A CHURCH HALL VARIOUS ECCENTRICALLY DRESSED FIGURES ARE SAT IN A CIRCLE.
BOB MIDDLE AGED CARDIGAN WEARER
Now we all know why we're gathered here...
INTERRUPTING
AGATHA DRESSED LIKE MISS MARPLE
Yes, yes there's been a murder, a most fiendish crime.
BOB
No there hasn't....
SHERLOCK LEAPS TO HIS FEET
SHERLOCK HOLMES A MAN DRESSED LIKE SHERLOCK HOLMES WHOSE PROBABLY SCHIZOPHRENIC
A murder, that isnt a murder, sounds like the games a foot.
BOB
The whole point is there has been no murder....Modern Sherlock turn your bloody mobile.
MODERN SHERLOCK WHO HAS BEEN SITTING IN A BROODING SILENCE TURNS HIS MOBILE OFF AND GIVES BOB A V SALUTE.
BOB
Right good evening, tonight.....
COLUMBO STICKS HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR.
Just one more question....
BOB
The toilets are second on the right.
COLUMBO
Thank you, thank you, now about this murder...
MARPLE
...yes about the murder.
HERCULE POIROT WHO LOOKS ACTUALLY INDIAN
Murder most foul.
MARPLE
Shut up you f**king little assylum seeker.
MODERN SHERLOCK
You're like so racist, I bet you killed him with your racism you old bag.
BOB
Shut up. This is a meeting of murder mystery addicts anonymous and you people are all sick and make me sick. God murder is some drunk arsehole hitting his wife with a brick, or some poor sod getting a fatal kicking outside the pub. It's not funny, or clean, or witty, or, or aaagh.
BOB KEELS OVER FROM A HEART ATTACK
SHERLOCK
By Jove he's dead.
MARPLE
That little terrorist turd did it.
COLUMBO STICKS HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR
Just one more question...ouch
MODERN SHERLOCK THROWS HIS MOBI AT COLUMBO HITTING HIM IN THE HEAD
MODERN SHERLOCK
Sitch that stinky.
JONATHON CREEK DISAPEARS INTO HIS STUPID COAT AS CHAOS ENSUES