Two sketches for the price of one, though considering they're both free that essentially just means two sketches, I've wasted your time.
Bankum
BANKER
Come in, come in Mr Johnsen.
MR JOHNSEN
Thankyou, thankyou.
BANKER
So, what can I do for you?
MR JOHNSEN
Well I'd like a loan if that's at all possible.
BANKER
Well of course.
MR JOHNSEN
Of course?
BANKER
Yes, yes, I mean we are a bank, we're rolling in money. We have money bursting from our bulging vaults.
MR JOHNSEN
Right, right.
BANKER
Any particular amount?
MR JOHNSEN
Well I'm actually starting my own business so about....£25,000?
BANKER
Certainly! Wouldn't you like any more?
MR JOHNSEN
Excuse me, sorry, sorry, I'm overjoyed of course but why the sudden change of attitude?
BANKER
Change of attitude?
MR JOHNSEN
I distinctly remember being being treated with some hostility...of a profoundly physical nature....yesterday.
BANKER
There were indeed bad vibes then sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Yes, well...what, pardon?
BANKER
The vibes were bad that particular evening sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Right, right, but now you say you're prepared to lend me twenty-five thousand pounds?
BANKER
More than prepared sir, quite ecstatic to.
MR JOHNSEN
Is it a good financial period or...?
BANKER
Not really sir more...more good karma.
MR JOHNSEN
Oh......
BANKER
You see I'm picking up distinctly good vibes from you sir...in fact *taps calculator then shows it to MR JOHNSEN* your vibes are well above average sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Well I'm umm, I'm glad but are you really prepared to judge it on umm...*holds up hand* vibes alone?
BANKER
*Siezes hand* Well sir you seem to be the trustworthy nature....and financially astute as well.
MR JOHNSEN
What the hell are you doing? I want to speak to someone else.
BANKER
A complaint sir?
MR JOHNSEN
Yes, I have got a bloody complaint.
BANKER
I'll put you in touch with a higher power then sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Good, good.
*BANKER brings out orb*
BANKER
If you'd like to put your hands on this then you'll be in touch with a higher power in no time sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Okay, I'm leaving.
BANKER
Oh but sir, what about your £25,000?
MR JOHNSEN
Oh..yes....right...so when could I get this sum?
BANKER
Well not from us sir, you see we don't deal with money and commercialism and the ways of the world. We have in fact transferred the banks money to other investors.
MR JOHNSEN
You...transferred...to....what bloody investors?
BANKER
A rather nice Saudi Arabian oil firm sir.
MR JOHNSEN
YOU WHAT?
BANKER
Oh don't worry sir, they're very trusted, they come highly recommended.
MR JOHNSEN
They do do they?
BANKER
They have the praise of very trusted sources sir.
MR JOHNSEN
Really? What sources?
BANKER
The stars sir.
LIGHTS OUT
Jon Hallam Talks...Satirism
Jon Hallam
Welcome friends. My name is Jon Hallam and today I'm interviewing the acclaimed satirical comedian Phillip Knox. Phillip, hello.
Phillip Knox
Hello.
Jon Hallam
Now Phillip, your new panel series starts this monday. Would you like to tell us a little about it?
Phillip Knox
Well, it's a new programme, we've been away in Barbados writing it and it's going to be really vicious I promise you, real cutting satire, really biting into the establishment you know.
Jon Hallam
What are the targets this week?
Phillip Knox
Well this week we'll be looking at the newly suggested tax cuts for high earners. We'll really be savaging that.
Jon Hallam
But Phillip, we hear that you are in that bracket of high earners.
Phillip Knox
Well..well of course Jon, that's how I know how little the cuts are needed.
Jon Hallam
Well what other topics will you be covering?
Phillip Knox
Well, we'll be looking at the lifestyles of politicians, the wasting of tax money on holidays and so forth. We'll really ram into that.
Jon Hallam
But Phillip, you said that you were on holiday in Barbados to write this. The programme is on the BBC so it must have been paid through tax pounds. As a satirist don't you feel that this compromises your integrity somewhat?
Phillip Knox
Well...well of course not Jon..I paid for it through advertising.
Jon Hallam
Phillip Knox, thankyou.
Phillip Knox
Thankyou.
Phillip pulls a clearly labelled soft drink from his pocket, opens it and drinks.
Phillip Knox
Mmmm, lovely.
LIGHTS OUT