Bad PR

Here is an extract from the opening of a sitcom pilot I'm writing called 'Bad PR'. It's about a grumpy, cynical 'life coach' or 'life guru' who struggles to cope with his 'clients' and the general idiots around him. He lives with a lodger called Freya who is a bit of spaced-out hippie...

Thoughts welcome.

NARRATOR
(Posh; deadpan)
In his East London apartment Jack
Lowe, life coach, is pondering the
quality of his latest television
advertisement.

JACK
That was absolute bollocks! I paid
them big money for
that and they couldn't even
edit the piece out where she said
'patterned' instead of patented...

NARRATOR
Jack Lowe, lifecoach,'s lodger
Freya felt that the advertisement
was satisfactory.

FREYA
I thought it was good.

JACK
You thought it was good? Well
thanks for the feedback, Freya.
Have you ever considered being a
critic? With such an eloquent
repertoire and glossy range of
descriptive terms I'm sure you'd be
in hot demand.

FREYA
(Straight over head)
Oh no don't be silly...I'm sure
they have far better
people...besides what would I even
critique? What do I know a lot
about?

JACK
Well, far be it from me to bloat
your ego, but you are a dab hand at
not paying your rent.



FREYA
Hey, man, not fair! I'm new in the
big city...and besides Clarence
gave me some good vibes the other
day. I think that means I'm gonna
strike it lucky soon!

JACK
Clarence? Who the hell is Clarence?

Freya points at a crystal skull that is sitting on the
coffee table.

JACK
Ah yes! Of course. The great
mythical Clarence. I'm sure just
before Richard Branson made his
fortune he had got some damn good
vibes off of a transparent
imitation skull.

FREYA
Clarence also advised me that you
shouldn't get so het up about
things or else you'll end up with
high blood pressure! He's giving
bad vibes!

JACK
Well I best calm down then, I'd
hate for Clarence to be right about
something. It's a shame that he
wastes his time predicting such
trivial matters as your fortunes
and my blood pressure! Perhaps next
time you consult him you could ask
him for some news on when the
recession will end? Or maybe ask him
when the hell it is that the Russians
will actually flip and invade us all?

FREYA
Well on the news the other day I
saw that the Russians already have
spies in...apparently they sound
just like us...

JACK
That was Homeland, Freya...

FREYA
What if I'm a Russian? And I hit my
head or got amnesia or something
and I don't realise I'm a
spy...what if they're watching me
right now? Or what if they're
wondering why I haven't updated
them in a while?

JACK
I'm sure the Russians are fine.

FREYA
I'm gonna feel bad. I feel bad
enough when I forget to write
someone back, let alone when I
forget to send a report back to a
country I could be secretly working
for.

There's a knock on the door. Jack heads over to answer it he
opens the door to an elderly, crooked-backed lady.

JACK
Can I help you?

ELDERLY LADY
Oh I don't mean to trouble you,
dearie...

JACK
Well if you didn't mean to trouble
me then why did you knock on my
door?

ELDERLY LADY
Is Freya in? I have an appointment
with her for two PM...

JACK
(confused)
Freya...appointment...

Freya suddenly jumps up and goes red with embarrassment.

FREYA
No, no, Freya isn't here, she's
gone out!

ELDERLY LADY
Aren't you Freya, dearie?

FREYA
No, no, if only I was as pretty as
her. She's actually doing a
modelling shoot at the minute...


JACK
So...err...what is this appointment
for exactly?

ELDERLY LADY
It's for an acupuncture session, my
man, my back hasn't been right in
years but they say this newfangled
acupuncture can really
help.

FREYA
We're really sorry but she's not
here, she must have been double
booked.

ELDERLY LADY
Oh that's a shame. Would you please
have her call me to arrange another
appointment? I had such high hopes
for this...

JACK
Right...

Jack closes the door and turns to Freya.

JACK
Did you want to explain all this or
will my high blood pressure finish
me off before I know why on earth
some old lady thought you were an
acupuncturist?

FREYA
Oh...I put an advert on gumtree
offering some sessions...

JACK
Right...now...there are two things
about that sentence that surprise
me. First of all I had no idea that
you did acupuncture and secondly
surely that woman is too old to be
on bloody gumtree?

FREYA
Well I did a bit on acupuncture at
uni...

JACK
I thought you did art therapy?



FREYA
It's all the same boat, man. It's
just like...well..you know...

JACK
No, I don't know.

FREYA
Both of them are all about relaxing
people.

JACK
Right...and so...why exactly didn't
you go through with it?

FREYA
Well I bought a set for it and it
arrived yesterday. But as soon as I
opened it I remembered something.

JACK
And what was that?

