Lighting

The BBC has put this up, whcih I saw being recorded: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p01mjd1g . It pretty much sounds the death-knell for this sketch, I wrote about 6 months ago, so I thought I'd throw it to the crit-wolves.

ASLAN: Is the deed done?

CONTRACTOR: Yes, your majesty.

A: It is meet. You have performed well, and have our royal blessing.

C: I am honoured, sire. [Beat] There is also, of course, the small matter of the bill.

A: Indeed! Fear not, we do not think our patronage alone is sufficient remuneration for our contractors! Pass me the invoice, metalwright, with all haste.

C: Very good, your majesty.

A: [Pause] I fear you have made an error in the total, craftsman.

C: Umm...no, that looks correct.

A: But this price is astronomical. I only asked you to install a single lamp post!

C: Yes, sire. That, in essence, is the root of the issue. If you'd be good enough to look at the breakdown, sire. "Design and construct wrought iron beacon, 5 gold pieces; transport and erect beacon in northern wastes, 2 gold pieces; install gas supply pipes across entire length of Narnia, 12,472 gold pieces, nine silver nuggets, and 3 and a half tin slivers." We generally get asked to make lamp posts for towns, you see, not random scraps of forestry.

A: But this is outrageous! Could you not have contacted me for authorisation once you realised that this project would come in over-budget?

C: Well, we sort of tried. But we were in the northern wastes, it's quite a long way away. And we didn't want to split up, because there were a lot of wolves. You'll notice, sire, that the final item on the invoice covers compensation for employees eaten by wolves. It's under the sub-heading, Wolves.

A: I am not happy with this at all.

C: I am sorry, but it's all per the original contract. If you will go about putting illumination devices in far flung, uninhabited areas, the costs will increase somewhat.

A: The northern wastes are not uninhabited! There are a few fauns there, I'm sure.

C: No, the northern wastes are not entirely uninhabited, but I think the "wastes" part sheds some light on the geography. There's basically nobody there. Oh, scrub that, we did meet a beaver.

A: Ah yes, I came across him when I carried out the initial survey. What was his name again?

C: Mr Beaver. Quite a coincidence, really. Anyway, I'm sure Mr Beaver and his descendants will get great benefit from the lamp post. I also took the liberty of augmenting the device with some clunky Christian symbolism, whilst I was there. Gratis, sire, of course. Now, perhaps we may discuss a payment plan.

A: Ah, yes. Very good. Well...erm, I have to nip off for a...bit. I'm sure I'll be back in a bit, but just for now, I'll leave you in the care of my deputy. Oh, here she comes. Bye.

C: Ah, good afternoon, madam. I am Scribbins, your humble servant, and you are?

JADIS: The White Witch!

C: May I draw your attention to this invoice?

J: No you may not! I shall rule this kingdom with a grip of ice, vassal, and you are to be my first victim. Wolves, attack!!

C: Oh, not again.

Theres not enough LWW skits these days and this has a great daft idea at its heart, a very funny idea. Its also one of those skits where the punch is in the middle but works

Thats the good.

Now the bad, its flabby you hit the funny but then repeat yourself. The idea that it would be bloody difficult to put a gas lamp in a fantasy wilderness is a goody, but you hammer it home

Also the character of the lamp builder is vague and the Aslan isnt very Aslan

the white witch punch is also a bit of a cop out.

Agree with Sooty, it's a little overwritten and that slows the joke down, but the core concept is really good.

Perhaps don't go into the 'why didn't you contact us when it was overbudget?' ideas, because this is where it starts to fall.

Maybe cut the last sentence from the breakdown of prices (which is really good by the way), and have Aslan ask if this is what everyone else pays...."well we mostly erect lamposts in towns, sire...you're a little off the grid...the clue is in "wastes"' or whatever.

I would just stick to the idea that they're in the middle of nowhere and draw it out in snappier dialogue between the two of them.

As for a punchline, I'm not sure about the white witch either, can I posit a powercut? Have you paid your utilities bill, sire?

.Maybe a remasrk about how much they charge sauron for that blazing eye

Excellent idea, and I thought the execution was very good right up to, but not including the punchline. The callback on the wolves does not work; I would maybe end on Aslan offering to recommend him to his friends.

"A lady of my acquaintance has a rather impressive collection of garden statuary. I am sure you could enhance her display."

"Like by installing spotlights?"

"Yes, something like that."

That can probably be done more smoothly, but you get the idea.

Thanks for the input, everyone, really good stuff.

I agree with you all that it sort of slows down or loses focus 2/3 of the way through. I was really happy with the invoice stuff, but didn't know what to do afterwards, excepting that it seemed too soon to jump to the final line.

I actually don't mind the witch as a conclusion, I think that it's kind of funny to posit that the whole of her rein was just ebcause Aslan wanted ot dodge a clumsy policy decision. I like Tursiop's alternate ending, though. And I'm also a big fan of Sooty's Sauron reference, so that could definitely find a place in there.

I wil amost certainly leave this one to rot for a while though, as I fear anything that involved Narnia, small businesses and jookes about the lamp-post woudl be seen as too similar to the M&W skecth above.

Plus, of course, the poat is ecxplained elsewhere in the Narnia mythos, isn't it? But that's OK, nobody's read any of it bar LWW, have they?

Anyway, useful stuff, you lot : )

Good response to critique, I think you do miss a trick that Aslan isn't very Aslan.

I can go with him being sort of Aslan then, being a bit of a geezer when some toe rags trying to mug him off.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/7750#P184508

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/9400#P270249

my efforts on the same material

Quote: gappy @ 4th December 2013, 1:11 PM GMT

I actually don't mind the witch as a conclusion, I think that it's kind of funny to posit that the whole of her rein was just ebcause Aslan wanted ot dodge a clumsy policy decision.

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Ah you see there's where I had problem; that does not actually come across, and (geeky point) doesn't the snowy wilderness only exist in the first place because of the White Witch's reign of endless winter?

Quote: Tursiops @ 4th December 2013, 2:03 PM GMT

Ah you see there's where I had problem; that does not actually come across, and (geeky point) doesn't the snowy wilderness only exist in the first place because of the White Witch's reign of endless winter?

View original

Maybe. I dunno, it's been many many years since I read these books. But if it comes to that, the lampost's existence is explained by Lewis as well, so textual fiedlity will only get us so far. Still, you may well be right, that the queen ending isn't a very good idea, it's a bit of a pat solution, I'll grant you.

Sooty, I think if I take you advice and he starts out with a typical Aslan voice, he has to get angry half way through, and start changing his tone, otherwise it'll all be "oh, never midn, I foprgive you, I'll pay the bill. I could die in your stead if you fancy, too, give me the nod" - we need a bit of conflict going on.

I thik if this sketch is ever to find an ending I think I'd have to bring in other fantasy fiction building./maintenance jobs he's done. Sooty's Sauron idea is a brilliant start. Hmmm....

I do not know about the lamppost, as you said no-one reads past The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but the endless winter being the result of the Witch is a key plot point that most people are going to remember. So the audience are going to assume that the Witch is already at large, and are not therefore going to get the inference that Witch's reign is the result of this incident - at least I didn't.

My suggestion was probably a bit shit, but I would still be inclined to keep looking for an ending within the Narnia canon, rather than stepping outside.