Ho-oh Hostess Club (Sitcom Pilot) Page 2

Right, I added a bit on the front so it now starts with Alex and some hostesses seeing off customers outside the hostess bar, then there's a quick bit of Alex writing the essay when he gets home, which is an idea kind'v borne of the feedback from here, so I did listen a little bit. Kinda. The cold open is no longer the sitcom trope of two guys sitting in a bar talking, at least.

I'll have a look at that e-book too, thanks.

Jennie, yeah, I know the writer's room is a "one chance per idea" type deal, but I meant I could try again with the production companies that accept unsolicited. Next window for the BBC I'll hope to be submitting something else.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and respond! Out of five random people, one guy liked it and the premise got some love. If I can extrapolate that to the entire television watching public, and throw in the people who come for the maids, those are some pretty good viewing figures.

It don't read natural and that's going to kill it stone dead, if you stick a garlfield and a cow catcher on the front.

Now what I'm going to suggest is read a page of your dialogue, then a page of your responses.

And compare them.

I'm hoping you're going to see that; your dialogue is rigid, mannered, stacato.
It doesn't read like how people speak, or even a satirising of it.

Kinda you say. I'm out. Good luck with it all.