Benno - a sitcom

There was a rumour going round that this was a critique board . So here are the first couple of scenes from my first ever sitcom. It's about a lower league footballer in his late twenties coming towards the end of his career. I appreciate it is a fairly big chunk to get through, so appreciate comments on what you can be arsed to read.

Cheryl and Daniel, both late 20's, sit opposite each other on their breakfast bar in the kitchen. Daniel, tall, slim, wearing a tracksuit, is eating some toast. Cheryl, Blond and attractive is wearing her dressing gown and drinking coffee.

DANIEL
I can't just sack him Cheryl. He's been my best friend since we were at primary school.

CHERYL
You don't NEED to sack him. He doesn't DO anything. Just get a Proper Agent.

DANIEL
He is a proper agent.. sort of.

CHERYL
He's a knob Daniel! You're his only proper client.

DANIEL
That's not quite true.

CHERYL
A drunk man with a flea circus and woman who claims she can she can eat a bicycle are hardly the clients of a serious sports agent.

DANIEL
Frog circus.

CHERYL
Sorry?

DANIEL
A Frog circus..not a flea circus.

CHERYL
Right, because a frog circus is so much better.

DANIEL
There speaks a woman who's never seen a frog on a trapeze before?
Daniel starts to recreate a frog on a trapeze using his fingers and the crust of his toast. He catches Cheryl staring angrily at him at which point he tries to switch seamlessly back to eating the toast.

DANIEL
Actually he has got another player. A young Nigerian lad. He's pretty good actually.

CHERYL
Oh yeah, who does he play for?

Daniel goes to sip his tea.

DANIEL(under his breath)
...The Butchers?

CHERYL
The butchers?.. The JOLLY Butchers? ..The pub On Swinbrook street? You talking about the guy that works there?

DANIEL
Yeah, Ken got him the job as part of the deal..think he lives in too.

CHERYL
So he's a barman then! and that's your idea of a good deal is it?...Oh Icarus, fly not too close to the sun, lest your waxy wings should melt.

DANIEL
What are you on about?...Look, he's not completely useless. What about the year loan deal he got me at spurs.

CHERYL
That was 10 years ago... and you never even got in the squad... we still don't know how he managed that either?

DANIEL
Well, like Ken says, It's not what you know or who you know..it's what you know about who you know.

CHERYL 
The man's an idiot.

DANIEL
He's picking me up in to take me to training in a minute. I'll have a word with him on the way and make sure he understands that he needs to pull his socks up.

CHERYL
I couldn't give a shit what he does with his socks. You're 29 now and running out of time to make any decent money from football. What of our plans then?

DANIEL
..What Plans?

CHERYL
To open a vintage tea rooms in the country. Me baking the cakes and you playing some old rag time piano in the corner.

Daniel looks at her with a very strange look on his face as if he has no idea what she's talking about.

DANIEL
I can't play the piano, and you can't bake.

CHERYL (Snaps)
How dare you!... I can bake! You can't watch as much great british bake off as me and not pick up a few things..

CHERYL
Everyone watches that cheryl..and not everyone can bake.

CHERYL
I'm not EVERYONE...I've watched it from the beginning Daniel! The very first series! Every episode.
There is a beep of a car horn outside.

DANIEL
Riiight.. that'll be ken. I've got to go. You seen my kit ?

CHERYL
Probably in the spare room where you left it.

DANIEL
Don't suppose it's been washed?
Cheryl looks amazed he's even asking and shakes her head.

CHERYL
I'm not your slave.. I am very busy you know.

Daniel rushes out of view into the spare room and returns holding a sports bag.

DANIEL
Oh yeah, nearly forgot. I'm donating one of my signed shirts to a local Charity auction at the Lyndhurst Hotel tonight. There should be a woman coming round this morning to pick it up... You at college later?

CHERYL
Yep. But not til 1.

DANIEL
Ok, cool. Well its hanging up in the spare room.

Daniel gives her a peck on the cheek as he heads out the door.

DANIEL
See you later..

CHERYL
Every series... .

SCENE 2. INT CAR DAY

Daniel approaches a battered Volvo estate, opens the door and gets in. James Brown " Sex Machine" is on the stereo. Kenneth, early 30s, hairy and overweight is oblivious as he gyrates to the music.

KENNETH
(Singing) Get up, Get on up.. Stay on the scene..uh! like a mutherf**kin' sex machine, uh ! 
Kenneth doesn't acknowledge Daniel and continues his increasingly erratic moves. Daniel stares in wonderment for a while before switching the stereo off abruptly. 

KENNETH
What are you doing? I was getting my funk on. Never interrupt a man who's getting his funk on.

DANIEL
Oh, that's what that was.
Daniel gets turns around to observe a huge pile of rubbish on the back seat.  

DANIEL
The only thing Funky around here is the smell in this car. Look at the state of it? 

KENNETH
Alright Aggie...or Kim. Don't be judgin' me. If you don't like the ride, step outside yeah.  Isn't it about time you learned to drive anyway. 

DANIEL
You know I can't.

KENNETH
"Because you can't physically drive."?

DANIEL
Correct.

KENNETH
Doesn't make any sense.

DANIEL
Look, lets just get going. The last thing I need is a bollocking from the Gaffa for being late.
Kenneth starts the engine and begins to drive.

