn't understand everything as usual, because she was too fast and she was sounding oddly excited. But I am quite sure she was talking about Normandy and she kept saying "débarquement, débarquement!" as if I hadn't understood what she was meaning. But darling, the celebration for the Normandy Landings is in June and we're in April...

ELIANE
(laughing)
God you scared me there! She is in Normandy with my aunt actually, and she wants me to check the boarding date for her flight. She was saying 'la date d'embarquement', embarquement means boarding.

EVANGELINE
Oh... Oh! Now that's embarrassing... Is she coming here? When?!

ELIANE
In three weeks. Why? What did you say?

EVANGELINE
(embarrassed)
Oh God! I thought... I played along with her, so I said.... the General de Gaulle sends his regards.

Eliane bursts out laughing on the sofa, then Evangeline takes a cushion to hit her as,

EVANGELINE
That's not funny! Stop it!

ELIANE
Oh yes it is!!!

EVANGELINE
(offended)
Goodnight!

She goes away as,

ELIANE
Oh come on Evan! It's just a misunderstanding.

Evangeline comes back in the door frame as,

EVANGELINE
Quite a big one, don't you think?! Because now she's thinking her daughter has an old and completely insane house mate! Or worst! Senile dementia!...

ELIANE
Oh come on you're not that ol-

She stops when she see the threatening look of Evangeline

ELIANE
You're way too young to be senile babe! Next time speak as fast as you can, that'll teach her! I'll call her in the morning and I'll fix that, don't worry.

EVANGELINE
I should be...

ELIANE
Oh no, it's just my mother.

EVANGELINE
Exactly! Now I'm afraid to be alone in my room without any 'meat' as you say, because you, French people, makes me insane!

Eliane opens her arms with a smile as,

ELIANE
Hey Evan, there's always fish!

EVANGELINE
(straight face)
Goodnight El.

And she goes out.

INT - CORRIDOR

The door bell rings and Evangeline comes to open the door. On the door step it's Jamie, handsome but not a very tall man, Indian type, in his 30's

JAMIE
Evangeline

EVANGELINE
James

JAMIE
(awkward)
So... How are you today?

He's fidgeting, her hands behind his back holding a sport bag, as Evangeline stares at him with confusion,

JAMIE
(sighing)
I promised El to be nice...

Then Evangeline moves away to let him come in as,

EVANGELINE
Please don't tell me you bought me flowers

JAMIE
Don't push it!

EVANGELINE
Don't tempt me!

ELIANE
(from afar in a warning way)
Evaaaaan...

Evangeline makes a childish face when she hears Eliane

INT - LIVING ROOM

Eliane is sitting at the bar, reading some newspapers as Jamie comes in, followed by Evangeline

JAMIE
Hi girlfriend!

He gives her a peck on the lips as

EVANGELINE
(to Jamie)
Much sweeter, isn't it?

Jamie looks at her suspiciously,

EVANGELINE
I told El to shave last night

ELIANE
(to Evangeline)
Steady...

JAMIE
(to Eliane)
That's it! She really thinks you're a man now!

ELIANE
Oh no, but the cab drivers had such a big doubt last night that none of them took me. Because you forgot to tell me I'd got yet the mustache when I left the party.

Jamie and Evangeline have a muffled giggle

JAMIE
I'm so sorry El... How did you manage to get back home?

ELIANE
At some point I found two wonderful things to take me home, you know, one after the other, despite the tiredness.

JAMIE
Ooooh I bet they were hot!

Eliane makes an annoyed face, then Evangeline goes toward the living room corner but stop next to Jamie with a cocky smile as,

EVANGELINE
Fetishist...

And she goes to the sofa and takes a magazine. Jamie's looking at her unsympathetic as

ELIANE
I'm talking about my feet Jamie

Then Jamie has an apologetic face for Eliane as,

ELIANE
Anyway... How did the party end?

JAMIE
I left the party not long after you. They were very happy about our shows, they thanked me a lot when I left.

ELIANE
I hope the future groom didn't thank you too much!

JAMIE
He was so sweet... But I'm proud of myself, I held on!

EVANGELINE
(reading)
To the groom?

Eliane is laughing while Jamie is making an angry cat noise looking at Evangeline,

ELIANE
Evan!... That was a good one!

JAMIE
Hey!

ELIANE
Sorry Jamie... But she's getting better with light jokes!

JAMIE
(annoyed)
Wonderful. And I'm getting better with good spirit.

