Thank you Charley and Simon for your kind wishes. I would now like to take this opportunity for someone else to win my 'fiddy pointer' on the subject of 'Leevils cock'.
So with 1 cock and 50 big ones up for grabs, I now throw the competition open. Remember brevity is key and I would be honoured for Charley to judge Leevil's Cock competition as a small welcome back gift.
INT. LEEVIL'S LOCAL PUB, LEEVIL SWAGGERS IN.
MAN #1:
Hi Lee, how's it hanging?
LEEVIL:
Yo!
MAN #1:
Bet my cock's smaller than yours!
LEEVIL:
Bet it's not, look..
MAN#1:
Where?
LEEVIL:
Told you! Mine's so small you need an electron microscope to see it..
MAN#1 & MAN#2: (IN UNISON)
Oo, that IS small!
MAN#2:
Bet you get a lot of chicks after you?
LEEVIL:
Well, it's more amoeba really..
I have a problem with masturbation. I have to wait ten seconds before I can have another one.
SUCK IT AND SEE
INT NIGHT. A GRITTY NORTHERN PUB.
LEE, A TRADITIONAL NORTHERN COMEDIAN, SWAGGERS UP TO THE BAR AND LEERS AT THE BUSTY BARMAID.
Lee:
‘Ere, do you like chicken?
Barmaid:
Yeah.
Lee:
Well suck this - it’s fowl!
HE PRODUCES A REAL CHICKEN FROM UNDER THE BAR.
SLOW ZOOM INTO THE BARMAID SUCKING THE CHICKEN’S BEAK.
TWO OTHER NORTHERN COMEDIANS APPEAR AND APPROACH THE BAR.
Comedian 2 and 3:
Oi, you told that wrong – yer supposed to pretend yer getting’ yer cock out.
Lee:
I did. And she’s sucking it. Who sucks yours?
COMEDIAN 2 AND 3 LOOK VERY SHEEPISHLY AT EACH OTHER THEN LOOK AWAY THEN WHISTLE NERVOUSLY.
CUT
EXT. HIGH STREET - AFTERNOON
LEEVIL WALKS ALONG, LOOKING AS COOL AS EVER. HE THEN SPOTS A FIGURE IN THE DISTANCE.
LEEVIL
Could it be?
HE WALKS FASTER, THE FIGURE GROWS CLEARER AS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM SHORTENS.
LEEVIL
I can't believe it.
LEEVIL REALLY PICKS UP SPEED AND IS THEN BLOCKED BY A HUGE CROWD. HE STRUGGLES THROUGH THE HUDDLED MASS.
LEEVIL
(Shouting)
Cock!
CONTINUES TO STRUGGLE THROUGH THE CROWD.
THE FIGURE GRADUALLY DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON
LEEVIL
(Shouting)
Cock!
LEEVIL BREAKS OUT OF THE HEAVING MASS OF PEOPLE AND RUNS AT FULL SPEED, SLOWING DOWN AS HE PASSES 'SUBWAYS' AND THE SPEEDING AGAIN.
LEEVIL
(Shouting)
Cock!
LEEVIL FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH THE FIGURE, WHICH IS CLEARLY A COCKEREL NOW, BUT THE COCK CONTINUES TO WALK FORWARD .
LEEVIL
(Shouting)
Cock!
THE COCKEREL STOPS AND LOOKS AROUND.
LEEVIL FINALLY CATCHES UP TO THE COCKEREL, WHO THEN TURNS AROUND.
LEEVIL
Coc... oh sorry, I thought you was someone else.
LEEVIL TURNS AROUND AND WALKS BACK. HE STROLLS ALONG AS COOL AS EVER. HIS EYES LOCK ONTO SOMETHING IN THE DISTANCE.
LEEVIL
(Shouting)
Beaver!
END
LEEVIL IS STANDING WITH HIS TROUSERS DOWN WHILE A MAN IS GIVING HIM A BLOW JOB. THE MAN'S PHONE RINGS AND HE ANSWERS. THERE IS A MALE VOICE ON THE PHONE, BUT THERE IS ALSO LOTS OF INTERFERENCE ON THE LINE.
MAN: Hello?
VOICE: (SSHHHHH)...shello did you remember to sew Leevil's sock?...(SSHHHHH)
MAN: Oh! I though you said 'blow Leevil's cock'!
VOICE: (SSHHHHH) I did.
MAN: Oh. Nevermind.
MAN HANGS UP AND CONTINUES TO SATISY LEEVIL.