DANIEL
So what have you been up to to put you in such a good mood?  Or do I not want to know? 

KENNETH
Ya Know, just... taking care of business. 

DANIEL
What business? You haven't got any business.

KENNETH
I've got plenty of business thank you. I have my fingers in many pies Daniel. Pies that you know nothing about.

DANIEL
And when you say pies, you mean?.. 

KENNETH
Pies Daniel! PIES! When I say pies I Mean pies !

DANIEL
..... yeah, but what do you REALLY Mean ?

KENNETH
Ok, I mean Wives! ...But oh Man, you should see this latest broad that I'm seeing... She's hotter than a.... bowl of soup.... REALLY hot soup. 

Daniel shakes his head and looks out the window as they continue to drive. 

To be honest Matty it's just banter. SOme nice lines in there but not enough opportunities to laugh. You need to get some story in there. Sorry to be negative.

It's very good banter mind. Funny, nicely constructed images and ideas etc. But that's all there is, save e'm and sprinkle them through out your next more plotted script.

Pleasant reading. The notion of a crap agent with only one real client is immediately reminiscent of Darren Lamb.

Admittedly there are no huge laughs in it. But it sets the characters up well, the only one I didn't feel I knew much about was Cheryl although I get the idea that she was trying to further her education through college so as not to be a typical wag?

I was picturing Nick Frost or Jonny Vegas as the agent haha. Although I must say the whole idea of a 'dodgy' agent is one that may have been used a bit too much, but never the less there's certainly a gap in the market for a sitcom about this subject matter - or at least I feel there is.

I wouldn't worry too much about not having anything downright hilarious. It's very hard to write TV comedy. For a start you don't even know what sort of actors would be in this if it was made, so you can't write for their strengths. Also a lot of things that may look funny on paper don't end up being that great on camera, and vice-versa. So, I think when drafting something like this keep going how you're going - but map out at least 3 'big laughs' in your head per episode, so once you've got the big laughs in you can then go back and add a bit of wit, sparkle and laughter to the banter.

Good work so far.

Thanks fellas

Now, am slightly embarrassed as my main critique of everyone else's sitcoms is usually. "Where's the plot?"
There is actually the seeds of a couple of plot lines in there, but it's no good if it's only me that knows it. This is why critique is useful. Back t'drawing board.
Thanks

It's buried, sorry.

But your imagery and turn of phrase is great, the frog/flea circus was very nice.

Yeah, I was aware of the dodgy agent and the Similarity to extras thing, but it hoped that Kenneth was such a different character(apart from being shit) that it wouldn't matter too much. He is first and foremost his best mate... So maybe I just don't make him his agent... I was hoping only people that had never seen any other sitcoms would read this.
And cheers Ashley. These aren't perhaps the funniest scenes but that is a worry in itself as a potential reader may not bother with the rest of it.

Also three big laughs A PAGE or a minute is a better way to think about it.

Niice. I'm guessing the plot is the woman coming to collect the shirt (the wrong one?) - so maybe have that occur a bit earlier.

Are they really best mates from primary school? There's a bit of an age difference there, no?

Chery, 'blond and attractive' is a bit...cliched(?) so far, I hope she might prove a bit more interesting.

However, I liked the tone, the style and the subject matter has an appeal. I would like to see what happens next.

Cheers ted. Yeah cheryl is smarter than Daniel and ambitious (for them both) doesn't like to be bad at stuff. I was conscious of not making her a typical wag ( I need to make this more apparent). K & D are similar age, just one,is in better shape. Don't have to be mates since primary school. Maybe that is a bit restrictive.
Spot on about the shirt... Of course that has HILARIOUS consequences.
The fact that you would like to see what happens next is encouraging as that of course is the intention. But I am now seeing this through the eyes of others and realise I do need to cut out a lot of the fat and drive the story on quicker. Seriously thinking about ditching the agent angle too.....bloody gervais !

There have been other agent sitcoms too Chris Barrie was a sports agent in one if I recall correctly? Prince among Men... I think.

Hi Matty,

As the others said, well done nice dialogue, but I'm guessing nice isn't what you are aiming for. It needs a couple of stronger gags to keep us interested. Also at the moment the two main characters are a little 'clichéd' (sorry to use that term).

As to his friend - instead of unbelievable agent, what about making him his potential partner in a 'post football career' business? Kenneth can be an unreliable chancer and Daniel can be blind to his faults. Much to Cheryl's annoyance they can get into all sorts of scrapes trying out Kenneth's sure fire can't loose schemes.

I've gone too far here haven't I?

BTW I picked up on the fact the shirt might be important...

Thanks playfull. Ideas always welcome . I had ideas for other episodes that focused on Daniel's post football career so your idea could not be too far off the mark.

So I am thinking that if I just introduce ken as his friend but , for this episode, tries to be his agent , because his real agent has say, died. Do you reckon that would be enough to sidestep the Agent - Client issue? .....Don't go telling me there are other sitcoms with Friends in !!!!

Don't see why that wouldn't work, his old agent could have been ancient & crap but Daniel was always loyal to him (room for conflict as Cheryl thinks he could have had a better career with a better agent?). Ken has jumped in with all sorts of 'brilliant' sponsorship deals in mind, and keeps talking about having a call into 'Mourinho'.

He could also ask do I get 15% of Cheryl?

I have gone too far again haven't I?