He goes to the sofa and sits on the coffee table in front of Evangeline who's reading a magazine.

JAMIE
I've already told you that you make me think of Meryl sometimes. But have you ever thought it was unfair that she is the good one?

Evangeline is now looking at him strangely,

EVANGELINE
Did you take drugs with your breakfast?

JAMIE
No, I'm serious Evan (taking her hand). It... It has to be hard to be Devil Streep!

Then she removes her hand abruptly and stands up to leave the room as,

ELIANE
You both have the behaviour of teenagers and I'm the younger one!

EVANGELINE
(pointing at Jamie)
I have inspiration here. Or regression...

And she leaves the room.

No, Elian's a French name

Now it's misspelling
"Eliane", sorry

The idea of someone waiting in the dark without turning the light on is funny.

The rest isn't. Mannered and stacato dialogue, with no jokes and seemingly no direction.

Thank you sootyj for your opinion. I noted mannered and staccato

Quote: Tim Azure @ 15th December 2013, 1:41 PM GMT

Is Eliane a new way of spelling Elaine or have you made a number of misspellings...?

View original

Come on, Tim, slap some Eliane Radigue on your turntable!

I think writing comedy in another language is supremely difficult, if not impossible.

Not only do you have to master the language itself (as you do very well) but you have to understand the nuances of the culture and the humour.

Do you write comedy in French?

Thank you very much Jenny for your comment
Strangely enough, I write comedy in English, I only write songs in French. Your are right indeed about understanding culture and humour, what I'm trying to do is a mix about these things. Because I was raised in that spirit, mixing and sharing. That's why I'm here

Cat, you have clearly worked very hard to create this, and while it is clear that you have a very complete understanding of the characters, we - the readers - can only try to figure out the character's world and its context by following a cryptic conversation between the two main characters. The fact that you are not writing in your native language makes it even harder to understand the world, and I suspect that the humour is not translating very well.... when I read the dialogue, I get a vague sense that at least 2 and possibly 3 of these characters are gay, but even that is not clear.

Perhaps you need to introduce us to the world of these characters by placing them in a workplace, and having them interact with other characters in their lives... we can then get a better understanding of what they do for work, and a sense of their world. Try to "show" us more and "tell" us less.

Keep going...

I'd echo the opinion that writing anything, but especially comedy, in a second langauge is an achievement. So well done for that. But it didn't flow for me. I felt it was over written. For example do we need to know she loosens her posture or has a snack? Isn't those details the job of the director? I'm not too sure, does any one know?

Thank you so much for your opinions and advices Blobster and blablah, it's a relief to have an objective look on my draft, at last! I am rewriting again, but with good tips this time, thank you again

Quote: blahblah @ 16th December 2013, 1:40 PM GMT

I'd echo the opinion that writing anything, but especially comedy, in a second langauge is an achievement. So well done for that. But it didn't flow for me. I felt it was over written. For example do we need to know she loosens her posture or has a snack? Isn't those details the job of the director? I'm not too sure, does any one know?

View original

My understanding is 'having a snack' is the job of the writer (as it's business), loosening the posture is the job of the actor. It should be written in such a way that the actor understands the mood has changed and acts accordingly, rather than actually telling them what to do with their posture.

But BlahBlah is right, directors and actors don't like being told what to do, so make sure you only give us dialogue and business (i.e. stage directions).

I agree with everyone else here as well - bravo for writing in a second language, but this doesn't flow so well in English.

One of the things that has slipped by due to the change in language is contractions - write how we speak. So we're unlikely to say 'Did you not switch off the light?' (for example), because we'd say 'Didn't you switch off the light?' It'll flow a little easier if you get these contractions in and write this like spoken language.

I was also a little confused by the characters and what was going on and it felt like there was a lot of exposition here - you're telling us what's happening through the dialogue rather than showing us. Find ways to show us the story instead.

Have you not considered writing comedy in French? Is there any reason for choosing English? You speak English very well, but it will be hard for you to find the right comedy nuance in a second language, particularly if you don't live in England/around English people so you can hear the way they speak.

Thank you sglen, your comment is precious as well as the others! I'm working on critics and advices given here.
To answer your questions, I just love English, I always loved it. Finding the right comedy nuance is difficult, I totally agree with you here, but I hope it won't last because I will be in England at the end of next year if everything's alright.

The best thing for you to do is put your writing in a drawer for three months and then reread it. Only you know what makes you laugh, others can't help you with that.

Good luck.