Sitcom--Club Scene

Hi, I've been stalking these threads for a while but this is my first post.

This is the first scene (pre-credit/teaser) from a sitcom I've been working on. It introduces one of the main characters, but I'm not sure if it works. I'd really appreciate the feedback. Cheers.

EXT. NIGHTCLUB/STREET - NIGHT

ED (slick, late 20's) leaves the club with his girlfriend. She's dressed as a SLUTTY ANGEL (stockings, wings, etc). She's comatose drunk, can't talk, can't walk (without his help). TAXI DRIVERS hang around, chatting, smoking. The couple approach.

ED
(to drivers) She's been knocking back Aftershocks all night. I told her but she never listens.(re: DRIVER) Are you free, mate?

DRIVER
It's twenty quid on top if she's sick.

Ed bundles her into the cab.

ED
Mind your head, Snuggle Pup.

SCREAMING GIRL (OS)
STOP! STOP 'IM!

A girl, dressed as a SEXY DEVIL, runs over and starts to wrestle the wasted girl from the cab.

SEXY DEVIL
What the hell are you doing with my friend? I left 'er for one
second!

The driver looks disgusted at Ed, he shrugs: "What?"

SEXY DEVIL (CONT'D)
Your name should be on a register, you weirdo!

As the girls head towards the BOUNCERS, we see angel has an "L" plate on her back.

ED
(to driver) Home, James. Some of us have got work in the morning.

It doesn't really establish much about the characters except that one of them is a little rapey. The 'rape' 'joke' is also rather tired and a bit hack. Most of the dialogue is fairly short which is a good step in the right direction, but one line seemed a little overlong:

ED
(to drivers) She's been knocking back Aftershocks all night. I told her but she never listens.(re: DRIVER) Are you free, mate?

Her acting would establish that she's been knocking back Aftershocks all night, so you could probably cut it to just "Are you free, mate?". Show, don't tell etc.

It's quite a good joke, well structured.

But it'll never work unless you're dealing with a complete awful c**t of a character who gets his comeuppance.

And this is too early in any sort of show.

Quote: Ben @ 15th November 2013, 9:11 PM GMT

It doesn't really establish much about the characters except that one of them is a little rapey. The 'rape' 'joke' is also rather tired and a bit hack. Most of the dialogue is fairly short which is a good step in the right direction, but one line seemed a little overlong:

ED
(to drivers) She's been knocking back Aftershocks all night. I told her but she never listens.(re: DRIVER) Are you free, mate?

Her acting would establish that she's been knocking back Aftershocks all night, so you could probably cut it to just "Are you free, mate?". Show, don't tell etc.

View original

But him saying 'I told her but she never listens' establishes that they're in a relationship(or at least that's he's trying to convince the cabby that they are). I suppose it's just a set up for that line.

I don't get it. Sorry.
Is that his girlfriend or not?

I misread it. I thought he was helpfully getting a drunk woman into a cab, and had ended up being painted as a potential rapist. This seems like a typically downtrodden sit com antihero.

But, now I look at it again, that's not what's happening.

No basically he grabbed a drug girl on her hen night and bundled her into a taxi, give some palava to the driver that she's his girlfriend, with the apparent aim of raping her.

Im not entirely sure that's it.

I think he might be engaged to her?! (hopeful face)

Quote: sootyj @ 16th November 2013, 4:56 PM GMT

No basically he grabbed a drug girl on her hen night and bundled her into a taxi, give some palava to the driver that she's his girlfriend, with the apparent aim of raping her.

View original

Yes, that's how I read it the 2nd time. And I like it a lot less, now.

Oh! No-one would seriously propose to have a rapist as one of their main characters in a sit-com would they?

Quote: DirtyRottenEgg @ 15th November 2013, 8:18 PM GMT

It introduces one of the main characters, but I'm not sure if it works. I'd really appreciate the feedback. Cheers.

View original

Not sure if the main Character is Ed or Slutty Angel but the attempted abduction is not a joke as presented here. More like a dramatic incident.

Maybe she is his girlfriend or maybe he knows her well and was trying to 'rescue' her. We do not have enough information to decide.

If he is the 'character' and he was attempting to abduct a stranger might I suggest it is ill judged as a sitcom plot element.

If you had a really horrid character I could see how it would work, like somerthjing out of theres something about mary

But it would need to be well o to the script and they'd need their comeuppance

I wouldn't use it myself

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It was a superfluous scene in the script which I wasn't sure about including. I appreciate it's not to everyone's taste. It is pretty dark and probably too much, too soon, into the script. Thanks for reading, though.

I think it's quite a good idea having unpleasant characters in a sitcom - there could be a Jimmy Saville type club manager, and a Rosemary West lookalike running the cloakroom.