FREYA
I'm kind of...just a teeny bit...
scared of needles.

Jack looks at the skull.

JACK
And that, Clarence, is why you
don't smoke copious amounts of
marijuana - it fries your brain
cells! Although I think it maybe a
little late for you.

Write about something you know about would be my advice , and write funny that you find funny rather than mannered stuff others may. Look through every line in this and tick the cues for the audience to laugh... Laugh mark you not smile. Good on you for having a go but be tough on yourself.

hi thanks for this...do you have anything written that I could look at?

Quote: ashleybrownmedia @ 26th November 2013, 3:08 PM GMT

Here is an extract from the opening of a sitcom pilot I'm writing called 'Bad PR'. It's about a grumpy, cynical 'life coach' or 'life guru' who struggles to cope with his 'clients' and the general idiots around him.

View original

Take out "life coach or life guru", put in "man" and you have Blackadder.

I'm with Marc. Write what you know. This person doesn't feel particularly real to me - do you know him? Or at least someone like him, from whom you can take that grain of human truth and exaggerate it to sitcom perfection?

This is not bad as a first draft - but it's just that, a first draft.

oh also to add, if you have a look at sharks & snakes it's probably better

Quote: ashleybrownmedia @ 26th November 2013, 11:01 PM GMT

hi thanks for this...do you have anything written that I could look at?

View original

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hard-Evidence-Mark-Pearson/dp/0099515776/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1385507160&sr=1-1&keywords=mark+pearson

Marc's a proper writer, innit.

Quote: ashleybrownmedia @ 26th November 2013, 11:01 PM GMT

hi thanks for this...do you have anything written that I could look at?

View original

No point reading what I have written... G et hold of The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus.

Quote: Jennie @ 26th November 2013, 11:03 PM GMT

Take out "life coach or life guru", put in "man" and you have Blackadder.

I'm with Marc. Write what you know. This person doesn't feel particularly real to me - do you know him? Or at least someone like him, from whom you can take that grain of human truth and exaggerate it to sitcom perfection?

This is not bad as a first draft - but it's just that, a first draft.

View original

hi there, Jennie, thanks for taking a look.

I just really slapped this up as a bit of a first draft to get what people said, so as I say I wouldn't read too much into it. Yes I'm glad you said Blackadder because that's what I was going for although when I started writing it Jack Lowe was set to be a much younger man but I'm now nearing 20 pages in and he has gone into a much older character - which says a lot for the organic growth of the piece I suppose.

The differences between Jack and Edmund Blackadder are that in his heart of hearts he's a good guy. He's not scheming and he's definitely not selfish - unlike most sitcom characters. In fact he's one of those people whose only way of showing that everything is alright in their world is by moaning at everything in their world. I was thinking some of his lines as I wrote them and I came into thinking that he would deliver them like Frasier Crane. Who is, if you listen to him, a fairly unrealistic character with what I'd class as theatrical delivery.

But as I say for an example of a bit of stronger writing of mine you should try the sharks & snakes thread https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/29162/ it is very much write what you know as it is based on some things that I've been involved in.

As for a comedy book I have a copy of this by the late, great Ronald Wolfe.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Writing-Comedy-Ronald-Wolfe/dp/0709074131

Your book looks good Marc (P.S was gonna try and throw in a way to say that I have actually sold a script to a production companywithout sounding like I was trying to brag or make myself sound credible but I couldn't think of a way haha)

The dialogue flows fine, but I'd agree with the others that there wasn't anything particularly unique about this one. Also, Jack comes off as very bitter, which is fine, bitter can be funny, but if you're going to go for bitter and verbose then you've got to really take your time over the dialogue, because with a bitter and verbose character the audience expects strong wit - somewhat like Blackadder or Mark from Peep Show, if you see what I mean. You've got a character who can pull off verbose so use it.

I'm not sure what the narrator brings either. It begins playing like a mockumentary then falls into sitcom. I would lose the narrator personally.

I was sort of trying to get the narrator to work in the way Ron Howard's narration does on Arrested Development, if you've seen that?

As in AD isn't a mockumentary, but it uses this ironic, irreverent narrator who sort of states the obvious.

Quote: ashleybrownmedia @ 27th November 2013, 12:40 AM GMT

I was sort of trying to get the narrator to work in the way Ron Howard's narration does on Arrested Development, if you've seen that?

As in AD isn't a mockumentary, but it uses this ironic, irreverent narrator who sort of states the obvious.

View original

Ah right, yes I like AD. I don't know, to be honest, I think AD uses a narrator in a different way - there something more of a 'saga' about AD that suits the whole 'This is the story of...' opening. Without that 'saga' feel I'm not so keen on a narrator, but prove me wrong!